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To be gutted

(70 Posts)
Joskar Fri 27-Oct-17 21:04:24

My sister is getting married next year and I'm not a bridesmaid. She just didn't ask me. Foolishly I only just realised about six weeks that I hadn't made the cut even though she got engaged in the spring. How thick am I?! I'm so upset and hurt. It's so silly. I'm a grown woman and I know it's her wedding and her day and her choice. I know I shouldn't be this upset. My little girls are going to be flower girls so I suppose she maybe thinks I'm "represented" as it were. She was my chief bridesmaid and I just didn't think I wouldn't be hers. Dh thinks I'm being ridiculous. She's currently visiting and I've been helping her choose a venue and so on but I just want to cry when I think about it. When I was a kid I really, really wanted to be a bridesmaid and I don't think I ever will be now. I feel like an idiot.

I know I am being extremely unreasonable but I'm so upset. How do I get over myself?

Hauntedlobster Fri 27-Oct-17 21:08:23

That’s really hurtful, I’d find that difficult too. Can you just be honest? Or speak to your mum? You might find there’s more to it.

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis Fri 27-Oct-17 21:12:39

It happened to me and it made me cry like a baby for a few days. I just assumed I would be and she picked my other sister and not me.

I felt pushed out of the whole thing, and just reinforced the feeling I am the black sheep of my family.

When I got married I did not have either of my sisters partly in response as I was still hurting over it.

In fact, writing about it gives me a knot in my throat. YANBU.

BlueSuffragette Fri 27-Oct-17 21:18:05

Why don't you just ask her, soften it a bit by suggesting you thought as a bridesmaid you would be there to support her as the bride and your young daughters as flower girls. Offer to buy your own dress if it is a cost issue.

Bubblebubblepop Fri 27-Oct-17 21:18:59

That's hurtful, completely understand how left out and humiliated you would feel x

MMcanny Fri 27-Oct-17 21:19:06

You'd at best be 'matron of honour' would you really want to be someone's "matron"? Get over it. So not a big deal.

peachgreen Fri 27-Oct-17 21:20:53

I understand why you’d find it hurtful, OP. Personally I’d speak to her (gently) to clear the air.

secretgirl Fri 27-Oct-17 21:36:04

Yes completely her choice as it were but immensely hurtful. I would feel so sad too. She's your sister, maybe broach it gently with her & ask of there's a reason. flowers

harlandgoddard Fri 27-Oct-17 21:41:39

This literally wouldn’t bother me in the slightest so maybe she feels the same way? She may have no idea you’re even upset.

Skarossinkplunger Fri 27-Oct-17 21:45:08

MMCanny why would she be ‘Matron of Honour”? I had two Bridesmaids, no-one was Chief Bridesmaid, no-one was ‘Matron if Honour’. Just bridesmaids.

Joskar Fri 27-Oct-17 21:50:15

Her bridesmaids are both married so I suppose they're "matrons" too. The chief one is pregnant even.

I can't think she's cast out with me. She seems fine. She hasn't been in touch much lately but phone calls etc dropped off a bit since I had kids anyway. We've always got on well. She adores my children and is lovely with them. We haven't had an argument in a long, long time.

I have said to my mother. She didn't know why either.

Maybe she thinks I don't want to be involved? I don't know. Dh thinks she'd just rather have her mates.

I have no idea how I would broach this without sounding wildly entitled and crazy. I mean, I can hardly beg a place on the team now she's chosen the squad!

I've just had a baby so it's probably hormones making me feel this shit.

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 27-Oct-17 21:52:04

Of course you're hurt! She was an important part of your wedding and you were sure you'd be the same for her. Ignore the mean posters, who cares how they'd feel.

It's lovely your DC are going to be involved. As she hadsnt mentioned it to you or given you a reason for it do you think she thinks YOU'D prefer to focus on helping them with that and not worrying about having jobs to do on top of it?

I don't know. Does she have DC and if so did she have them when you got married?

I'm so sorry you're sad and I totally get it.

Themummy76 Fri 27-Oct-17 22:03:20

Oh definitely she just assumed you didn’t want to be. You are older and married with children so not typical bridesmaid. I think you should talk to her and say you’ve always wanted to be a bridesmaid but you understand and respect her decision. Or get your mum to say something?

FenceSitter01 Fri 27-Oct-17 22:06:41

Bridesmaids are 'maids'- married women are not 'maids'. Did you want the title Matron of Honour ?

LondonGirl83 Fri 27-Oct-17 22:10:19

YANBU but there isn't anything you can do. Let her have her day and if it's still bothering you say something a few months after the wedding so it doesn't turn into unspoken resentment.

My SIL picked her two other sister in laws to be her bridesmaids but not me and even though my daughter was flower girl and I'm not as close to her as the other two are it still hurt my feelings as I felt excluded! I can't imagine how you must feel! She wasn't in my wedding either

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 Fri 27-Oct-17 22:13:46

I'm sorry. I really understand how hurtful this is as a similar thing happened to me. I wouldn't say anything to her as you don't want to fall out (everyone will say "she's the bride, she can do what she wants") and you don't want her to feel obliged to pity-ask you now. It is a horrible horrible feeling though sad.

Longdistance Fri 27-Oct-17 22:18:54

Oh that’s quite sad, and I’m sad for you.

I’ve never been bridesmaid, or such, I wouldn’t mind, but my bf of 35 years is in no hurry to get married, so I’ll have to make do without. My db isn’t even getting married so I don’t think it’ll ever happen sad

At least your dds are part of the ceremony. Now your dm knows how you feel, she might mention something in passing.

KarmaStar Fri 27-Oct-17 22:21:50

Perhaps she honestly thought you would like your little one to be involved and it didn't occur to her that you also would like to be.when we got married two years ago I automatically asked my nieces to be bridesmaids,I knew they wanted to be one and my sisters wanted them to be one and it never crossed my mind that my sisters would want to be one as well.I think a light hearted chat with your sister will sort this out.
Have a lovely day .

Apileofballyhoo Fri 27-Oct-17 22:25:20

Possibly her fiancé only wants a best man and groomsman and she doesn't want to have 3 if he has 2, that kind of thing. My Dsis only wanted me but had 2 friends too as her DH's family assumed his DB would be best man when he wanted to have his friend, then my Dsis didn't want to ask one friend and not the other so her DH asked another friend too. She might feel having your DC is representative of you, and also if you are getting your DC ready you may not have time to help her etc.

Sunstella Fri 27-Oct-17 22:25:36

FenceSitter op did say that her sister's bridesmaids are both married

RhodaBorrocks Fri 27-Oct-17 22:29:40

I get it OP. My sister has made it quite clear her friend has 'called' being maid of honour - Which apparently trimps our termage pact that we'd be each other's .

I'm not married, never have been, but was in a very LTR. She's not even engaged yet but is putting the pressure on her bf to propose by the end of the year "or else" (or else I don't know what, she's desperate to get married so she's not going to break up with him). Frankly she's been so insensitive and already bridezillaish (basically she's planned everything already with no input from her bf and expects that will be that) that as much as I love her I hope she doesn't get her way just yet. She's just not mature enough.

And she still expects to be my MOH! Nice to know I can use the response of PP "Oh you wouldn't want to be a MATRON!" [Headtilt] [Tinkly laugh]*

*Note: I wouldn't actually do this because I'm way too much of a doormat too nice.

Fanciedachange17 Fri 27-Oct-17 22:30:52

My sister was bridesmaid at my brothers wedding along with some of the Brides friends and her SIL (who was also an EX of my brothers). I remember feeling hurt and excluded. My DSIS is definitely the favourite one.

Lovedlost Fri 27-Oct-17 22:34:25

My DSis ditched me as a BM because I was pregnant. I was 7 mths at her wedding, and it may have been a PITA, but I accepted her decision.
HOWEVER my BF wanted me as a BM. Her wedding was 7 days after my due date, and she organised my outfit to specifically work around heavy pregnancy/post pregnancy.
Her wedding was 6 days after a hideous birth. It was amazing that she included me.
It sucks, but it’s more relaxing to be a guest. She probably has no idea that you are hurt about this. Tell her?

12345onceicaughtafish Fri 27-Oct-17 22:36:35

I'm so sorry that this has happened and I completely understand why you're upset.
Is there anyway you've led your sister to think you don't want to be involved??
I think you probably need to be honest with her xxx

isitme88 Fri 27-Oct-17 22:37:38

That’s so sad. My sister and I aren’t close, long back story. We have had major issues. But I did make her my maid of honour (she was awful and a nightmare, again that’s another story) but I wouldn’t ever consider not having her. Maybe that was to my detriment. I’m surprised op and can understand how you feel. It’s a horrid feeling. Can you ask her?

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