Please help me plot revenge on my exH (lighthearted)

[Mapoftheworlddoorknob]

He's being a twunt - the usual, quibbling over maintenance, not seeing DCs when he should. I won't go into the details because I want this thread to cheer me up please.

So, what I would LIKE to do, yes, really LIKE to do, because he makes me cry, is to sew prawns into his curtains.

So, what would you do? How can I get my own back on him and have a laugh at the same time - legally.... I don't want to break the law.

I don't know if he has a dash cam in his car. How can I tell if he's got one when I smear rotten eggs on his windscreen ?

Are glitterbombs completely anonymous? If i send him one, will it be traced back to me?

Can we have some fun please?

[Potplant]

When mine sends me ranty long texts, I ignore for 3 hours then reply with some random bollocks.
Him 'you're terrible, rant rant'
Me, 2 hours later 'saw your friend John in Tesco last week. He said hello'

Just knowing that he's been simmering away for 2 hours waiting for me to bite Makes me howl with laughter.

[Mapoftheworlddoorknob]

That's made me smile! Yes, random answers are good.

[YoloSwaggins]

Cress seeds, carpet, water.

[abbsisspartacus]

When he lets the kids down say oh thank God you let them down again I booked them on a day trip today hoping you would say that

[YoloSwaggins]

On a darker note, I met a girl who got her ex deported from China

She then told me "I'm not that crazy, my mum sent her ex-husband a wreath!"

[Pumperthepumper]

I don't have any suggestions but Potplant is a genius 👍👍

[Pumperthepumper]

I don't have any suggestions but Potplant is a genius 👍👍

[abbsisspartacus]

Better yet thank him every time he lets them down because you love having time with them (this worked well with ex to the point where he "recovered" from his death bed just so I couldn't take the kids away for the weekend

[WaaWaaWaaa]

Potplant for Priminister!!! 😂😂😂

[Mapoftheworlddoorknob]

Yes!!! But won't he notice the damp patch?

[Krispiesquare]

Pahahahaha I get mine by being honest and having evidence

[YoloSwaggins]

Nah just say you spilled a glass of water.

Then wait a couple of days...

[Mapoftheworlddoorknob]

That was to Yolo...

[Potplant]

.
He's a total EA twat, would argue black was white and have my head spinning some times. it took me a loooooong time to learn not to engage. I really want to say 'fuck off you bastard' but I know He'd love that.

[Mapoftheworlddoorknob]

Sorry, x-post

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

I try to ignore. Don't open his messages, don't respond, turn phone onto silent. But inside I fantasise about pouring gloss paint all over his car, especially the windscreen and the bonnet grille.

[mumonashoestring]

Kipper up the chimney.

Unscrew the u bend from the kitchen sink and fill the pipes with spray insulation foam before refitting the u bend.

Sugar in his petrol tank.

Epoxy resin in locks. Or, if you have time, glue every plate, cup, glass, pan, knife, fork etc in his kitchen into place in cupboards and drawers. Then glue those shut.

Hamsters. As many as you can afford, released into the house.

Or grab some blu tack, drawing pins, and the hottest chilli sauce you can find. Press the drawing pins into the blu tack, stick the blu tack under the car door handle, then smear with the chilli sauce. As his fingers sink into the blu tack he'll encounter the pins. Then when he puts his fingers in his mouth, he'll be hit by the chilli.

[Mapoftheworlddoorknob]

Love those, especially the Kipper. But it's a gas fire, I'm afraid.

[mumonashoestring]

Down the back of a radiator works pretty well too - or slipped inside the panel on the side of the bath

[Mapoftheworlddoorknob]

Yes, a radiator!

[user1000000000000000001]

Im not the op but i so needed this thread for ideas tonight! bastards

[TreeTop7]

I'm an accountant and the number of people who grass their exes up to HMRC won't surprise you. Moral of the story: don't screw your ex re child maintenance if she knows about your undeclared capital gain or cash-in-hand sideline. Women are much grassier than men, too.

[StrongerThanIThought76]

Watching unashamedly. My ex has had me in tears tonight so am in a similar frame of mind to op.

I pushed peas into the drain tube of the fridge before I moved out, he was SO adament I wasn't going to take the damned fridge...

[Saracen]

Sometimes when he messes you around and there's nothing you can do about it, reply graciously offering to let him do the thing he's demanded. Like a cat, which maddeningly never ever does as it's told but only what it chooses to do. Example:

Him: I'm not having the kids this weekend. I'm too busy.
You: Thanks for your text suggesting a change to the plan for this weekend. I'll think about it and let you know what I decide.
(wait a few hours)
You: Yes, that would suit me quite well actually.

Will also make you look super reasonable if you ever go to court and show the kinds of discussions you have with him

[DJBaggySmalls]

I read a book about revenge once. I'm not saying do this because its probably criminal damage or something, but its hilarious. So just imagine doing it.

The book said to get a load of pins, and push them into the cable that delivers phone, TV and broadband into the house. Then cut off the bits that show and push them right in so the plastic closes behind them. It causes interference, the cable co will come out and be unable to *ahem pinpoint the problem.