I need a reality check and or advice for how to address a long standing issue I'm having with a mum friend of mine. She and her DC live very close to us, and since our DC's were born (quite close in timing) we have seen a lot of each other. My issue is that periodically (it's happened 5 or 6 times in the last couple of years) when she and I make plans to meet up, either after the plans have been set or even as we're approaching our destination (cafe, whatever), she'll announce that another mum is coming along, or ask if it's ok with me if she invited someone else.
In general, these other mums are either mutual friends or acqaintances, and I don't intellectually have a problem with the idea of hanging out with them, but I hate being blindsided like this, feeling like I've made plans under false pretences. I'm relatively introverted, and feel uncomfortable being given so little time and space to make a decision about whether I want to hang out with somebody, especially when her question of whether I'm ok with an unexpected addition doesn't actually feel like a true question and just a formality? Like if I tried to push back and say I didn't want so and so coming for coffee, my reticence would be met with confusion, and I would feel like the person who was making things awkward, when I think this behaviour from her is the height of awkward rudeness?
I've tried fading things out with her and only responding to her invitations to get together, never initiating things myself, but we live so close to each other, and there are countless times in any given week when our paths might cross, that truly ghosting on the friendship isn't an option. There was one instance where I tried to push back, and said I'd prefer to keep our meetings one on one, but I definitely wasn't clear enough and my veiled attempt to get her to stop double booking her dates seems to have flown in one ear and out the other.
DH thinks I need to firmly call her out but we really do not have the type of friendship that accommodates that kind of critique. The fact that it keeps happening is making me seriously second guess my feelings and wonder if maybe this isn't as rude as I think it is? AIBU? And if not, how the hell do I respond to this and make it stop happening? Do I have to literally ask after every invitation if she's already planning on inviting someone else? I feel like I'll come off like an arsehole.
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AIBU?
Friend's awkward plan-making behaviour
63 replies
ballofwax · 13/04/2017 13:10
OP posts:
WizardOfToss ·
13/04/2017 13:56
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