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AIBU?

To think this money isn't family money, it's money for the dcs.

71 replies

Pitchounette · 16/10/2017 16:30

My parents have very kindly agree to pay for some tutoring for the dcs (Y10 and 11).
I gave them to the cost of one hour tutoring, the basically multiply that by two (for the two dcs) and then by 4 (4 weeks a month). They also decided to do an automatic transfer (because it's easier for them).

The thing is, most months, the dcs dont get some lessons every week. You have the holidays etc... so it often costs us less than what they give us.

DH seems to think that whatever is left is fair game and can be used to do something. So this summer, he decided that he could use that money to buy xxx. that we wouodntbhave been able to afford otherwise!
I really don't see it like this. This money is for the dcs so I am happy to either spend it on the dcs or to out it aside (eg when we want to by something a bit more expensive at Christmas or for their b'day). But not for Day to day stuff.

IBU to not want to see that money disappear into normal spending and sort ring fence it for the dcs? DH disagrees....

OP posts:

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flutterby12 · 16/10/2017 16:32

He is being unreasonable. The money is for your children not 'fair game'.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2017 16:33

What was xxxxxx?

Alittlepotofrosie · 16/10/2017 16:34

Put it in a different account by direct debit. Then he can't touch it.

MuseumOfCurry · 16/10/2017 16:34

I think it's best to consider what your parents would intend the money to be spent on. Obviously, it's for your children. Ringfence it.

I've just created new accounts for both of my children so they can have their own debit cards (easier for me to manage pocket money this way). It was surprisingly easy, and free (Lloyds).

19lottie82 · 16/10/2017 16:35

I wouldn't spend it on anything apart from tutoring tbh, especially not Christmas presents! If it hasn't been used for tutoring sessions you need to offer it back to your DPs, if they say to keep it, great.

Stormwhale · 16/10/2017 16:35

Actually I would be offering it back to your parents. Why are you keeping it when it's not being used for a tutor?

CamperVamp · 16/10/2017 16:35

Your parents are giving the money for their education, so I would ringfence the money for that, in whatever way. Even save it towards Uni.

I would not claim money that had come from DH's side of the family, and he would respect my pov about money that came from my parents. He is being grabby and entitled , IMO.

bootygirl · 16/10/2017 16:35

He is bu. I would put it aside for if they want to do other lessons.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 16/10/2017 16:36

Your DH IBU. I would be saving up the money not spent to give to them at the end of the school year

neddle · 16/10/2017 16:36

Ask your parents what they'd prefer you to do with it. Would they like it back or have a preference on what to do with it.

KanielOutis · 16/10/2017 16:38

How do you pay for your tutoring? My DD has tutoring, and they include and bill a term in advance. I wouldn’t take more money from your parents than it costs, then argue about how the extra is spent - I’d just take the correct amount in the first place as per the bill

AlaskanSnow · 16/10/2017 16:38

Surely it isn't yours at all!

If there is a surplus left over from what the lessons actually cost, that money should go back to your parents. If they THEN say keep it, they may suggest what to keep it for.

Pitchounette · 16/10/2017 16:39

lottie Ive already asked my parents. They are very happy for me to keep it! And I know they can afford it too (otherwise, I wouldn't have accepted iyswim).

What really annoyed me was the ASSUMPTION it was fair game. That and the fact he just planned to use it wo telling me about it.
On the other side, I was planning to use some of it to buy some nicer football boots for the dcs as well some other sport equipments they needed...

OP posts:

Glumglowworm · 16/10/2017 16:40

Anything not spent on tutoring should be offered back to your parents

If they refuse (as most would i imagine), then it should be still spent to benefit DC

Assburgers · 16/10/2017 16:40

Has he already bought the thing?

Katedotness1963 · 16/10/2017 16:44

The money isn't fair game, it's a gift from the grandparents to their grandchildren and should be used for the grandchildren. Your husband IBU.

Myheartbelongsto · 16/10/2017 16:46

You're both being unreasonable if you don't offer it back to your parents!

Pitchounette · 16/10/2017 16:47

Yes Ive mentioned to my parents that this would be more than the cost before. It was brushed away with a comment along the lines of 'oh fgs, that's OK. Well just transfer £xx'

No billing in advance here, we pay at the end of the months for whatever we have had.

But knowing my parents, I know they just trust me to use that money for the best and preferably on the dcs.

DH had bought what he was planning but looked most offended when I said that the money my parents sent wasn't for that. He has looked pissed off too when I'm transferring said money on a saving account (so there is no temptation to spend it!)

I was starting to feel IWU and it should go into the common pot.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 16/10/2017 16:53

You should offer the money back to your parents. If they say keep it then you have a right to discuss what to do with it. Keeping money that has been given for a specific purpose and using it for something else seems very dishonest to me.

grannytomine · 16/10/2017 16:54

Cross post. Then the money should be spent on something to benefit the children, it was never for your husband.

Motherofterriers · 16/10/2017 16:56

The money is for your DCs. I think it would be best to put it into a separate account, if you don't spend it all on tutoring then you can use it to pay for something else for them. It's a bit of an artificial split - I mean you might have use it to pay for something for the children that you would otherwise have paid for yourselves, which would leave more money for something else. But I think you should be able to tell your parents what you have spent it on if they ask. The fact that they probably won't ask doesn't make it money to spend on other things, I think.

FuzzyCustard · 16/10/2017 16:56

I know I'm just nosy, but I really want to know what your DH bought.

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bootygirl · 16/10/2017 16:58

Put it towards sports equipment for them or in a savings account that can be used in future for education.
He is being really unreasonable.

DesignedForLife · 16/10/2017 16:58

The money should benefit the children, kit for hobbies, education, trips out, or put aside for uni. Not on random toys for DH.

What did he buy?

DressedCrab · 16/10/2017 17:00

He's stolen from his children. Prick.

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