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AIBU?

AIBU to expect DH to be here for me

75 replies

jazz6 · 12/03/2017 23:17

So my grandfather passed away a week ago and it has devastated me. As I'm currently on mat leave with 10 week.old DD I've been staying with my folks since which is not local to home (few hours away). I needed to be close to family as I was really close to him. DD is with me and DH dropped us off as soon as I found out news which was great. I had planned to spend a few days with his folks, but that all changed. DH stayed 1 night with me and then rushed back to his mums next morning as apparently he had things to do. What more important than being there for your wife?? The jobs were dropping his sis off, which his dad could have done and then entertaining visitors. Great. He then was back at work and I stayed at folks, but called and expected me to go back to stay with in-laws as planned. I told him he was having a fucking laugh and I was staying put for a few weeks as that's where I needed to be. He laid on guilt trip of keeping dd from him which I wasn't and not spending time with in-laws. AIBU to stay near my family during such a sad time. So I then expected him to be up like a shot following weekend, but no he was on works night out Fri which was far more important and then he was at his mum's to go visit another grieving relative. He would see me at funeral. Weekend arrived and visit moved to Sunday, but rather than take short trip to see me and little one on Saturday, he sat at home with his mother watching TV!!! If you can't make effort to support a grieving wife/husband what is the point? Maybe I'm just expecting too much i know how I'd behave if tables were turned.

OP posts:

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mrsmalcolmreynolds · 12/03/2017 23:21

Well, although I'm very sorry for your loss, saying you're staying at your parents for a few weeks due to your DGF dying (sad though it is) seems a bit extreme.

foxyloxy78 · 12/03/2017 23:22

You are not being unreasonable. Your husband sounds like an absolute twat and mummy's boy.

foxyloxy78 · 12/03/2017 23:24

OP said how close she was to GF and she needs to be close to her family to get her through this hard time. DH should be more respectful and supportive.

Heratnumber7 · 12/03/2017 23:24

I think you're over reacting a tad.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 12/03/2017 23:26

....and I can therefore see your DH's point about keeping your DD from him. Also you seem pretty dismissive about his other "grieving" relative and also appear to describe a trip of a few hours as a "short trip" when it suits you.

So although I am sure this is a very tough time, your post does come across as really quite demanding.

WatchingFromTheWings · 12/03/2017 23:30

Staying away from home for a few weeks is a bit extreme. As sad as it is losing someone you're so close to, life does still go on.

sibys1 · 12/03/2017 23:31

We all grieve differently, but going to stay with your family, hours away from home, taking your newborn with you when your DP still has to work, for several weeks, is pretty extreme.

WicksEnd · 12/03/2017 23:38

Sorry for your loss but I agree with Sibys1.

Lifes going to chuck much more at you love, and it's prossibly your first loss and you're taking it hard but it's time to go back home 💐

HeddaGarbled · 12/03/2017 23:41

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss

However, I do think you are being a tad unreasonable.

You say you need to be with family. But your H & D are your family. It's reasonable to rush to your parents and your H took you there immediately and stayed the night. You say he rushed back but staying the night wasn't rushing back. You ask what's more important than being with his wife, but you were with your family, it's not like he was abandoning you.

To some extent, you've abandoned him. A few weeks at your parents with your D does seem excessive. Most of us have to go back to work so have to just get on with it and use the weekends to support whichever of our parents has lost their father.

gamerchick · 12/03/2017 23:42

Yeah you are a tad U OP sorry man. There is no rhyme nor reason to grief so I'm not going to comment but you do need to cut your bloke some slack here.

nursebickypegs · 12/03/2017 23:45

I'm sorry for your loss. If my Papa (grandad) died, I'd be staying with my mum & dad for a while, purely as my papa is everything to me. I imagine DH would give me space to grieve, and probably take DS home for some night.

Your DH sounds like a mummy's boy. It's okay for people to say "well DH is your family now"; well to him, you're his family and he needs to support you during this time.

BackforGood · 12/03/2017 23:50

YABU, yes.

You are clearly sad that your grandparent has died, but going and staying with your parents for weeks is OTT, and he is right, you are keeping your dd from him, if he has to go to work some distance away.

PNGirl · 12/03/2017 23:51

I'm confused. Where does his family live? Near your parents or near where you live now? Were you supposed to combine your visit several hours away with seeing his family?

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 12/03/2017 23:56

So the DH is being a mummys boy for being with a greiving family member on his side, but OP is absolutely right in staying with her family for weeks?

GoodnightSeattle · 12/03/2017 23:57

He seems a bit insensitive yes but you are being really unreasonable in retreating to your family for weeks at a time hours away with your shared child. That doesn't seem like a standard reaction to me - are things with you and him generally okay at the moment or is this sad event also an opportunity to get some space from him?

PNGirl · 13/03/2017 00:04

Regardless of the in-law thing, YABU. Between DH and I we've lost all 4 grandparents and my mum's sister in the last 4 years. A week after each event was the time the funeral was over and we all started trying to regain some routine.

RiverdaleJughead · 13/03/2017 00:05

This reply has been deleted

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MrsTerryPratchett · 13/03/2017 00:14

DH's mother died when DD was very small. If he had taken off for weeks (with or away from DD and me) I would have been horrified.

OneSecondAfter · 13/03/2017 00:16

It was probably not fair of him to expect you to go to his parents one day after your grandfather passed, but I do think you reacted badly.

"I told him he was having a fucking laugh and I was staying put for a few weeks as that's where I needed to be" - what did you expect from him at that point, if not an argument?

OneSecondAfter · 13/03/2017 00:19

DH's mother died when DD was very small. If he had taken off for weeks (with or away from DD and me) I would have been horrified

The thing for me and I assume most people is that they wouldn't want to take their child with them away from their home and their other parent for weeks on end. And then at the same time they wouldn't want to leave the child with the other parent and be away from them for weeks - and that's why one reason why people do not spend weeks at their parents house in this kind of situation!

BillSykesDog · 13/03/2017 00:20

So his family have recently been bereaved too? It must be very difficult if both the families have been bereaved recently. But you are with your family and you do have support there, it's not like he's left you on your own. Who died in his family?

Kiwiinkits · 13/03/2017 00:33

It sounds like you're massively over-reacting. Life goes on after people die, I'm afraid.

Topseyt · 13/03/2017 00:56

I am sorry for your loss, but unfortunately I do think you are being a bit extreme to say that you are now staying away for weeks.

I could understand a week or two, until after the funeral, and that is what DH did each time one of his parents died.

Your DH has already done everything I would expect of anyone in those circumstances. Why do you need to be there for weeks?

Topseyt · 13/03/2017 01:10

Also, are you expecting him not to go to work because your grandfather died?

Harsh as it may sound, I highly doubt that they would give him much, if any, paid leave for this because it isn't his close relative. He would probably be allowed to take annual leave for a couple of days to go to the funeral, but other than that he would be expected at work.

Also, if you are a few hours away from home then that is hardly a "short trip".

I appreciate that it is a hard time, and sad, but I do think your expectations are unrealistic.

sibys1 · 13/03/2017 01:21

I've never had an employer that would give me even a single days' paid leave if a grandparent died. Whenever I've lost a grandparent (even one i was very close with), I had to take one day of annual leave then back to work. I assume it's similar for most people.

A week away would be a lot, especially when you're taking a newborn away from one parent. Going away for several weeks is...and i hate to say it because grieving is horrible and we all do it differently... very selfish.

Then getting mad at your partner on top of that...

I'm sorry OP, but I think you need to get back to normal life and maybe visit a grief counsellor if you're really struggling.

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