Work colleagues

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

DP has suggested I post for some perspective as he can't see my problem. I have been in my job for six months and took over from someone who was really close to my colleagues. This person left a lot of mess behind which I have obviously had to speak about but have tried my best to be diplomatic about. I consider myself to have a good relationship with them too and when I started they said I fit in, was great at the job and they wanted me to stick around. The thing I'm confused about is that one of them added me on Facebook so a couple of months later when a new person joined and added all of us I added 3 of the others I work with most closely as I saw they were friends with her. They rejected my request. They openly talk about stuff they posted making no reference to my friend request. There was talk of going for lunch last week. No one openly invited me but they talked about it in front of me. On the day they said they weren't sure where they were going so I took it as it was a relaxed invite and went with them but as there were five of us they said to follow on in my car as the other 4 were going in my colleague's. It's quite difficult to explain in text but I got the feeling they weren't bothered if I came but I was tagging along. I ended up wishing I'd had the indifference to just say no I'm not bothered about going. One of the colleagues decided just before that she wasn't going but I hadn't said I was at this point so I'm not if she just didn't feel like it or it was because I was. We all have lots of banter in the office and they do take the piss out of me but they do it with each other too. They do get a bit funny if I'm a few minutes late due to school run as they're all in really early in the morning. But they are genuinely friendly with me too. Sometimes I go off on my own at lunch to read my book and I know they think people who sit in their car at lunch etc are weird and antisocial. I just don't know if I have a problem with big groups of people or if I should just take it as it comes and step away from these people a bit. For background in my last job a woman bullied me really badly and tried to leave me out of stuff although the others still included me. Also I do suffer with anxiety and so am more alert to this kind of stuff than others might be hence why I wanted to get some perspective. Thanks if you've made it this far!

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

Oh and one of them made a joke the day of the lunch about me stalking my work colleagues!

[SailAwaySailAwaySailAway]

I'd back right off in that situation. I don't know whether that's the right thing to do but that's what I'd do. I'd keep it light and professional in work. I'd accept invitations but I wouldn't go unless asked.

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

Is it me though. Have I done or said something to make myself unlikeable or am I just trying to hard?

[SiouxieQ]

Sounds like low level bitchiness, nobody is outright excluding you but neither are they making you feel included and welcome. The 'banter' along with the stalking comment sounds downright spiteful, I'd be careful about the coming in late though, have you an arrangement to come in after the school run? Consider breakfast club if it's making you frequently late.

[SailAwaySailAwaySailAway]

No idea sorry. I think it's one of yhose situations where you'd actually have to be there to know for sure.

[StillDrivingMeBonkers]

May I offer a little tip about Facebook?

Keep it for your personal life. Your colleagues are not your friends, nor your family. So unless you want to give your employer a window into the very fabric of your life, keep the two (work and home) decidedly separate. My employer does not need to know when I go out for a meal, see my holiday photos or see me whine about my personal trainer, which is effectively what you are doing of you allow colleagues access to FB.

The lunch thing is odd. They may be used to their own little group and you are an intruder on their closer relationship, or they could be genuinely issuing a general invitation. Perhaps you could ask outright if you can go too ie "oh, I've heard that's a nice place, can I come too?" - followed with "one of you come in my car, I'm not exactly sure where it is".

[ilovesooty]

I think you have to try not to take it so seriously. I know that's hard but the social validation of your colleagues really is secondary to your doing the job well and professionally.

[user1493022461]

I don't see the problem. You took over a job, you don't take over friendships, they aren't obligated to be your friends beacuse they were friends with the person who had your job last.
You say they are genuinely friendly to you, isn't that enough?

[BabyHamster]

It's difficult to tell from your posts whether there is an actual issue, but if you're getting bad vibes I'd do as a PP suggested and back off. You don't need to be friends with the people you work with as long as you can maintain positive working relations, which it sounds are like you are doing. Put the effort into your friendships outside of work instead and don't worry too much about socialising with this bunch.

[StillDrivingMeBonkers]

I have been in my job for six months and took over from someone who was really close to my colleagues. This person left a lot of mess behind which I have obviously had to speak about but have tried my best to be diplomatic about

So long as you are only talking to your line manager and making wider comments which may be viewed as a criticism of their friend.

Did the person leave of their own accord? Or were they pushed out for incompetency?

[SiouxieQ]

I think it's important to be yourself and not 'try' to be liked, people need to accept you for who you are and if they can't or won't you know they're not people to waste time making friends with, besides they're your work colleagues anyway so just focus on being punctual and fulfilling your role, be polite and professional and if friendships develop then that's a bonus. Just be careful not to get over invested in work relationships as it can and usually does come back to bite you on the arse.

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

With the coming in late I'm talking a few minutes here and there. My boss spoke to me about it in a nice way and I know one of them spoke to her as another new person is being consistently very late and I have improved. But this person is often in at 7-7.30 am and we don't start till 8.30! They do make some very cutting remarks over the office to each other and even my boss laughs along so it's definitely not meant in a spiteful way but I don't know it's just a bit strange! I am quite an open person so I think maybe I have just tried too hard. I just wanted to hear some people say screw them it doesn't matter I guess! Fwiw I didn't even want to go to the place we went for lunch in the end!

[Madwoman5]

Back off, drop all work colleagues from facebook including the one you are linked to. Work is work, home is home. Keep doing your job and develop a thicker skin. No one can make someone like them so stop trying. They don't get you so don't try and force the issue. If someone genuinely wants o get to know you, they will make up their own mind to rather than listening to the sheep that will all baa if one starts. Be yourself and let them come to you. Hide that hurt when exclusions happen. Your life outside work is more important than their daily soap drama behaviour.

[user1493022461]

Fwiw I didn't even want to go to the place we went for lunch in the end!

But the rest of the group did? Then your choice was to go or not.

[KindleBueno]

As hard as it is, there's a big difference in being friendly and being friends. If everyone is generally nice then you can't expect anything more even if some others do have friends in the office

[BabyHamster]

Also I agree about FB, some of my work colleagues are FB friends and it seems like madness to me, one of the managers is friends with her direct reports on FB. Seems like a big risk, what if performance issues emerge and she starts having to have really difficult work conversations with one of her 'friends'.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

Not everyone uses Facebook in the same way. I don't add colleagues unless I socialise with them outside the office. Ever. Colleagues dont need to know what I'm doing or where I'm going.

I strongly recommend that you take work people off Facebook, then you can't worry about any of that.

As for the office, being late is unprofessional and I'd be cross with someone who kept doing this, especially a new colleague. I am unimpressed with my colleagues who do the same.

Separate personal and professional. It really helps.

[KindleBueno]

Oh and with the time keeping - late is late. It's irritating when I bust my backside to get in on time and my colleague is constantly late in the mornings

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

Sorry just reading some more posts. This lot and the previous colleague all joined at the same time. I guess I may have inadvertently given off waves of annoyance at this last person as she has made my first months at this job really hard due to the stuff she left behind and I have probably had to defend myself quite a bit as it has made my performance on paper look a bit crap because I've had to take time to sort out this mess before making progress. I wasn't even going to add them on Facebook until someone that came in after me (in same office but different team) added me and them. I think it's that that's thrown me. Why be more friendly with her but I'm thinking because they don't work with her directly she has that bit of distance with them iyswim. I get a bit sick of hearing about this ex colleague (when x was here) (do you remember when you and x) that kind of thing.

[user1493022461]

They can be more friendly with her for any number of reasons. It's not about you.

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

I agree kinder actually because after I was spoken to I was busting my balls to be on time and a newer person who had never been on time in five months was still being late. I found myself not even wanting to speak to her I was so annoyed! I have half an hour between dropping dd off and when work starts so I really have to rush!

[MollyHopps]

OP this is why I keep work life as work life, and outside life as outside.

There re enough politics in the office at the best of times, so when you form personal relationships with work people it just complicates things further.

Sure, get along with colleagues, in the office. Go out with them, on work specific nights out (Christmas do). Have a laugh and a chat, at work. But don't let it form outside of that.

I have seen (and been myself) burnt by being pally pally at work, yet since I have kept work/life separate my job has been far less stressful.

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

User thanks for that. It's that kind of thing I need to hear.

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

*Fwiw I didn't even want to go to the place we went for lunch in the end!
All I meant by this was I don't know why I was so bothered and wished I'd had the courage to say I didn't want to go.

[ShotsFired]

I worked in a place where I took over from the Queen Bee of the little gang. She had got a promotion but you'd think the woman had died by the way they were mourning her and seemed to really hate me for "taking her place".

She would periodically drop in to the office for a visit [aka ego boost] and they would all fawn round her, ask me to give her back "her" chair for the duration etc. Very very odd.

I tried to improve relations by extending a party invite to all of them; but that was repaid by them deciding to trash my bathroom by squirting every bottle of shampoo, conditioner, serum, shaving foam etc up the walls and on all the sanitaryware. These were grown women in their 30s....

My point is that you won't win if they have decided you are not one of them