More of a wwyd?(54 Posts)
On the face of it my in laws are lovely. They have good intentions, are kind, generous, try to be helpful. I’ve always got on well with them.
It’s been difficult since my dd (now a toddler) came along, I just don’t trust them with her.
I’ve tried to be relaxed and let them take her here and there as they have wanted to, but almost every time there has been something.
For example; taking her away for the night and admitting they left her sleeping in hotel room while they went for drinks in the bar. Me walking in and finding her in the kitchen alone with oven on, pans bubbling away on hobs, and dd playing in the knife and fork drawer, with in laws oblivious. Letting her play on the stairs and her falling partway down the stairs. Sitting her on a kitchen stool and her falling off.
These are only a few examples, there are so many others.
My husband has spoken with them numerous times and asked them not to do this or that. I think they see it that they’ve brought up 3 children and know what they are doing. They’ll agree not to do one thing then something else happens.
It’s got to the point I just feel I can’t trust them at all. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes, toddlers hurt themselves, but I trust my instincts and try not to put dd in dangerous situations.
Easy answer is to not have them babysit, but they constantly ask and are hurt when we say no. Plus dh doesn’t 100% back me up and creates situations where I’m put on the spot.
Don't have them babysit. Them being hurt when you say no is better than your child coming to harm. They can't be trusted so no babysitting.
Nope. Wouldn't happen. After them leaving her sleeping in a hotel room alone they'd have lost all their chances forever.
More a DH problem than an in-law problem. He ought to support you, particularly if he agrees that this is a genuine issue. It's then up to him to deal with his parents appropriately, with your support.
They sound well intentioned but honestly, if I couldn’t trust my in laws not to leave my children in hotel rooms and sod off to go drinking, I wouldn’t be letting them have her unsupervised.
A nightmare for peace-keeping of course, but your child’s safety trumps peace-keeping.
Fuck that, the hotel thing made me run cold. Wouldn't allow them to be alone with dc again.
The point surely is they spend time with her not abandon her and neglect her.
If dh has an issue with it I'd tell him tough.
My Ex-In Laws were like this, it was maddening. The final straw came for me when they let DS play on an unfinished balcony that was 10 foot high! When I finally complained they just laughed and said I was being over protective and an heart attack waiting to happen.
Then I reminded them of all the stories they told me about exDW and how many times she'd been in hospital for broken bones and that time she'd eaten all of the washing powder when she was a kid - that all happened because you never supervised her you stupid twits.
What you have to do is lay down the law and forget about being polite, it's your little one's safety at the end of the day.
I trust my in laws completely with the children's safety.If I didnt I would have to spell it out to them that I was really worried about leaving them because our parenting is so different in regards to safety.The hotel room as just one incident is totally unacceptable...let alone the stairs.Ypu need to speak to your DH and get him on board.This doesn't have to be a falling out...stay calm but say how you feel and what you expect or you will not be happy to leave them alone with your DD.For instance-someone supervising her at all times.
Dh will often claim not to have seen or heard things.
He has spoken to them but think his attitude is a bit that he turned out alive, so they can’t be that bad.
He agrees they won’t babysit but then puts me on the spot.
He also says as the hotel thing was a one off we don’t have to let her go overnight, but that it’s ok during the day for a few hours.
I don’t think any amount of talking to them is going to change their attitudes.
Fils attitude to the stairs was that we should have taught her how to climb the stairs safely, but she was should too young. Other things it’s always that they only left her for a second, or they had their eye on her.
Yep, the hotel thing is gross misconduct resulting in immediate dismissal. Your DH needs to deal with this. They can babysit again when she is older and less vulnerable if you decide it's ok.
For example; taking her away for the night and admitting they left her sleeping in hotel room while they went for drinks in the bar. Me walking in and finding her in the kitchen alone with oven on, pans bubbling away on hobs, and dd playing in the knife and fork drawer, with in laws oblivious
I am aghast. I really am, and I have been in the same position too - a totally cavalier attitude to dd safety. When one ties to point out the door safety has to be on, met with grumpy faces and " we managed to raise two dc.
Anyway their mistakes are too extreme sorry op you are the advocate for this small child who cannot protect themselves.
This is way too much ...and too far. No.
You need to draw a line in the sand, and stick to it. Fuck DH this is disgraceful. Your on your own here op, as many of us who have to deal with in laws are. You have to make excuses, dont care if their feelings get hurt...start to protect your dc.
I can guarantee any relationship counsellor would be aghast too and say they have no respect for you - or your DH they are trampling all over you. Good luck op its so very hard, but this really is too much.
Leaving her in a hotel room aside
which is truly fucking awful , leaving her in a kitchen with a hot oven and pans on the hob would be enough for me to put my foot down.
If your dh puts you on the spot you can still say no. Tell them they do some monumentally stupid things whilst she is in their care and you're not going to risk it until your child is much older.
I don’t think any amount of talking to them is going to change their attitudes
NO it wont and you have been more than so called fair - if you can call repeatedly putting a vulnerable child back with these people who have a cavalier attitude to safety.
Can you sit down with your in laws and have a proper conversation about this, where you are honest about your fears? Would they listen and change if you did?
If the answer is yes, I'd try that. But I'd get your DH to do it. It's his parent, his job.
If not, there is no way in heaven that I would be leaving my child in their sole care.
Sorry to drip feed I have had anxiety since the birth of dd and I have sort of felt as though I can’t say too much because I’ll be accused of being over anxious.
If you say no, they get hurt. If you say yes, your DD gets hurt. Just say no. They left her alone in a bloody hotel room for gpd's sake, who cares about their feelings?
If he puts you on the spot then be rude to them to their face. Say they can’t be trusted and are ignorent and incompetant: he’ll soon stop!
What Raving said.
Why doesn't he care that his child is being put at risk by their behaviour? Have you asked him?
Why would you spare their feelings if your child is in potential danger!
I don't mean to be flippant, but I'm not surprised you have anxiety. Just tell them no. Your DH isn't going to step up is he, so its down to you to protect your little girl.
This thread has confirmed my worries really.
On the hotel thing, the story goes, it was our wedding anniversary and initially they were going to have her overnight at our house. It ended up they needed to go and visit fils mother who lives by the sea as she was unwell (dds great gran), they would stay in a hotel nearby with dd to have more space and it would all be lovely.
Mil dropped into conversation the next day that when they’d got dd to sleep they’d nipped to the bar for a quick one as it was only at the end of their corridor, and they’d kept checking on her.
Dh had strong words about it and they did apologise and admit they probably shouldn’t have done it, but apparently did this all the time when theirs were little.
Anyway dhs opinion is so long as they don’t take her overnight it will be ok.
do you have a friend or someone who would agree a sounding board.to make sure you know this isn't your anxietys.this person could then come with you or talk to hub and I nlaws with you.i just want someone on your side. because what ive just read got my shivers up! this doesn't sound like your illness and that is a pitiful bullying kind of excuse to turn somenoes insecurtys or illness into how your wrong not them.
because if it is becoming in an isuse with you refusing I think its time to be really brave,strong and sit down and tell them exactly why.that you truly believe there parenting is fine for them and how dh was bought up but for you with your own kids there are your own rules and things you will either stand or not. that this is your baby therefore your parenting is what counts.and that you have been worried that things have happened.
because I get this would be a hard thing to say but equally so I think will be arugment that will be had over your just simply seeing to be refusing them again and again.
plus your dh needs to get on side.and either support you wholy or explain to you in fukl why he isn't.
do you honestly think you being over anxious and this is ur anxiety? because even someone who suffers know when its that side of the brain doing the worrying or not even if they cant stop it. because to me this isn't an over worrying.its scary the amount of times something has gone wrong or safety looks to be lax here.
I wouldn't let them near your kids. I don't trust my in laws either but more because they're sneaky rather than ignorant, although yours sound a bit of both. Your husband needs to support you more and being the one telling them firmly no.
do you see them at other times.could there be a way you see them or invite them round so your there at all times?
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