AIBU re Dd (14) and PARTY?

[PorridgePot]

Dd is 14 (nearly 15) and is in the middle of a complete rage about a party tomorrow night.

I was 14/15 once and know exactly what house parties at this age are like. Dd is very sensible and we do trust her to be sensible but we said a few months back that if she wanted to go to 'that kind of party' our rule was that we would take her and collect her ourselves. She could have a friend to sleep over but could not sleep elsewhere as dh and I want be able to have some sense of what these parties are actually like and to see the aftermath for ourselves. It's not that we don't trust Dd but want to have an understanding of where she is/ what's going on. Worst case scenario, we would bring her home if things looked dodgy/ rowdy when we dropped her off.

The taking/ picking up is not an issue in itself for Dd as we live rurally, as do her friends.

However, she is livid that we won't let her sleep elsewhere after a party. Two other friends are having a sleepover. She Says we don't trust her but I'm just not ready to abandon the reasons why dh and I decided on this stance in the first place.

Aibu?

[Ilovecaindingle]

Offer to host the sleepover yourself. . .

[PorridgePot]

I've tried that!

[19lottie82]

I think you're definitely right. She's still young and most likely a bit naive. As already suggested can you offer to host the sleepover?

[19lottie82]

Sorry cross post! I'd stand your ground the Next OP, you've offered a rational solution and she's rejected it so tough titties!

[Onemorewonthurt]

Could you not collect them all and drop them at the sleepover house?

[PorridgePot]

Yes but 'all my friends get drunk' and she doesn't yet she's the one with the strictest parents, apparently. She's really raging :(

[Lochan]

You've set conditions for attending the party. They are perfectly reasonable- whether or not she attends is up to her.

I wouldn't budge.

[PorridgePot]

Onemore, that would sadly be tricky considering the geography, involving 3 distant villages.

[frenchfancy]

"All my friends get drunk" would be a good reason not to allow a sleepover at 14. I think YANBU

[PorridgePot]

Lochan, thanks. I am starting to think maybe I am overprotective as all friends are allowed.

[SalmonFajitas]

I think surely if you drop her off and get confirmation that she's arrived safely at the sleepover house it should be OK? Do you know the other parents could you speak to them to make sure DD has arrived safely?

[VocalDuck]

Let her rage all she likes. I'd give her two options - she goes and comes back home to sleep or she doesn't go at all.

[Trifleorbust]

'All my friends get drunk'?! Ha - no way.

[PorridgePot]

Salmon, the thing is, she quickly exploded into a rage and so we are passed the point where we can negotiate. I can't cave in to a meltdown.

[AChickenCalledKorma]

She's actually telling you she plans to get drunk? At 14, that would be enough for me to stop her going at all, never mind overnight. And yes, I do have a 14yo daughter. So you can safely tell her you are by no means the strictest parent in the world.

[VocalDuck]

If you agree to anything other than what you have already suggested, she will learn that she gets her own way when she strops.

[SetPhasersTaeMalkie]

Yanbu at all. You've set perfectly reasonable boundaries, explained them in advance and that should be enough.

DS is 14, nearly 15. He goes to parties but with the condition that I've spoken to the party holder's parents first. Now that's embarrassing!

I think you're being sensible.

[PorridgePot]

She has counselling for anxiety and has self harmed many times but tells me she's stopped ( I believe her) so I feel sick at her being out of control emotionally- and she's been so much calmer for 2 months.

Responses so helpful as I genuinely don't know if I'm BU as part of me wants to give in so she will calm down.

[PollytheDolly]

Nope! I feel the same as you. Don't budge, you have rules for good reason. She'll get over it.

[Fluffycloudland77]

No flipping way. In about 30 years she'll be having this conversation with her DD too.

[PorridgePot]

Sorry x posts!
She doesn't get drunk, but 'all my friends do' hence the alleged unfairness of most sensible person not being trusted

[Islacornx]

Do you both have an iPhone?
If you click the little i in the top right hand corner of your messages between one another you have the option of sharing your location with that particular contact. Could you drop her off at the party and if it looks reasonable allow her to stay at the friends for a sleepover providing she shares her location with you indefinitely so you know where she is at all times and you pick her up from the friends house in the morning?

[JigglyTuff]

I'd just do what VocalDuck suggests - your rules or she doesn't go. And if she rages any more you may consider letting her go at all.

[loobylou10]

My son is 15 and not allowed to sleep out when he's been to a party. Until we know he can keep himself safe he has to come home (or not go!). Stick to your guns.

[Katy07]

If she's throwing a wobbly then I'd be suggesting to her that if she doesn't grow up quickly she'll not actually be going to the party at all
Either her friends aren't getting drunk or they are but their parents have no idea (or they have crap parents like my friend at school had - their 14 y.o daughter was so well-parented that she got pregnant by her 19 y.o. boyfriend and they were fine about it )