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Family wedding

(68 Posts)
Stuck4Name Fri 05-May-17 22:47:50

So a bit of background.

DP and I have been together for 8 years and have been through quite a lot of significant life events together although we do not live live together. We both have children from a previous relationship. His children sadly do not have a mother in their life and my child does not have a father in his. My son was only a baby when we got together and calls my DP Dad, his mother Grandma and his brother Uncle. The children generally refer to each other as siblings. I have always been quite involved with his children and used to take them to school and pick them up when needed, attend parents evenings and have even gone alone to their school assemblys and sports days when my DP hasn't been able to attend.

DP has a family member who is getting married soon and DP's children are set to be rather involved in the big day.

The issue is that my son & I have not been invited to the wedding (but have been invited to the evening do). This in itself is not an issue, I am fully aware they are entiltled to invite who they like etc. and generally I would be fine with that. The thing that has really pissed me off is that whilst I am not invited they have invited BIL and his DP of 2 years when the only time they ever have anything to do with anyone in the family is when they're broke and after money.

I work weekends and had I been invited would have booked the whole weekend off so that we could have attended (and left) as a family. Since we would have been attending together we would have split the cost of sharing a cab and with having no work the following day I could have had a drink. However I am now basically expected to work all day, go collect my son from childcare, rush home to get us both ready, drive to where ever the venue is, have to go find my DP (who by the time the evening do starts will probably already be half cut), not be able to have a drink because I have to both drive and get up for work and have to stay for more than 2 hours (do starts at 7.30) to not be seen as being rude and antisocial and then go home alone.

So the crux of the matter is, AIBU to not go as quite frankly it is too much like hassle when I'm neither being invited as part of the family nor am I a friend of the couple who's wedding it is? Does that make me a total bitch? My DP seems to think that I am.

Stuck4Name Fri 05-May-17 22:48:12

So a bit of background.

DP and I have been together for 8 years and have been through quite a lot of significant life events together although we do not live live together. We both have children from a previous relationship. His children sadly do not have a mother in their life and my child does not have a father in his. My son was only a baby when we got together and calls my DP Dad, his mother Grandma and his brother Uncle. The children generally refer to each other as siblings. I have always been quite involved with his children and used to take them to school and pick them up when needed, attend parents evenings and have even gone alone to their school assemblys and sports days when my DP hasn't been able to attend.

DP has a family member who is getting married soon and DP's children are set to be rather involved in the big day.

The issue is that my son & I have not been invited to the wedding (but have been invited to the evening do). This in itself is not an issue, I am fully aware they are entiltled to invite who they like etc. and generally I would be fine with that. The thing that has really pissed me off is that whilst I am not invited they have invited BIL and his DP of 2 years when the only time they ever have anything to do with anyone in the family is when they're broke and after money.

I work weekends and had I been invited would have booked the whole weekend off so that we could have attended (and left) as a family. Since we would have been attending together we would have split the cost of sharing a cab and with having no work the following day I could have had a drink. However I am now basically expected to work all day, go collect my son from childcare, rush home to get us both ready, drive to where ever the venue is, have to go find my DP (who by the time the evening do starts will probably already be half cut), not be able to have a drink because I have to both drive and get up for work and have to stay for more than 2 hours (do starts at 7.30) to not be seen as being rude and antisocial and then go home alone.

So the crux of the matter is, AIBU to not go as quite frankly it is too much like hassle when I'm neither being invited as part of the family nor am I a friend of the couple who's wedding it is? Does that make me a total bitch? My DP seems to think that I am.

HirplesWithHaggis Fri 05-May-17 22:53:26

Yanbu not to go, but "total bitch" is a bit strong even if you were bu.

Chloe84 Fri 05-May-17 22:53:31

YANBU. Is DH not upset that you haven't been invited to the ceremony/reception?

There's no way I would attend. You are absolutely right not to attend. Fuck them.

user1493022461 Fri 05-May-17 22:54:04

How many times are you going to post this?

Stuck4Name Fri 05-May-17 22:57:52

Sorry User, having difficulties with the site/my phone it said the origional thread had been denied then somehow posted the op twice when I tried to repost it. But I see the 'action denied' post actually posted. Apologies.

Stuck4Name Fri 05-May-17 23:00:59

Chloe, DP is also annoyed that I have not been invited when his brothers DP has, my family would never dream of doing something like that. That said he still thinks I'm being unreasonable to refuse to attend, or to stay as little as an hour or 2 if I do go.

Nospringflower Fri 05-May-17 23:04:14

I'd be pissed off and wouldnt go. Tough luck if partner doesnt like it. Although I would be annoyed I would present it as reasonable tho - sorry it will just be too much of a rush and i will have to be up early for work ... have a great day etc

Chloe84 Fri 05-May-17 23:05:37

Who is he afraid of offending, the same people who offended you?

Could you cite DS's bedtime as an excuse?

JennyWoodentop Fri 05-May-17 23:06:27

I wouldn't go - go to an evening do at the end of a long day at work, only to have to leave early as you are working the next day - no way.

They can't be offended if you don't go, as they didn't care enough about you being there to invite you to the whole event did they?

Geekmama Fri 05-May-17 23:14:16

OP I wouldn't go, they are being so rude. You're not being unreasonable at all, quite frankly I'm annoyed on your behalf that your DP is agreeing to go without you and doesn't understand why you wouldn't want to go.

User: OP was obviously having issues with her Internet device and maybe instead of making silly comments you can offer the OP some advice.

Stuck4Name Fri 05-May-17 23:31:08

Thanks Geekmana, I imagine he is going without me because his children are bridesmaides etc and he wants to be there to see them as well as because as much as he is annoyed about it the family member getting married is terminally ill and so I can completely understand that he doesn't want to put them under more strain than than they already are by causing a huge family argument over it. He did say he would enquire why I hadn't been invited if he got chance but then never has and to be honest I don't want to feel like I've only been invited because he's spat his dummy out. I think I get get annoyed also because as other posters have said on the duplicate of this 'we don't live together' and as such I am not a partner just a girlfriend but its funny how these same people considerd me family when they wanted something.

McTufty Fri 05-May-17 23:38:06

I wouldn't go. Generally of course people can invite who they like but a modicum of sensitivity when setting the guest list wouldn't go amiss. Based on what you've said I think it's shocking that you and your DS in particular haven't been invited,

GoodDayToYou Fri 05-May-17 23:41:11

If you're not friends with them after 8 years, I wouldn't worry about going if you don't want to.

Could be a fun night though??

I also think your dp is BU in agreeing to go without agreeing it all with you in advance. My dp wouldn't be happy going if I wasn't invited.

GoodDayToYou Fri 05-May-17 23:43:51

X post, sorry. The terminal illness makes sense of it. I can understand he doesn't want to upset them.

EweAreHere Fri 05-May-17 23:48:25

You are not being unreasonable. I wouldn't go either. And if someone treated my partner of 8 YEARS like this, then I wouldn't be going either.

Why does your DP think he should be going under these circumstances? They have been quite rude to not invite you.

Fruitcorner123 Fri 05-May-17 23:55:14

I agree with others don't go.

Astro55 Fri 05-May-17 23:57:53

There's two issues

One lack of invite (as you say their choice)

The other is DO not understanding your grievance-

This should've arisen when they asked about being bridesmaids etc - bit late now I think!

Astro55 Fri 05-May-17 23:59:22

If face why doesn't your dosent your DP see it as an issue? Does he not think it's odd? Does he not want you their? You want to ask him why he isn't upset in your behalf!

emmyrose2000 Fri 05-May-17 23:59:39

I wouldn't go. Stuff them.

If my partner of eight years hadn't been invited I wouldn't be going either. It doesn't really speak well of your partner that he didn't stand up for you in this matter.

Birdsgottaf1y Sat 06-May-17 00:06:34

You're obviously not thought of as you much as you thought that you were. If his Mum considered your DS a Grandchild, she would have asked what his role was.

The terminal illness should make them want as much family there as possible.

I would leave them to it, you aren't going to be missed, as harsh as that sounds.

It would make me re-think things, even if i didn't act upon them, on account of MIL about to lose a child.

I wouldn't put myself out at all.

Birdsgottaf1y Sat 06-May-17 00:08:33

Have you discussed what you are going to say when the other children talk about the day and you and your son wasn't even invited?

It marks out that they are not siblings and your DP needs to stop minimising this.

Stuck4Name Sat 06-May-17 00:13:49

Astro, the kids were asked to be involved and outfits were ordered / fitted and and hair rehersals all arranged prior to formal invites being sent out, up until recieving the invite my partner and his mother had both automatically assumed I was invited and no one had suggested otherwise. By that point its gone too far to pull out and wouldn't have been fair on the kids who are really excited. My partner is annoyed about it but as I put above the family member getting married is also terminally ill and as such it is understandable that DP doesn't want to put more strain on them by causing a huge family row over it, and I wouldn't expect him to in the circumstances.

Casmama Sat 06-May-17 00:19:52

Your reasons for not living together are your own business but if you are neither engaged nor living together after all this time then some people may see it as a fairly casual relationship regardless of what you call each other.
Your option for this wedding does sound shit but I can't understand why you don't both take the next day off and stay anyway?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 06-May-17 00:20:12

YANBU to not want to go, but I can see your DP's point as well (Not you being a bitch, that's just wrong!) - he probably thinks that you should suck it up purely because the family member is terminally ill and you should always accommodate people in that position, regardless of how inconvenient, because you might never see them again.

Is your work of the order that you can leave early to avoid the rush? And, is it a church wedding? I'm sounding a bit like a drip here, but if it's a church wedding, I think I'd book the day off anyway, take DS to the wedding in the church (they can't stop you, it's open access) and then go off and do something fun with him for the wedding reception time, and then go along in the evening. A lot would depend on the whereabouts of the actual wedding though (Not just church, but also how much there is to do nearby)

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