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To ask brother and sister-in-law to stay away from DDs party?

(65 Posts)
FancyBeans Mon 09-Oct-17 21:05:45

Okay, so my problem is thus: My sister-in-law (brother's wife) has been nothing but trouble since she joined the family. Cannot control her unruly children (not my brother's) and smokes around my children whenever she comes over, despite multiple polite requests not to (oldest DS has asthma and youngest DS is 2 months). It's DD twins' 4th birthday party next week and my mother has mentioned it to brother and his wife. I don't want them to attend as the children cannot behave and are always picking on my children whenever they come over. I haven't physically invited anyone from the family except mum, dad and DH's parents and I don't see why they think they have a right to come to the party. They can feel free to come and visit the twins if they wish to but not during the party.

FenceSitter01 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:17:07

Good Luck with that OP - what does your DH say?

Jammydodger81 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:18:37

Why would she need to ask DH's opinion on whether her brother comes to a party?

Swearwolf Mon 09-Oct-17 21:18:44

Why do they have to know about the party? Just don't tell them.

Valentine2 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:19:47

She smokes around your children? And you haven't shown her the door immediately? Why? It's beyond me.

Claire3b Mon 09-Oct-17 21:20:01

Oo tough one. At the end of the day it is your children's party and it is your decision to invite who you want. Have you spoken to her about her children picking on yours. Why don't you do a party for your child's friends and then have a smaller get together with family. That way the party won't get ruined and you could control the family get together a bit better. At the end of the day if she is coming to YOUR house to see YOUR kids she should respect your wishes. Sorry if that isn't much help.

52FestiveRoad Mon 09-Oct-17 21:20:08

Can you not just mention that the party is friends from nursery only? And explain to your Mum that maybe she should not be blabbing to your brother about your plans without your permission.

Mum2jenny Mon 09-Oct-17 21:21:49

Don't mention the party, simple. Just lie and say you're out for the day so they don't visit. Ok, it may bite you in the bum but if it does, tell the truth. Good luck flowers

Gemini69 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:23:23

your House.. your Rules flowers

FancyBeans Mon 09-Oct-17 21:24:59

Valentine, I have asked multiple times for brother to not bring her over but he always does, and every time I have asked her not to smoke in front of my children she ignores my orders anyway.

Have spoken to DH and he is perfectly fine with them staying away.

The biggest issue is that the SIL's kids will find out because her son is in the same nursery as DDs. My biggest worry is that by using the 'friends from nursery' excuse SIL can accuse me of leaving her offspring out deliberately.

Nanny0gg Mon 09-Oct-17 21:26:01

It's DD twins' 4th birthday party next week and my mother has mentioned it to brother and his wife. (for those who missed the OP)

Ask your mother why, and then tell your brother it's school friends only.

FancyBeans Mon 09-Oct-17 21:27:24

Mum2Jenny If the weather permits I might ask the mums of the little partygoers if they fancy taking the little ones to the local park for the party rather than my house, will potentially keep SIL's lot away as local park isn't within walking distance for her.

KatharinaRosalie Mon 09-Oct-17 21:27:34

Well, you are leaving them out deliberately, because their mother is dangerous - smoking next to a child with asthma? I'd leave them out and tell her why.

Theresamayscough Mon 09-Oct-17 21:28:33

Mention to your mum that’s it’s not s family party as such it’s a nursery/School one.

They are 4 so probably going forward it’s goung to me their choice who they invite to a party and not yours or your mums. If they dislike your brothers potentiel step kids then they won’t invite them.

I think if your brother seeks serious about this woman maybe you and sue and your partners could go out without the kids to get to know her better?

Get your mum to babysit grin

FancyBeans Mon 09-Oct-17 21:28:50

Nanny0gg Mother mentioned it as she apparently thought they already knew due to the whole nursery situation with SIL's kid and my DDs.

R2G Mon 09-Oct-17 21:29:52

YANBU. Just text your brother that mum mentioned a party, but it's just a few of his school friends and grandparents.

FancyBeans Mon 09-Oct-17 21:30:09

I'm not leaving the kids out to spite them, I'm leaving them out because their mother poses a health risk to my baby and my oldest.

Theresamayscough Mon 09-Oct-17 21:30:15

Are her kids and your kids friends at nursery? Do they like each other?

RandomMess Mon 09-Oct-17 21:30:36

Why don't you just invite the one boy in DTs class, tell them parents aren't staying? He will likely be perfectly well behaved on his own - get your Mum to bring him?

Bubblebubblepop Mon 09-Oct-17 21:31:30

Have you spoken to your brother or SIL to know whether they're thinking of coming? It's not clear whether they are or they just know it's happening

user1471449805 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:31:56

Sorry, we're just having the grandparents round for this.

And if she comes anyway, first sign of a fag and she's out the door. Same with any bad behaviour from their kids. There may well be a lot of fallout but hey, your DM invited them and it sounds like she has as much respect for your boundaries as DSIL, so ...

Theresamayscough Mon 09-Oct-17 21:32:22

and she only ignores you in your house because you let her.

tell her no fags in your house and garden and if she lights up take it off her/ask her to leave/pour water onto her hand.

Woman up love

existentialmoment Mon 09-Oct-17 21:32:34

Why not just woman up and tell them: you are not invited because you smoke around my children despite being told not to.

Vanillamanilla1 Mon 09-Oct-17 21:33:22

Just be honest ! Tell her

BlessYourCottonSocks Mon 09-Oct-17 21:37:08

You have to get tougher! You don't ask someone not to smoke in your home with your asthmatic child there. You state definitely 'Do NOT light a cigarette in my house' and if she does attempt to continue doing so you say 'Get out of my house now and don't come back. You are not welcome here because you are rude, obnoxious and put my child's life at risk'.

But honestly, I'd be having a word with my brother first and saying, 'I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. If you bring her here again I shall shut the door in both your faces and embarrass you. She has no fucking right to walk into my house and light a cigarette and if the pair of you are that thick you can't understand that then that's tough shit'.

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