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To meet my Abusive ex for coffee

(60 Posts)
Pickleypickles Sun 07-May-17 16:39:22

I'll try and keep it as short as I can without drip feeding...

Met my ex 3 and a half years ago. I was 22 he was 34. Real jack the lad, smoked weed, dealt weed ( on a large scale) liked his beer and his women. I was in a shitty place, just came out of a long suffocating relationship, was failing uni, had my own problems with weed and was living with parents.

He was awful all the way through our relationship, he cheated on me with his ex, blatantly (like underwear on the radiator blatant) but when I got upset or angry over it he would tell me I was being an immature little girl and to get over myself. He constantly called me thick and told me a wouldn't amount to anything, he came from a nice family, lots of money and privately educated and would make sure I didn't forget my family were working class. He wouldn't take me to see his family as I was "too common and would embarrass him". Unfortunately I was head over heels for him and believed everything he said and accepted it.

2 years in things come to a head, he has a bug court case, I have no sympathy and the arguments were getting worse until one day he pinned me against a wall by my neck leaving bruises. That was the final straw I left there and then and apart from the odd text didn't see him again.

Until last June when on a drunken night out I saw him and one thing led to another and now I have a beautiful DD 9 wks old.

My parents weren't happy and gave me a choice his help or there's. I chose there's.

I have now sorted my life out, quite smoking, have a house and a full time job and I'm happier than I have been in years.

We have always swapped the odd text (a couple a month) and despite him saying hed changed I didn't belive him. I know he has lost all his friends (wasn't just me he belittled apparently) and I think he is lonely, his dad died about 12 months before I met him which he took really hard and his mother is a huge alcoholic, no other family in the region.

He text me again yesterday saying he had changed and misses me so WIBU to meet him for a coffee (without dd) and see for myself. I don't want an arsehole in my daughters life but if he has changed am I withholding something from her? I don't think my mum will forgive me if I tell him about the baby, she thinks it will be a Pandoras box and I will just end up depressed again woth him in my life and regretting it and tbh I agree and I don't think he can change personally he's been set in his ways too long, but, I don't want my dd to resent me never giving him a chance.

If you made it to the bottom of this thank you!

Tannyfastic Sun 07-May-17 16:40:23


You must be nuts to even consider this.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Sun 07-May-17 16:41:52

No. Don't go.

I think it would be really bad to see him.

He sounds like he has no good points at all.

Leave the past behind you.

(Been in a similar situation.)

Crispbutty Sun 07-May-17 16:41:58

Yabu to withhold the fact that he is a father from him.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 07-May-17 16:43:24

Your mum is right. Don't meet him.

Look forward, not back. For yourself and for your daughter.

You would be doing her a disservice to meet him.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 07-May-17 16:45:33

No YANBU to withhold the fact that this physically and emotionally abusive man is a parent.

If you let him into your lives it might not be you he has by the throat the next time, it could be your daughter.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 07-May-17 16:45:55

Please please please do not meet this 'man'. You'll end up back in the same awful situation you've just came out of. Please do not put yourself or your new baby through that. He won't have changed. He'll reel you in with charm and a false sense of security, and before you know it. You'll be trapped. Your little one will be sitting on the stairs sobbing. While he physically mentally and emotionally beats the crap out of you.

Mummamayhem Sun 07-May-17 16:46:09

Don't do it!! You have to put your child first now.

Jimcanna Sun 07-May-17 16:47:53


PoliticalBiscuit Sun 07-May-17 16:48:06


If nothing else he was a mature man in his 30s so not able to have grown up and it's only been a very short time since for this drastic transformation to take place.

Anyone who had been that awful - if they truly realised it - would apologise and let you live your life in peace.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 07-May-17 16:48:47

If its cause you're thinking life is hard as a single mum.
I can guarantee being married to an evil cunt is will be 1000 times harder.

Moanyoldcow Sun 07-May-17 16:50:17

I rarely post things quite so bluntly because it's easy to become very harsh in an anonymous environment but you would be an idiot to meet him and even more so to tell him about your daughter.

Do her and yourself a favour and stay well away. Abusive men like that do not change - this will be a way 'in' for him to ruin your life forever.

FubbyChucker Sun 07-May-17 16:50:40

No - I've been there too. The only thing positive was my realising he would never change , 'contact' for the last 10 years or so has been via the CSA/CMS

LostMyDotBrain Sun 07-May-17 16:51:38

Your parents did you a massive favour making it a him-or-them situation. Take heed of that and don't consider letting a violent abuser into your DD's life.

Starlight2345 Sun 07-May-17 16:51:58

Block his number..

This man you know is so dangerous away from him near him you seem to get sucked right in.

Moanyoldcow Sun 07-May-17 16:55:46

I disagree strongly with Crispbutty - he's proved himself to be untrustworthy, cruel, violent and immature. No father is better than one like that and he gave up his right to your consideration when he tried to kill you (because that IS what he did).

AlternativeTentacle Sun 07-May-17 16:56:02

Because it went so well last time?

FizzyGreenWater Sun 07-May-17 16:56:39

Jesus don't be such an idiot!!!!


Do your daughter a favour and do NOT bring an abusive, manipulative, violent man into her life.

He's looking to wheedle his way back in... you tell him about your daughter, and that's it. You're tied to him. And so is she.

Imagine yourself five years down the line having to hand her over to him for the weekend knowing he might smack her, drive drunk with her, leave her alone while he goes out - and not being able to do a thing about it. Imagine constantly picking up the pieces when he lets her down for contact, or introduces her to yet another two-week 'step-mummy', or insists on letting her eat/watch/do stuff you don't think is appropriate.

For fuck's sake do not do this.

Gingernaut Sun 07-May-17 17:00:00


I'm with PP.

notgivingin789 Sun 07-May-17 17:00:33

Men like him are selfish. He doesn't "miss you", his lonely, like you said, his father has passed away, mother not fit to see him. He needs someone to offload his worries, to comfort him, to be there for him. Your the mother of his child, so he might as well right ?

Look forward, don't look back.

Beelzebop Sun 07-May-17 17:02:33

Please don't!

Valentine2 Sun 07-May-17 17:02:47

No. 1 million times.
Are you mad?

summerbreezer Sun 07-May-17 17:02:54

OP, a man like this in your daughter's life may well lead to SS involvement. They don't care which of you is the abusive one, they only care about whether you are able to protect your daughter.

Meeting him for coffee will be the first step. Block his number.

jarhead123 Sun 07-May-17 17:09:03

No! Keep you and your daughter away from him!!

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 07-May-17 17:09:25

I was actually thinking what Summer said, but. She was brave enough to say it.
SS do class it as abuse. If you stay with an abusive partner.

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