To not go on a date with him

[chipauchoc]

Met this guy on OLD, spoken on the phone a few times, first date coming up. He seems really nice, bubbly, chatty, we seem to have a laugh and have chatted effortlessly for ages on the phone. Something however is niggling me and I'm not sure if I ABU.

He split from his partner 5 years ago, a year after the split he moved back to his home town, the other side of Britain leaving 2 DCS aged 3 and 4 with DM an hours flight away. He doesn't see them 'very often' but speaks on facetime regularly. I asked him what made him take this decision and he said he thought things over and decided 'I needed think about me and my life' 'there were no opportunities up there and ultimately me sorting myself out would benefit the DCS eventually' 'my dad did the same with me and I totally understand why'.

Things are amicable with his ex and as far as I can gather he pays maintenance.

I just can't get my head around why a dad would leave his kids and not see them regularly (in the summer he has them for a couple of weeks) and as much as I want to meet him for a date, this is niggling me. Can I Ask WWYD? And AIBU?

[Shoxfordian]

Not unreasonable
Don't think I would date him; he's not making the effort with his children and his actions show a lack of integrity

[IgnatiusReilly]

It's never unreasonable to decide not to date someone. You don't need a 'reason' - not wanting to is enough. You don't owe anyone a date.

Aside from that, a man who abandons his kids is not a nice person, so I'd steer well clear.

[Userone1]

I wouldn't, in generally people who don't see their kids often are arseholes in my opinion.

[DevelopingDetritus]

Would put me off. Never got how a parent can do this.

[pictish]

Oooh I'd be put off as well.

[jay55]

It's a big deal having different family values and so not unreasonable at all.

[KC225]

Red flag for me too OP. I know it's only a first date but why invest in someone who cannot prioritise the feelings of a 3 and 4 year old and doesn't see them very often THROUGH CHOICE.

[Trifleorbust]

I could not leave my child.

[IamFriedSpam]

I think that would put me off too. I can't imagine doing that and wouldn't want to be with someone who could walk away from their kids if they didn't absolutely have to.

[DevelopingDetritus]

Another thing that niggles at me I know I'm out of order men that are bringing their children up without the mother involved, I know, I know I'm terrible, I also know too there's a lot of good men doing this but me being paranoid, makes me think they've drove the mother away, that was the only option she had. Silly, but there it is.

[Trifleorbust]

Plus, this is going to be him presenting himself in the most favourable light possible. The real story may be no worse, but it will certainly be no better.

[dowhatnow]

Yep totally agree unless it is obvious there are real extenuating circumstances i.e. Impossible to get a job there(and can prove it]

[stevie69]

Hi OP,

Firstly, as IR has already said, you can never be unreasonable for not wanting to date someone for any reason. However, I don't think that's the issue here ....

The consensus thus far seems to be that it's a deal breaker: for me, not so. He doesn't sound like a bad parent in any way (from the limited information available) and seems to have thought through his choices quite seriously. He's on good terms with his family—always great—and to me it seems like he made the decision to move with his family, as well as himself, in mind.

I'm sure that this would not have been his choice at the outset but life does have a habit of kicking you in the teeth sometimes. I wouldn't let that issue alone put me off.

Good luck with whatever you decide

S xxx

[FrenchLavender]

I really think it depends on how often he makes an effort to go and see them or have them to stay, and how often he (honestly) bothers to FaceTime them. someone could live in the next street and make less effort than someone else 300 miles away.

He may have had few decent job opportunities where his ex lived and you need more money when you split your household and have to continue funding your ex and paying for the roof over your children's head while paying for new accommodation yourself. Or he may have moved to pursue a new relationship which ultimately didn't work out. If you wouldn't just a divorced mother for moving her kids away from her ex then you shouldn't just a father either. I wouldn't judge him just yet. Find out a bit more.

[Userone1]

Yep I would guess you are hearing the sugar coated version. Even if everything he has said is true, he has still walked away for a fresh start. He sounds like he could be one of those that only want to see kids if in a relationship with the mother.

[FrenchLavender]

oh FFS bloody autocorrect drives me insane. JUDGE not JUST

[chipauchoc]

I totally agree, it's not as if he said yes I moved away but I go up every other weekend (which is feasible for an hours drive away) to see them. That, I think I could deal with.
Right I need to figure out what to say to him to give him the heave ho. I'm not very good at this bit. Do I tell him why? Is there any point? Or do I give a generic excuse?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

He said his father did it with him. You can't blame him for doing what he knows. However, you can find his choices a deal breaker for you. If there were zero opportunities for him where his children are living and a good job where he is now, money does also factor in. He may have had to choose between being physically present or financially present. Without knowing more, it's hard to say.

[Userone1]

Generic excuse

[Ragwort]

He shows a total lack of integrity which, personally, I couldn't accept.

I knew someone in a similar situation but he took a two hour flight every other weekend to visit his children and maintain something of a relationship with them for many, many years (until they were in their mid 20s). Still not ideal, but at least he tried to make an effort.

[DevelopingDetritus]

Hi bloggs, sorry I'll not be able to make the date on Saturday, I've changed my mind. Then block.

[Ledkr]

It's nice to see so many people would be put off by this.
My xh dp seems to think its perfectly normal for him to hardly see our children whilst having one after another with her.
In fact she even told dd she should make "more effort" 😡

[weatherbomb]

I have a friend who does the same as Ragworts friend. Has flown down from the other end of the country to see his DD regularly for the past 15yrs. They have a brilliant relationship. Another friend flies back & forth on alternate w-ends as well. There's no excuse tbh.
Generic excuse for this one I think.

[KoalaDownUnder]

It would be a deal-breaker for me. And I don't even have kids.

[MillionToOneChances]

If you're going to turn him down and never speak to him again, do the kids a favour and say why.

I don't think the moving away is an issue, in some parts of the country there are very few jobs (especially in certain fields), but hardly seeing them is inexcusable. I've met people OLD who drove 3-4 hours alternate weekends to see their kids. Even friends whose exes have emigrated, the kids get to see them several times a year for a week at a time.

(For PP who doesn't have kids should be even more of a deal breaker as might want kids and clearly couldn't rely on him!)