to think that if people are going to ask what I want for my birthday

[bigbluebus]

I may as well go out and buy it myself.

I have a birthday coming up shortly. Not a 'special' one - no 0 on the end! For a few weeks DH has been asking me if there is anything I would like for my birthday. I can't think of anything in particular that I want or need. He has known me for 30 years, so you'd think he could think of something I might like by now.

DS (19) has just crawled out of bed to head into our small local town with a view to getting me a birthday present. He has asked me to tell him what I want. There are a very limited range of shops in town and and even bigger limit to the ones he might go in or things he might buy - eg If I said I fancy a nice item from a certain ladies clothes shop he would not go in there and choose something.

AIBU to think that if I have to think of something for them to buy me they may as well not bother as there will be no element of surprise on my birthday or they may as well give me the money and say "go and choose something you'd like".

Disclaimer: I have recently suffered a huge loss and change in my life and am already feeling a bit down which may be clouding my judgement and adding to me feeling sorry for myself.

[Tobuyornot99]

I personally wish my DP would ask me what I want for birthdays, might stop the endless list of horrid handbags, jewellery, perfume I dislike etc etc. We have bow agreed that I write a list of 3 things and he gets me one, so still a supreme but something that I want. We are all different I guess, but I couldn't personally get upset at being asked what I want

[WorraLiberty]

Yes I think it is clouding your judgement.

I can't think of anything in particular that I want or need. He has known me for 30 years, so you'd think he could think of something I might like by now.

If you can't think of anything, what makes you think he should be able to?

[Tobuyornot99]

Surprise obviously, not supreme!

[MrsMoastyToasty]

What about a weekend away? Or a donation to charity?

[DrippyWet]

Hmm, I think that it's hard for people to buy big things for me. If I want something then I'll just buy it myself and I'm also really not a fan of receiving pointless stuff. Im happy to tell my D.C. and DH to either not worry at all or to just get some sweets or something. For my last birthday I received some favorite sweets and honey from my DH. I thought that was perfect. My DC got together and sent a funny card ....and that was it. I thought it was great.
If you find it hard to think if something to suggest your DS gets you then just imagine how hard it is for him to think of something.

[Gizlotsmum]

Could you give them a couple of options so there is still an element of surprise?

[bigbluebus]

worra because I always try and find something that I think he would like and enjoy for his birthday, based on what I know interests him.

tobuy I wish I could think of 3 things I would 'like'. My life in recent years has made me put very little value on material stuff. I tend to buy essentials and very little else.

mrsMoasty we are about to go on a weekend away, courtesy of some friends, followed by a city break abroad. We donate regularly to charity as we have some very close to our hearts but I would be fine if DH actually said that as I can't think of anything I want he will give a donation to charity instead. At least then he's made an actual decision.

[WorraLiberty]

worra because I always try and find something that I think he would like and enjoy for his birthday, based on what I know interests him.

Ok but that's you. It's not him.

By the time we're adults, with grown up children, most people are pretty hard to buy for because if they need/want anything they tend to buy it themselves.

It's just a birthday gift. I wouldn't get too hung up on it.

It really is the thought that counts.

[GrumpyOldBag]

Gosh I'm the opposite to you OP.

I really wish people would ask first. i've had many unsuitable presents over the years from people who think they know me.

[bigbluebus]

It really is the thought that counts.
Precisely Worra I would like them to put the thought in - not me! I couldn't care less if it was a small box of sweets as long as they thought I'd like it and they'd thought of it themselves.

[GreatFuckability]

I think you are being unfair OP. If even you cant think of 3 things you'd like, and say yourself you don't really value material things, how is someone else meant to know??
I was with my ex ten years, and knew him inside out. but he had very limited interest in things to make it easy to buy him gifts. he didn't have many hobbies, didn't need equipment for the ones he had, didn't really read or like music enough to pick a CD or whatever. no special interest in a tv show/film genre that made it easy to pick something like that. liked clothes, but was very fussy etc. its not always easy. I think your current mood is definitely affecting your judgement here. I'm very sorry for your loss. x

[Foslady]

What gets me is when people ask, you answer with something that's in budget and they buy you something else you really have no interest in!

[Cosmicglitterpug]

tobuy I wish I could think of 3 things I would 'like'. My life in recent years has made me put very little value on material stuff. I tend to buy essentials and very little else.

If you can't think of anything you'd like, how can your family? If you only buy essentials, they don't even have a guide. Doesn't sound like a
very easy task to me.

[SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter]

If you can't think of anything you need, how on earth are family/friends meant to know?

[WorraLiberty]

Meh. I think you sound a bit difficult to be honest OP.

Perhaps they feel damned if they do and damned if they don't.

[LadyPW]

Personally I detest surprises so I'd much rather I told someone (assuming they'd asked for an idea!) exactly what I wanted (and I mean exactly) and they bought just that. Please don't use your imagination. I have odd interests & specific likes and dislikes. And if someone wants a present off me then be specific too. Otherwise prepare to be disappointed.

[Falafelings]

I think you're being daft.

To avoid wasting money on crap and creating more landfill, asking is most effective

[Falafelings]

It's pointless trying to force someone who struggles with gift buying to suddenly be a mind reader.

[Falafelings]

It's very considerate your sons asked!

[Ihavefriends]

I thought this would be the opposite, people asking what you want, then buying the complete opposite, which is what I hate!

I think your mood is clouding your judgement, but also it's OK to say 'I don't know, a surprise, please.'

For my 18th, my mum asked what I'd like. I asked for a piece of outdoor equipment. She said 'I'm not getting that!' And bought me a piece of jewellery instead. Years later, she admitted that I'd have enjoyed what I'd asked for a lot more! (I don't wear jewellery. Her argument foir not buying what I wanted was that it wouldn't last. She's right, the jewellery has lasted, in the box, in the loft somewhere.)

I wish people would either ask, and act on the answer, or not bother asking! It is such a judgement on my choices to ask and ignore.

[bigbluebus]

OK seems the majority think IABU. Next year I will make a note in my diary a few weeks before my Birthday to make sure I scour the shops for things I might like and note down the exact item, price and shop where they can be bought from. Then all my 'nearest and dearest' have to do is physically take themselves off to the shop or track it down online from their armchair/bed. Job done!

[LadyPW]

You sound sarcastic..... You may find that next year you don't get any presents.

[GreyStars]

I also like to be surprised, and hate the "what do you want" discussion, I would be happy with anything, in fact I would genuinely be happy with just a card.

But, I am very easy to buy for if people want to buy me something, anything craft related will be loved and so I tend to remind people that I love XYZ, or say anything like sanctuary from boots so if they really want to get me something they can.

I spend ages thinking about what people might like for their days, but I enjoy doing this - some people don't, or they don't have time, they want to get something the person will love but just don't have the ideas. I'd be grateful they want to do something nice for you, they don't have to get you anything.

To be fair I am blessed with a DP who has excellent taste in jewellery but I can't see why you can't say - anything smelly from boots or sweets as a guide.

[Cosmicglitterpug]

[GreyStars]

Cross posted with the update, you sound really stroppy - there possibly terrified of getting it wrong