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should DD age 3 get to decide who kisses her?

(59 Posts)
usernamechange6579 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:31:02

I have a DD, 3. She is bright and articulate for her age, and quite confident.

I live near DM and step-father. Several times recently, when we visit and are saying goodbyes, step-father tries to grab DD and give her a goodbye kiss. DD then shouts no, get off (or similar). Step-father then tries to hold her tighter, turn her or whatever and insist he get a kiss. He's playing around a bit, treating it like a joke - but at the same time holding her so she can't get away, which makes her shout louder and still refuse the kiss.

I want DD to be able to have her own boundaries, and want her to grow up thinking/knowing that when she doesn't want to be touched, kissed or whatever - by anyone - and says so, that should be respected. So the latest time this happened, I loudly said 'it's ok DD you don't have to have a kiss if you don't want one.' Step-father let go when I said that, but looked annoyed at me.

DD willingly lets DM kiss her.

I am a LP so DD doesn't really have many men around. She's quite happy playing with step-father apart from this one thing.

AIBU to say she should get to choose who kisses her, even at age 3?

numberseven Wed 12-Apr-17 17:32:27

YANBU. Important to teach her about boundaries and bodily autonomy.

FABpMummy Wed 12-Apr-17 17:32:34


user1483387154 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:33:23


Wolfiefan Wed 12-Apr-17 17:33:54

YANBU. She gets to choose.

Usernameinvalid16 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:35:11


fuzzywuzzy Wed 12-Apr-17 17:35:18

Nope YANBU at all in any shape or form.

I have two dd's and I've long drummed into them that their bodies are theirs and nobody has any right to touch them ever if they don't want to be touched. I don't care if it's a relative, friend etc. I've also taught them to respect other people's personal space and boundaries too.

Kids have so little control over anything they should be allowed autonomy over their bodies.

TitaniasCloset Wed 12-Apr-17 17:35:18

Yanbu. You are teaching her an important lesson. Dsf can be upset all he wants.

Trifleorbust Wed 12-Apr-17 17:35:54

Of course not. Do bear in mind, however, that this is a relatively 'modern' idea in parenting terms and the older you are, the more likely to are to think it's a bit precious. I agree with you but I don't think your stepfather was doing anything he thought would harm or upset her.

cautiousoptimist1 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:36:38

YANBU! If she'll happily play with your step father, ask her how she'd like to say bye bye to him. My nephew has always given me a kiss and hug to say bye (his choice) but won't kiss my husband so they have either a high five or a very vigorous handshake and both are fine with that.

HecateAntaia Wed 12-Apr-17 17:36:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chchchchangeabout Wed 12-Apr-17 17:37:22


StoatofDisarray Wed 12-Apr-17 17:37:38


VladmirsPoutine Wed 12-Apr-17 17:38:18

Yanbu, I don't think anyone should be forced to kiss anyone. That said, I can understand that he might feel a bit left out. Perhaps if he eases up a bit she will naturally show him affection.
That said, I'm still a bit on the fence. When my niece was a similar age - up until say 6/7, and I'd say "Are you going to give aunty Vlad a kiss goodbye?" she'd say no and run away - I'd lift her up, she'd squeal and embrace me with the biggest sloppiest kisses ever and not want to let go.

LordCake Wed 12-Apr-17 17:38:49

YADNBU her body, her choice, always with o exceptions.

Emphasise Wed 12-Apr-17 17:38:57

My Ds stopped wanting to be kissed by gps etc at about 4yo and I was flamed here for letting him be so rude as to refuse.

I agree with you though, no one should have a kiss or any other touching imposed on them

PinkHeart59156816 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:42:17

Yanbu Absolutely she should choose, I hate it when parents make the child kiss/cuddle whoever when they clearly don't want too

My 19 month old only cuddles, kisses people he goes to on his own I would never say he had too with my youngest she's only 8 months so I do still give her to people but take her back if she's not happy.

fizzicles Wed 12-Apr-17 17:43:33

I'm with everyone else- YADNBU - she is entitled to autonomy about who touches her. Could you encourage high fives or something instead?

NeonGod73 Wed 12-Apr-17 17:44:19

Let her choose, it's her decision. As long as she says bye-bye politely, that should suffice.

Heirhelp Wed 12-Apr-17 17:47:20

Yanbu. Perhaps you can say in future are you offering kisses or waving good bye.

SparkleGoldGlitter Wed 12-Apr-17 17:47:57

Yanbu you should let her choose

I've got friends that I know there children but not well ( I see there dc maybe 3 times a year) and they say oh you must cuddle/kiss sparkle to say thank you for your presents. Child doesn't want to but parents insist I hate it as I know the poor child is uncomfortable.

My dd is under a year old but I would never make her kiss/cuddle someone she doesn't want too. Encourage them to say hello/bye that's polite but no need to encourage kissing/cuddling

Exercisejunkieforlife Wed 12-Apr-17 17:47:58

Yanbu my DD 2 who is 6 doesn't like and has never like being kissed on the mouth.

We would never make her, it's important she knows that when she doesn't like someone kissing touching her she can say no.

I was abused by my step grandfather (sexually) and remember being made to kiss him goodbye. I still think this was one of be reasons that stopped me speaking out.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair Wed 12-Apr-17 17:48:01

YANBU. Bodily autonomy is so important, although I agree with a PP that it's relatively recent that this idea is gaining traction and so id expect a degree of 'wtf, don't be so precious' from some.

There are lots of things I do firmly encourage politeness on - exchanging pleasantries and so on - but we get to decide what happens to our own bodies.

MrsMeeseeks Wed 12-Apr-17 17:48:02


CaoNiMartacus Wed 12-Apr-17 17:48:04

Let her choose.

I can still physically remember the discomfort of being forced to kiss elderly male relatives (and yes, it was always the elderly male ones who pushed the issue - sue me for ageism or sexism or whatever).

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