Bday AIBU(35 Posts)
It was my bday midweek last week. Me and DH working. So we had a night out wknd before with small group of friends. On my actual bday, I would not see DH (he had to work till midnight) so he cooked bday dinner / we did cake the night before with DCs.
On my actual bday, Around 8.30pm I called DH work re some arrangements. I was told he already left work. I tried to call him and he texted he can't talk will call me later. I got v excited thinking he is on his way home and we can spend nice evening together as kids already in bed. 2h later he was still not home. I felt upset at the time, but had my dinner, caught up on calls/messages and watched some telly. When he arrived back around 10.30pm, I did not question but he admitted he stopped in the pub for an hour to have a drink (on his own) and now we can have a glass of wine together .. He did not understand why I would be upset
AIBU to expect him to spend evening with me on my bday?? We have a lot of issues we are trying to work on btw - and I made quite a big point about being close/spending quality time together few days before that happened...
I wouldn't have minded if he was working, but would really question what he was doing. Why would he rather spend your birthday alone in a pub?
I'm on the fence on this one.
On the one hand, it sounds like you are making a fuss. You did loads of stuff in the build up to your birthday, surely that's enough?
But! If he had the evening free after all, I would be upset if my DP didn't come home so we could chill on the sofa or something.
To be honest, alarm bells would be ringing for me that he took 2 hours to come home and lied to you about when he was finishing. Does he do this often?
I did not mind at all that he was at work. But really annoyed me thinking that am at home on my own on my bday and That has not crossed his mind !! As apparently I had lots of celebrations already..
So you really wanted 3 birthdays? He evidently doesn't care about you. LTB.
Is he Scottish and you're not? Was he skiving off for burns night?
I'd be really upset if my DH left work early on my birthday and went to the pub without me, I think your husband is utterly selfish. Sorry.
And happy belated birthday
How long before 8.30 did he leave work?
And why did he say he had to work to midnight?
I'm sorry, but this sounds dodgy.
He did not lie. He finished earlier
And he admitted that. He did not take my call as he knew I would not approve. So he decided to stop for only 2 drinks.
I agree we celebrated a fair amount already but this is more about me/him as a couple
I think given the fact that you had already celebrated your birthday twice, i dont see the big issue. And he made quite a fuss the night before
But as you said there is clearly more that is bothering you than this.
TBH this would piss me off whether it was my birthday or not.
What if you'd wanted to go out? Does he often take it upon himself to decide that he's free and single to sit in the pub after work while you sit at home with the DCs?
Saucyjack - you are spot on.. unfortunately
OP only celebrated and had cake the day before, because her husband had to work. Only he didn't have to work did he? So they could have done it on the proper birthday. I don't see this as OP being greedy about birthdays at all.
I'd be upset and worried to be honest,it took him 2 hours to have 2 drinks and get home?and the fact that he didn't take your calls because he knew you'd be upset is a really shit thing to do to someone your supposed to love on they're birthday.
You say he admitted it, but you already knew. It's not like he phoned you to tell you he'd finished, why not? My husband would in no way do that regardless if we'd had 1 night or 10 to celebrate my birthday and I wouldn't do it to him. If I finished work early I'd be on the phone to him as I left work!
It is a bit odd.
Two seperate issues really.
1) you had already celebrated your bday a couple of times so to expect more. YABU
2) He should have told you he was going to the pub after finishing early. YANBU
If he "often" stops off for a drink on the way home (alcohol? Does he drive?) then is he struggling a bit with depression or anxiety or stress?
I think regardless of your birthday scenario it is time to talk.
No, I don't think you're BU - those are your feelings and you're entitled to them - but clearly your OH doesn't get it (or doesn't care enough about you, but personally I wouldn't assume that). Mine sometimes needs things of this nature spelling out in words of one syllable but shows in other ways that he really does give a shit. So it's definitely worth saying how you felt, but in a non-accusatory way so that he can actually hear you without being put on the defensive.
for the birthday!
So you rearranged your birthday plans to the day before as he claimed he was working late on your birthday.
Even if he thought he was going to have to work late and then didn't, he should have come straight home as it is your birthday and regardless you had already celebrated it he should have wanted to share a glass of wine with you that day- not hide in a pub.
He didn't answer your call? I'd be fuming. I don't like being made to feel like I'm a nuisance who can be avoided. I think he's only telling you he got out early because you caught him out. He was either going to lie and say he worked late and then admitted it when he knew you had called work, or he wasn't in the pub he was somewhere else entirely and that's why he wouldn't answer your call. Do you suspect another woman?
The birthday thing would annoy me, but it would annoy me an equal amount that he deliberately ignored my calls.
The Birthday is mostly irrelevant to me. The issue for me is that he told you he would be working stupidly late (until midnight) He then left far earlier (before 8.30) but instead of coming home went "to the pub on his own"
I have no issues with someone having a wind down after work but there is basic courtesy involved. Especially as There are two working parents in this family. If one wants to go out they should be calling the other and saying "I've had a horrible day I've got out but I need to wind down. Do you mind if I Nip out for an hour or two I will be back by x time"'
Also who spends two hours in the pub on their own? I'm afraid there would be a million alarm bells ringing for me.
YABU. While I don't understand people who do absolutely nothing on their birthdays, of which there are quite a few on Mumsnet, I also don't understand people who feel that every birthday has to be a 5 day celebration or else they have been short changed. You had a night out with friends and a second night with birthday cake and a special meal cooked by DH. It sounds like a really nice celebration of your birthday. You talk of having to work on issues, if you're insisting that DH is tied to you every night of the week, then you may find that you are unintentionally sabotaging your relationship.
I don't think she is insisting that at all , glorious. Op wasn't going to demand an entire all-singing all-dancing birthday. It's just weird that her husband chose to avoid her call and sit alone in a pub...when he could have gone home for a glass of wine and a boxset (on his wife's actual birthday)
It's the sneaking around and drinking alone that suggests he isn't happy at the thought of going home and wants to avoid the issue. I think something is wrong.
This sounds like a Mars/Venus thing - in his mind you had already celebrated your birthday (twice) and now its all done and dusted so why would he need to go home if he didn't need to work after all. On the other hand I can see how you would be hurt and upset.
Sorry, this isn't any help but I dont think either of you are wrong!
"so why would he need to go home if he didn't need to work after all."
They have DC. Any parent who regularly thinks they don't "need" to go home after work and do their share of the dinner/bath/bed/washing uniforms/sitting in the house while the kids are in bed yadda yadda is a bit of a shit.
Birthday or no birthday.
I wouldn't assume it was another woman tho. I doubt it's anything more sinister than him choosing to wait in the pub until absolutely everything is done at home, and it's safe to go and sit on the sofa and carry on drinking.
Birthday aside, I'd be annoyed he went to the pub without telling me. YANBU. Also, the pub by himself for two hours? Alarm bells here too.
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