To have some fucking rules!!!!!

[MozzchopsThirty]

My dcs (7 & 12) have totally started to take the piss!
Leave their clothes on the floor, bed unmade, dishes on the table.
They're obsessed with the x box (ds2) and online gaming with friends (ds1)

So today I have pinned a laminated sheet to the fridge stating that they are allowed 1.5 hours and 2 hours per day screen time.
No screens half hour before bed.
Bed times 8 & 9.30pm
10.30pm on weekends with 3 hours screen time (weather dependant)

To get this they must:
Make their beds
Put dirty clothes in basket
Clear dishes from table
Clear school bags away

Ds2 is fine, but ds1 thinks I'm being totally unreasonable!
He can't see why he can't have 10 hours a bloody day at the weekend gaming with friends.

Tonight he went out alone for the first time to meet his friend, I asked him to be back by 8.30pm, he came back at 8.45
So he's lost screen time tomorrow and now he's refusing to do anything

Please help!

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

I think I would not let him have screen time until he does chores, and his friends would need to come over to yours for a week or so as he can't be trusted to come home on time.

I imagine you have explained to him that he and his brother could make your life so much easier if they would pick up after themselves now they are not little toddlers. You could also give him an out, if he doesn't like clearing the dishes, he can do the washing up or load the dishwasher. If he doesn't like making beds, he can fold laundry. If he doesn't like putting his bags away, he can put the weekly shop away. Let him make the choice.

[RebelRogue]

When did this start? What were the rules/consequences before?

[mineofuselessinformation]

Yes, in agreement with pp. Don't cave. If he wants the game time, he does the work.
It doesn't matter what the rules were before, you've drawn a line in the stand and they're old enough to understand.

[mineofuselessinformation]

'the sand' not stand!

[MozzchopsThirty]

He refused to stop gaming so I had to switch off the wifi
Then he threw the £50 controller on the floor so I've removed that

[Allthebestnamesareused]

Don't cave! He will get it eventually and then stick to the rules because actually he'll realise the alternative is worse.

[ChildishGambino]

Placemarking as DSis is having this exact issue

[mintbiscuit]

Ds1 is 13. He gets 2 hours of wifi on a school night 4 hrs of wifi on weekend. Wifi includes xbox and mobile. We control his devices via our virgin hub as we can filter by device. Wifi time gets reduced (or taken away completely) with bad behaviour, not pulling weight at school or not keeping room reasonably tidy. He also gets pocket money which is contingent on doing regular chores (empty dishwasher, clear table 2 times week etc.). Took a while to get him used to the regime but he pretty much gets on with it now.

[Crumbs1]

Persist and adhere to rules. Twelve is about the age they can go either way with behaviour. I'd be wanting to know where they went and what they were doing at 8.30pm - it reads like he wasn't at friends house.

[BewareOfDragons]

Stand firm. If they think they can do what they want when they want, the will continue to walk all over you. You want to win the war.

[LorLorr2]

Good for you, that sounds very reasonable as those are simple tasks to tick off. As PP have said it'll take some consistency and persistence. It's only the first day, not surprising there's been resistance! Remember praise too when there's a hint of more compliance I'm sure there will be soon.

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

he was only 15 mins late!

I'd say don't focus on punishments. They generally don't work.

Focus on what matters. What matters is getting the behaviour you want.

So, what do you need to do to get that?

Sure, as PPs have said, you can punish and 'stand firm'. But that whole system relies on your child adhering to the standards you've set. So, say you take away screen time. So your DC is banned from screen time for an evening. Then they do the same thing again, so you ban it for a weekend. Then a week. Then a month. Then six. Then a year.
In the meantime, same child has homework to complete which is digital. Does your child not do their homework because you've banned the screen? So, whatever you choose at this point, you've lost.

So I would say, stop punishing and start talking!

That laminated sheet on the fridge. Was it written by all the family, or just you?

That laminated sheet needs to be written by ALL of you, taking into account all of your needs and wants. If your DC are part of the process of writing the rules, they'll be more likely to stick to them, rather than you imposing this on them. But in order for this to happen, you'll need to listen and take on board what they want too.

Good luck.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

I'm with you! I got so fed up by this sort of thing that we introduced a points chart. They start the week with 50 points (=5 pounds) and points get deducted for messy rooms, bad behaviour etc. They can earn points by doing chores (dd1 sorts all the washing, makes the breakfast, sets the table, the other 2 take out bins, help with other stuff) and the winner gets 10 extra points. All converted into pocket money at the end of the week, so if t They want something (e.g. DS bleating for a game for his Xbox etc) they try to find ways to earn the points/ money for it. Dad in a way that it comes down to cold hard cash , but it does seem to motivate them somewhat!

[kiwiquest]

YANBU DD is only 2.5 but she puts her shoes away when she gets in, puts her clothes in the wash basket, helps tidy away toys and put shopping away.

[bridgetreilly]

Gaming is addictive. Which means that setting limits is very important, but also that enforcing them is going to be hard. Especially for ds1 if he thinks that 10 hours a day on screen is okay.

[PenguinBollard]

You can get an app that limits the amount of time they get on their devices and allows them to earn time with chores etc

[Cagliostro]

Good for you! Of course there will be complaints and rebellion but it's worth sticking to

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

I actually saw a good chart for something like this for the summer, I wonder if I can upload it, I'll try, I'll be printing them off and pinning them to dd's door

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Hope this works:

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Not sure about the building/ making something creative but the rest I think looks good

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Gotten dressed

Used proper spelling and grammar for 5 minutes ___

[AcrossthePond55]

Keep to your rules! Online gaming wasn't a 'thing' when mine were growing up there was just Nintendo, but they had NO Nintendo on school nights. Weekends were a bit more lax but certainly they didn't play all day, I kicked them out into the sunshine!

I think your rules are very reasonable!

[BandeauSally]

Stick to your guns OP! The message does sink in but they fight it at first.

When I first started allowing oldest Dc to have freedom I would give him a time to come back. I told him if he wasn't back by that time he was grounded for a week. This is harsh, I know but I needed him to get the message that I wasn't up for negotiating on rules if he couldnt be trusted to comply from the start. Well of course he was late back after the first couple of times, so he was grounded for a week. After that I allowed him out again and said that if he was late again it was a two week grounding. He was late again after a while. He probably thought he had been good for long enough for me to slack off on the rules. Nope. Grounded for two weeks. Now he is back on time every time and if he wants to extend his time he rings/texts me and asks or asks before he goes out. He knows the rules, he knows the consequences and his little brother knows that I will enforce consequences when it comes to his turn. It works. Keep at it.

[Bluntness100]

I never did this. I talked to my daughter and we agreed on what was fair. She then complied. Getting her buy in worked. She's a 19 year old straight a student at uni now and we never really had any issues. We were talking about it the other day and I don't think she has been punished once in her life. She did as was expected because we agreed on what was right by talking to her. Giving her that respect worked.

I'm no fan of rules and punishments, more agreement, compromise and talking. Treating her as I would wish to be treated. Setting arbitrary rules and giving punishments simply breeds resentment and conflict in my view.

Id advice talking to them, about what is reasonable and why and then agreeing on what will happen. You're more likely to have a successful calm home than one that is heavily conflicted.

[Bluntness100]

I'd also say rules should be explainable and defendable. Your eldest doesn't understand why he is allowed three hours screen time when his friends are allowed much more. What did you explain to him was your reason, why three hours, not two, or four? Is there a rationale behind your rules and if so have you explained to him why the three hour rule is in place?