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Please help me plot revenge on my exH (lighthearted)

(54 Posts)
Mapoftheworlddoorknob Tue 30-May-17 21:39:39

He's being a twunt - the usual, quibbling over maintenance, not seeing DCs when he should. I won't go into the details because I want this thread to cheer me up please.

So, what I would LIKE to do, yes, really LIKE to do, because he makes me cry, is to sew prawns into his curtains.

So, what would you do? How can I get my own back on him and have a laugh at the same time - legally.... I don't want to break the law.

I don't know if he has a dash cam in his car. How can I tell if he's got one when I smear rotten eggs on his windscreen ?

Are glitterbombs completely anonymous? If i send him one, will it be traced back to me?

Can we have some fun please?

Potplant Tue 30-May-17 21:47:05

When mine sends me ranty long texts, I ignore for 3 hours then reply with some random bollocks.
Him 'you're terrible, rant rant'
Me, 2 hours later 'saw your friend John in Tesco last week. He said hello'

Just knowing that he's been simmering away for 2 hours waiting for me to bite Makes me howl with laughter.

Mapoftheworlddoorknob Tue 30-May-17 21:50:44

That's made me smile! Yes, random answers are good.

YoloSwaggins Tue 30-May-17 21:50:58

Cress seeds, carpet, water.

abbsisspartacus Tue 30-May-17 21:52:19

When he lets the kids down say oh thank God you let them down again I booked them on a day trip today hoping you would say that

YoloSwaggins Tue 30-May-17 21:52:29

On a darker note, I met a girl who got her ex deported from China shock

She then told me "I'm not that crazy, my mum sent her ex-husband a wreath!"

Pumperthepumper Tue 30-May-17 21:54:08

I don't have any suggestions but Potplant is a genius πŸ‘πŸ‘

Pumperthepumper Tue 30-May-17 21:54:27

I don't have any suggestions but Potplant is a genius πŸ‘πŸ‘

abbsisspartacus Tue 30-May-17 21:55:29

Better yet thank him every time he lets them down because you love having time with them (this worked well with ex to the point where he "recovered" from his death bed just so I couldn't take the kids away for the weekend

WaaWaaWaaa Tue 30-May-17 21:55:56

Potplant for Priminister!!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Mapoftheworlddoorknob Tue 30-May-17 21:58:28

Yes!!! But won't he notice the damp patch?

Krispiesquare Tue 30-May-17 21:58:32

Pahahahaha I get mine by being honest and having evidence wink

YoloSwaggins Tue 30-May-17 21:59:38

Nah just say you spilled a glass of water.

Then wait a couple of days...

Mapoftheworlddoorknob Tue 30-May-17 21:59:47

That was to Yolo...grin

Potplant Tue 30-May-17 22:00:31

He's a total EA twat, would argue black was white and have my head spinning some times. it took me a loooooong time to learn not to engage. I really want to say 'fuck off you bastard' but I know He'd love that.

Mapoftheworlddoorknob Tue 30-May-17 22:02:44

Sorry, x-post grin

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Tue 30-May-17 22:03:52

I try to ignore. Don't open his messages, don't respond, turn phone onto silent. But inside I fantasise about pouring gloss paint all over his car, especially the windscreen and the bonnet grille.

mumonashoestring Tue 30-May-17 22:09:28

Kipper up the chimney.

Unscrew the u bend from the kitchen sink and fill the pipes with spray insulation foam before refitting the u bend.

Sugar in his petrol tank.

Epoxy resin in locks. Or, if you have time, glue every plate, cup, glass, pan, knife, fork etc in his kitchen into place in cupboards and drawers. Then glue those shut.

Hamsters. As many as you can afford, released into the house.

Or grab some blu tack, drawing pins, and the hottest chilli sauce you can find. Press the drawing pins into the blu tack, stick the blu tack under the car door handle, then smear with the chilli sauce. As his fingers sink into the blu tack he'll encounter the pins. Then when he puts his fingers in his mouth, he'll be hit by the chilli.

Mapoftheworlddoorknob Tue 30-May-17 22:13:25

Love those, especially the Kipper. But it's a gas fire, I'm afraid. sad

mumonashoestring Tue 30-May-17 22:15:09

Down the back of a radiator works pretty well too - or slipped inside the panel on the side of the bath grin

Mapoftheworlddoorknob Tue 30-May-17 22:18:15

Yes, a radiator!

user1000000000000000001 Tue 30-May-17 22:27:00

Im not the op but i so needed this thread for ideas tonight! bastards

TreeTop7 Tue 30-May-17 22:45:45

I'm an accountant and the number of people who grass their exes up to HMRC won't surprise you. Moral of the story: don't screw your ex re child maintenance if she knows about your undeclared capital gain or cash-in-hand sideline. Women are much grassier than men, too.

StrongerThanIThought76 Tue 30-May-17 22:50:14

Watching unashamedly. My ex has had me in tears tonight so am in a similar frame of mind to op.

I pushed peas into the drain tube of the fridge before I moved out, he was SO adament I wasn't going to take the damned fridge...

Saracen Tue 30-May-17 22:52:32

Sometimes when he messes you around and there's nothing you can do about it, reply graciously offering to let him do the thing he's demanded. Like a cat, which maddeningly never ever does as it's told but only what it chooses to do. Example:

Him: I'm not having the kids this weekend. I'm too busy.
You: Thanks for your text suggesting a change to the plan for this weekend. I'll think about it and let you know what I decide.
(wait a few hours)
You: Yes, that would suit me quite well actually.

Will also make you look super reasonable if you ever go to court and show the kinds of discussions you have with him

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