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AIBU?

Family money?

95 replies

reluctantlondoner · 22/05/2017 13:32

Just wondering about "family money" which gets talked about a lot on MN. When did this concept start in your relationship? DH and I are married but have no kids. We both have decent well paid jobs and earn a similar amount (I earn about 4/5 of what he does). We pay equal amounts into a joint account each month and the rest is our own money to do what we want with. Whichever of us happens to earn more at the time (DH at the moment, but it has been me in the past), pays for more treats e.g. meals out / holidays, but we never tally it up and take quite a relaxed approach to making sure things are "fair". Sometimes I will pay for a big treat item if I have just been paid, for example. This seems reasonable and fair to me. I would hate to live life in a very restricted way, having to conform to budgets etc., but I do appreciate that we are very fortunate to not have to do so currently. I like to plan and be prepared for how things might change when we have DC. Is that when "family money" becomes more important? I am likely to have a significant period of time off unpaid (or very low paid) and then will probably go back part time. I guess at some point we will have to stop contributing equally to the joint account. How did this work in your relationship and did you face any particular issues? I feel nervous about this because I have always been able to pay my way (50% or more) and when we have DC that is likely to change, which may create issues in our relationship. We live in a very expensive part of the country so mortgage is a massive outlay for us, and we have always paid this 50/50.

OP posts:
glitterglitters · 22/05/2017 13:39

This is pretty much what we still do, except since having dd I don't pay more than a nominal amount into our "joint" account.

I had previously given up work because it made financial sense for us but I got bored/wanted my own cash.

So I started my own business when dd was almost 1 and it's taken off. The agreement we have is he pays for the "bricks and mortar", utilities etc I sort groceries, child costs etc.

If I asked for money he'd give it to me but I don't want to. This why I started my own venture.

A lot of people get a bit Hmm at our arrangement. And I've been told it's controlling blah blah blah, but it's always worked for us. I'm not great with money and he is brilliant. Because of me letting him take the reins we have almost paid our mortgage off already (6 years into a 25 year mortgage) and he works a "manual" job rather than some 6 figure high flyer.

glitterglitters · 22/05/2017 13:40

Just remember if you're staying at home or doing more with the children this is just as important (if not more so!) than a £££ job. So even if financially it's not 50/50 it still is in terms of effort etc

TeenAndTween · 22/05/2017 13:46

DH and I always contributed proportionately from when we got married, but kept and managed our own savings.

When I stopped work when we had children I stopped paying into the joint account but we also then took a much more 'shared' approach to savings looking at them as a whole pot and sometimes moving things into different names if it was more tax efficient that way.

You must discuss this before having children, and you must make sure you both understand that caring for children is an equal contribution to earning money.

Softkitty2 · 22/05/2017 13:48

In my household we earn roughly the same amount. It's family money, it goes in 1 pot and all expenses, bills, treats, savings, personal stuff comes out of that account.

This has always been the case since we got married and before we had children.

It works for us.

I would hate to have awakward situations with money especially if children are involved..e.g "I paid for dc shoes last term, now it's your turn" makes me cringe. But that's just me.

We are between 25-35 if that matters at all.

Coldilox · 22/05/2017 14:08

We both contribute to a joint account which covers mortgage, bills and food. The rest is ours to do what we want with. It works out that we roughly get left with the same amount (not worked out to the penny as can be variable with unsocial hours, overtime payments etc). So I pay more into the joint as I earn more than DW, who works PT. we are very relaxed about how we spend our own money, pay for treats as and when we can afford them, if one of us is short the other pays for stuff that kind of thing. It's all "our" money without it going into a single pot, and it means we can spend our own money without being answerable to the other. Works well for us.

Tootootootoo · 22/05/2017 14:09

DP has always earned more but since he went P/T we bring home about the same. Pay equally into a joint account which covers mortgage and utilities and claim equal childcare vouchers. I tend to buy more 'top-up' groceries, hotels away and things for DC, but I like buying things. He tends to save but will normally fund 'big' purchases for house as sees these as worthwhile.
We both spend own money on our hobbies but either might pay for a meal out etc.

This seems to work for us although we are both quite laid back and not struggling, although not rich. It probably should be more 'official' - we are not married. I stopped paying into joint account for a few months when maternity stopped (and my own finances were tight towards the end) but back to 'normal' now.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/05/2017 14:10

We both have access to each other's accounts, all money is shared. Started when we moved in together, no particular discussion, it's just what happened.

usermcuserson · 22/05/2017 14:10

We got a joint account when we moved in together. To begin with we both kept individual accounts as well with a couple of hundred quid in each as spends. This lasted about 2 years then we found it too much faff and everything now comes in and out of one joint account. We mostly just spend what we need as we go unless we know our money is down and our budget is tight.

We are both aware of our budget and our income/expenditure. We run larger purchases (£30 plus) past each other except for Christmas/birthdays when we have a set budget we try and stick to but don't consult.

We have individual credit cards which we use for "secret" things e.g. buying gifts at Christmas but the bills get paid from the joint account.

reluctantlondoner · 22/05/2017 14:20

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it. Maybe I am worrying too much and we will just work it out when the time comes! DH has never given me any cause for concern where money is concerned.

OP posts:
FrenchMartiniTime · 22/05/2017 14:26

We work the same as you OP.

All bills paid down the middle then what's left is ours and we have seperate bank accounts.

We take turns paying for meals out, treats etc but are pretty laid back about it.

I don't like all our money in one pot and "family money" just wouldn't work for us but I know some people work that way, each to their own.

MN are notorious for thinking "family money" is the only way to live but in RL I only know one couple who do this and they are constantly arguing over money!

glitterglitters · 22/05/2017 14:33

@FrenchMartiniTime I'm with you on this.

If I work hard and want to go and buy something I don't want to feel like either I a) have to ask or b) feel guilty that i didn't have to ask.

We're still open and offer each other total transparency with our accounts but if Dh has worked hard and wants to buy himself a PlayStation game or a new pair of jeans who am I to say no? As long as the bills get paid!

Also with our joint account it's in his name but I do all the admin on it. So I'll go into his wallet and pay the water bill, sort out the home insurance etc so we've got total clarity on that.

Allthewaves · 22/05/2017 14:37

We were like u pre dc except we also had couple extra accounts we both pit money in for savings and holidays.

After kids we now both contribute a percentage so ww both have same spending money. When I wasn't working dh paid everything, kept spending money for himself and transferred the same to me for spending.

MaidOfStars · 22/05/2017 14:39

We do the same as you, OP (married, no kids).

Earn roughly the same.
Put approx. 30% monthly salary into a joint account for bills, plus building a little extra.
The rest is our own. I would no more run a purchase past him as I would my mother. If I want to spunk £500 on a dress, or he wants to spend £3k on a telly, there's no argument.

We do both have a rough idea of who has bought what in our house though. So, in the event of a split, he pretty much takes all the electrical stuff, for example. I might get some of the kitchen electricals Grin I'd say the only things we truly own jointly are a few big pieces of furniture - by this I mean there isn't one of us with an obvious claim on the sofa.

My Mum bought our bed though, so I get that Grin

thepatchworkcat · 22/05/2017 14:39

For the first 7 years together me and DH had completely separate accounts. We kept receipts for everything, tallied it all up every few weeks and whoever had spent less would pay the other back to balance it! Was really faffy! But I was keen to keep money separate after a previous boyfriend who spent all my money (mostly on booze!). I've generally earned more, but DH had some savings that meant we could buy a house.

After we had DC and I went part time I had to rethink. Took me a few months to get my head round it and decide what was fair. Didn't want to lose my independence and be a 'kept woman' but it seemed unfair for me to keep paying 50% of everything despite earning less than before because I was looking after our son. So it was only then that we got a joint account and everything is family money now.

MaidOfStars · 22/05/2017 14:41

I will add that until last year when we were considering a mortgage, I had no idea how much he had in savings etc, nor him I. It was quite an enlightening conversation.

StiginaGrump · 22/05/2017 14:46

I have been the wage earner and the dependent. I figure that if you see your future together life is long and variable. If finances are set up presuming the higher wage earner will be benevolent than that can be naive. It is more fair that as soon as the long term relationship is established or babies are on the way that finances are mixed, that spending on frivolity is equal and that access is the same.

Personally we have two accounts which are joint. Wages go in one and icing expenses come out. The other account has our fun money or short term savings. There is no his and hers just money and no ownership. We have similar habits and are both instinctively generous to the other so it works fine. couldnt have it any other way.

Get life insurance on you both while it's cheap

KatharinaRosalie · 22/05/2017 14:47

We did the same as you before children - split the bills more or less 50-50, took turns to pay.

Family money becomes important when you no longer have the total freedom or ability to go out and earn money. Like due to taking care of small children. We have had times when DH earned more, when I earned more or when he was home without income as a SAHD. If your respective incomes fluctuate like that, it takes quite a bit of juggling to make sure it's all fair.

It would have felt odd for me to transfer him 'housekeeping' when he was at home with DC. It was easier to have joint accounts, all income going there, all outgoings from there - no matter who earns how much at any given time.

nokidshere · 22/05/2017 14:53

We had two accounts since we bought a property together 34 yrs ago. All money goes into one account and all direct debits come out of that account. What's left goes into the spend account.

We didn't have children for 16 yrs but nothing changed really. All money is our money and the only time we "restrict" spending is towards the end of the month as we are getting low.

Neither of us have ever had to"ask" the other for money

mistermagpie · 22/05/2017 14:57

It started when we moved in together. He moved into my property, but from then we both paid 50/50 for everything, the profit I made from selling that property was 'ours' and we have always had a joint bank account.

We earn the same amount though so it's quite a simple set up.

upperlimit · 22/05/2017 15:00

A few weeks after we got married we pooled all our money into a joint account and that was that.

artycakemaker · 22/05/2017 15:03

Been with DH 15 years. He was married before and his ex had lot of financial problems- she was addicted to gambling, and they got into a huge amount of debt.

As soon as we got together seriously, I assumed that this would mean he would be very wary of having any joint account with me, but I was wrong. We both worked, but he at that time earned 10 x what i earned. We opened a joint account and closed all our others. We both have full access of course and it is a case of whoever happens to see the bill first will pay it. We both have discretionary personal spending on it too.... I by alot of stuff on amazon, and he buys cycling stuff. Last year I opened up a separate savings account which I use for holidays and days out. i remove a portion of money every pay day. DH does not have access to it, only because we have not gotten around to adding him onto the online banking bit of it. But he knows the balance and knows how much I take out of it and every now and again will ask if there is enough in the 'holiday account' for him to do this or that (last time was a weekend away with his mates).

It works for us completely.

KaosReigns · 22/05/2017 15:04

We are in the minority I think but we don't have his money and my money, everything goes in the joint account and has done long before we had DD. Income and employment may change, we have both had times out of work and varying incomes but all money (except birthday/gifts) is ours jointly.

Bills are paid and we are both responsible for spending within our means. Big purchases are discussed as a couple but for day to day spending (hobbies, coffee, treats) we both just spend what we need to. We are a team, we know our means and spend accordingly.

Although to be fair what we consider fair and equal isn't always 50/50, one week he may want an expensive item for his hobby and I will spend less of our spending money to make that happen, it all works out in the end.

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DarkFloodRises · 22/05/2017 15:07

The way you do it sounds fine with no DC. I agree with you that it's when you have DC that "family money" becomes more important.

If you take time off / go part time then it's important that you don't suffer for it financially. This can be arranged in different ways (fully sharing all money, or via contributions between accounts), but the important thing is that you both value and appreciate each other's different contributions to your partnership.

Statements like "I feel nervous about this because I have always been able to pay my way" show that you (and him?) will need to change your mind set. Looking after your DC is just as important as paid work but as a society we tend to undervalue it. Don't fall into this trap! You should only become a SAHM or part time worker if you're in a relationship in which both partners truly value your contribution.

ishallconquerthat · 22/05/2017 15:09

The point is that, for many couples, one of them (Partner1) will reduce hours or commit less to work because of DC, and after 5 or 10 years, this person will be earning significantly less than the other (Partner2).
In other words, P2 only earns a lot of money because P1 has supported them and dedicated time to the family. Without P1's unpaid work, P2 would not earn so much. That's why people talk about family money.
This is not your case now, OP, but it will probably be in some years time. In some families the transition is smooth, in some others it's more complicated.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 22/05/2017 15:11

We put all our money into a joint account, and spend from there. We started doing this a few months after we got married. For context DH makes many multiples of what I make. Mortgage is in both our names, and our credit cards are paid from the joint account.

However, this may not be for everyone. We have no complicated financial obligations in our past, had no debt when we got together, no other DC or exes, and we're lucky enough to be able to save a little bit each month. In other situations I think from each as they are able, and to each as they need is a good principle for household sharing.

I think it's sensible to think about this before having children. Kids are a joint project, but one person often ends up bearing the brunt of the financial impact of having children (time out from workforce, time spent on unpaid care etc). I wish this was something girls are taught in school: don't take an absence from paid work, don't take on unpaid caring duties at home, unless and until your financial security is sorted and your partner sees and values your contribution. So many women give up work, pay for DC with their savings/ML pay, and then seem to be "stuck" dependent on their DP for an allowance almost and growing more and more resentful.

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