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AIBU to be upset at DU's behaviour after death of DB

(69 Posts)
Unmummy123 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:26:21

Hi- sorry I'm new here (longtime lurker) so please don't grill me!!!
A bit of background:
We live in a very close-knit family. I'm 22 and I live with my uncle, mum, sister and boyfriend. DF died of cancer last year and recently my DB died tragically in a car crash.

These deaths have been so so hard on my whole family, but DU (darling uncle) has always been a bit controlling but ever since DB's death he has become especially controlling. My DB and DU had a very very turbulent and unpleasant relationship and DU is forbidding us to hold a funeral for him. He has taken ownership of DB's remains(I don't know if that's the correct terminology but anyway he has them) and just told is he is planning to dispose of them (I think he's planning on cremating them and scattering them) in secret.
I can't bear not to be present at my DB's funeral- but unfortunately he didn't specify how he wanted to be buried in his will and I don't know how to stop this. sad
I'm also quite superstitious and I'm worrying DB won't be at peace until he's buried. DM and DSis don't want to contradict DU, but DBoyfriend agrees with me and says we should do something. The only problem is we don't know how to stop DU until it's too late. AIBU to be hysterically angry at DU- any advice appreciated sad. I spent all yesterday crying and having panic attacks I'm so so worried about this.

LIZS Tue 31-Jan-17 12:28:28

Surely your dm is next of kin so should have final say.

Unmummy123 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:29:44

LIZS - my mum is unfortunately very mentally ill at the moment so she doesn't have capacity to make any decisions for herself sad

HecateAntaia Tue 31-Jan-17 12:29:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees Tue 31-Jan-17 12:30:00

Is DB your brother? In which case, surely your uncle (dear uncle isn't appropriate here!) isnt his next of kin so he has no right to forbid anything or withhold your brothers' remains.

Who's is the house? I imagine your mother would be next of kin in this circumstance bit I'm not sure. What is your uncle is doing is not legally correct - he's relying on your being bullied enough to let him get his way.

LIZS Tue 31-Jan-17 12:31:45

In that case you and/or your sister are next. Can you speak to the funeral directors yourself?

Unmummy123 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:31:46

I think the house is technically DU's, because my brother was only 19 and hasn't got a house

BaDumShh Tue 31-Jan-17 12:32:55

If your mum is mentally unwell, you or your sister (assuming she is an adult) need to take ownership of your brother's estate. Speak to CAB about how you can do this when there is no will.

ChasedByBees Tue 31-Jan-17 12:34:50

How do you mean technically his? Someone must actually own the property? If it was your mother and fathers, I would take steps to remove him. If it's his, I would try and move away. He is being so toxic.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:35:14

How does your uncle even have the legal rights to decide what happens to your brother? Surely your mum is next of kin and it's her responsibility to arrange a funeral and decide what happens to his remains.

I'm assuming this was very recent and that your brother is still in the chapel of rest. If so your mum needs to get down there and get it sorted ASAP. I can't understand how she can be OK with her son not having a funeral and not knowing what happened to his remains. sad

I'm so sorry for your loss, I've lost a sibling myself and it's heartbreaking. I hope you manage to sort this all out so you can say goodbye properly and find some peace. flowers

LIZS Tue 31-Jan-17 12:35:23

Does du own the house or your dm?

GeorgeTheHamster Tue 31-Jan-17 12:35:31

Your mum may be mentally ill but still have capacity to manage her affairs - what makes you think she lacks legal capacity?

user892 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:35:52

Speak directly to the holders of the body (mortuary? Funeral home?) and tell them what is happening. Is your uncle paying for disposal himself?

ChasedByBees Tue 31-Jan-17 12:36:10

And yes to speaking with the funeral director. Where are the remains now? You may need legal advice here OP to sort this out but obviously this is time critical now.

user892 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:37:10

Speaking to a hospital registrar would be a good source of info.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:37:14

Sorry massive X-post. Agree with others that if your mum isn't capable of sorting this then you should seek some legal advice to see what can be done.

EIsbethTascioni Tue 31-Jan-17 12:37:50

Where are your brother's remains now? You need to urgently speak to whoever has them and explain that you and your sister are his closest competent living relatives and that the funeral arrangements are down to you.

Did your brother leave a will? You also urgently need to find out who owns the property you live in.

user892 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:38:07

Hospital / council registrar for deaths I mean, not medical.

LagunaBubbles Tue 31-Jan-17 12:38:36

Is your Mum so unwell that your Uncle holds some sort of legal position in managing her affairs?

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 31-Jan-17 12:39:46

If the worst case scenario has happened and your not so D - U has already arranged for cremation and disposal you can always arrange a memorial service (whether it be a religious or non-religious ceremony) in order that you can say your goodbyes with people who want to celebrate his life.

It must be awful for you at this time to have to go through all this.

If you are uncertain as to who owns the property you all live in perhaps get some legal advice too.

EIsbethTascioni Tue 31-Jan-17 12:40:02

This is all a bit Wuthering Heights, what with all the tangled relationships and inheritance and stuff.

HorridHenryrule Tue 31-Jan-17 12:40:36

Go to a solicitor and sort this out. What is wrong with your mother he was her child.

user892 Tue 31-Jan-17 12:43:01

You can find out who owns the house by going on the land registry website and paying about £3 for an online download of the deeds. The owner will be listed as proprietor. If your father's name is there come back to us with details of if he had a will or not, and if your mother is mentioned on the deeds.

HorridHenryrule Tue 31-Jan-17 12:43:56

Sorry cross posted you and your sister are the people who can put a stop to this foolish behaviour.

PotteringAlong Tue 31-Jan-17 12:44:42

If your mum is that unwell does your uncle have power of attorney for her? If not then she has capacity and he is talking rubbish.

How has he "taken ownership"? If your DB has not yet been cremated his remains must be held at an undertaker / by the coroner. Can you contact them and point out he is not next of kin?

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