To ask for help with BIL and DN

[IfYoureFromAfrica]

Before I flip please

This will be long...

Me and DH at home with DD19 and DD9, BIL is visiting from Germany and has come to stay - bringing with him DN12. DN lives up north with her mum and BIL only sees her once a year - if that.

They have been here since Friday night, and will be leaving Wednesday morning - DN is supposedly 'ill' this week but hey ho she gets to see BIL and we are happy to see her - especially DD9 who up until this visit idolised DN.

Since DN has been here she has:

1. Left used sanitary products under my bed TWICE. The 1st time I had a chat with her but she has done it AGAIN!
   

1. Has been in DD19 room non stop (DD doesn't mind too much). However, DD had a friend round on Saturday before a night out and DN spent 30 minutes in their room complimenting both the girls outfits. On Sunday morning DD friend went home and couldn't find her dress from the night before, today I have since found this hidden with DN's stuff. Havent mentioned it yet.
   

1. Again on Sunday... DD19 has a cropped style jumper that DD9 is obsessed with and loves to wear when it allowed lol. I heard DD9 ask DD19 if she could borrow this which DD allowed. DD9 (fussy little madam) then decided she did not want to wear it and left it outside DD19's bedroom door. On Sunday DH and BIL took DD9 and DN out for lunch, queue a photo on FB showing DN in DD's jumper!!!! Obv DH and BIL pay no mind to clothing and had no clue it didnt belong to her. DD9 bless her is so polite she didnt dare say anything. Once they returned home DD12 said it was her jumper that her mum had brought her (DD brought this abroad so deffo not the same) - again didn't mention it as I didnt want to make a scene...
   

There is lots more incl DN telling everyone she loves how her mum is on benefits as she gets designer clothes all the time - Michael Kors bags, Chanel make up... shes 12 ffs

I am also missing a new pair of converse trainers (funnily enough I am the same size as DN) but I havent said anything yet.

I think my real issue here is BIL, he is lazy lazy lazy and I almost feel sorry for DN but I dont think I can make it 2 more days without snapping...

Please help me get through this!!! Lots of and for me i think!!!!

[CocoLoco87]

Just tell Bil or get DH to. It's not fair on your girls for this to continue

[DonaldFlump]

I think you have to mention the friend's dress at some point, in case your DN waltzes off home with it, and your DD gets the blame!

[EZA15]

I'd really have to have it out with BIL. I bet DN knows what she's doing is wrong but is banking on the fact that you won't say anything. I'd take the cropped jumper back and the (obviously stolen) converse.

[TheEmmaDilemma]

Why haven't you addressed any of the stealing as it's happened?

[SomethingBorrowed]

Take back the stolen items.
Have a word with BIL. I would include DN in the conversation, because if you don't BIL will talk 1:1 to her and she might twist the facts.

[Mrsemcgregor]

Say something to her!! You are doing her a disservice letting her believe stealing will be ignored so as not to cause a scene.

Part of your role as an adult it to tell children when they are doing the wrong thing.

[Soubriquet]

You need to take the stuff back!!

Don't let her go home with them

[ChasedByBees]

You need to address the stealing now. Frankly I'd ask them to leave if they won't deal with it.

[Berthatydfil]

You're dn is to be blunt a thief.
Take back your dds property It's unlikely that she has the same jumper especially as it was bought abroad.
Also take a look for your shoes however as these are your property it's up to you if you want her to have them.
Obviously there is no excuse for taking the friends dress.
I'm assuming bil is dhs bro so get him to have a word with him about her light fingers and tell him they/she won't be welcome again if he doesn't put a stop to it.
Also consider having a good rummage through her suitcase and keeping anything nice put away before she goes home.
It's a shame but it's onbvious she doesn't respect your or your dds property/belongings.
If she hadn't taken these items it might have been a kind thought to have given her a few of older dds outgrown items (assuming you're not keeping them for younger dd) however I would be thinking twice now.

[pinkyredrose]

Why on earth haven't you mentioned these incidents as they happen? Do it now, mention the stolen items and used pads (boak) now in front of everyone. Don't sit back passively fuming, that won't help anyone.

[AgnesNitt1976]

You need to speak to Bil infront of DN, this behaviour is not on.

I would personally search for the missing items and confront her about in with her father present explaining all that has happened.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

Have a talk with her with BIL present. I reckon if you don't she'll go running to her Dad crying she's being picked on (or some such excuse).

[IfYoureFromAfrica]

Thank you everyone for your responses

DN threw the jumper back into DD's room so that is back, and I have given DD her friends dress which she will post to her friend tomorrow - its a shame as DD and friend live about 1.30 apart and dont see eachother that often. DD is stressing even more as she is in the middle of moving out with BF and everything is half packed and now feels like she wants to unpack it all to check its all there lol.

DD9 is very mature for her age - perks of having an older sister lol - so she is very much rolling her eyes at the situation and knows I am fuming.

BIL is DH's adopted brother, and they dont see much of eachother - same with DD9 and DN which is why I hadn't made a scene before.

Part of me thinks that DN has seen how DD9 acts with older DD and has sort of adopted a new little sister role - which is why she is just taking things without asking.

Yes exactly that Berthatydfil DD19 loved having DN round last time, and as she is moving is throwing away half her stuff so probably would have let DN and DD take their pick.

I have told DH who i think has in turn had a word with BIL. I think DN is very immature for her age but I am trying to remind myself she is 12 FGS! I was too polite to even dare get myself a drink without asking in someones house!

Ahhhhh, 2 more days to go...

[IfYoureFromAfrica]

I think I feel slightly sorry for DN, she hasn't had the best upbringing and tbh I imagine her mum is very similar but its no excuse surely

[OurBlanche]

You simply collect up althe stolen items, go through her stuff and find your shoes... she has given up her right to provacy as far as that is concerned.

Take no shit, upset her. That is the only way she will learn that your home is not a free for all where she can sample the gfoods and take home ht ebits she wants.

Then, separately, tear your BIL off a large strip. He needs to parent up!

As for the sanitary products, is there a bin in her room? If so, riot act can safely be read, don't be polite about it. She will definitely know better than that!

[EweAreHere]

Search her stuff. Take everything back that isn't hers. Put it on the kitchen table in a pile. And call your DN and BIL in to discuss.

She's a thief. She needs to be pulled up on it pronto.

Defend your children's belongings! Not to mention your own.

[LagunaBubbles]

I still dont really get why you havent said anything at all for "fear of causing a scene". Regardless of reasons your DN is a thief and youre really not helping her by not saying anything, if and when she graduates to stealing from shops she could land in serious trouble. Plus your not really sending out a good message to your daughters.

[smearedinfood]

I'm with OurBlanche. but.... send them out for bread or something, walk in and take it back. Then when they came back embarrass the shit out of her/BIL by discussing the sanitary products at the dinner table in a hippy "we all have our periods way".

[MagicChanges]

It sounds to my as DN is a very disturbed young girl - this is not normal behaviour as you know. Do you know anything about her life with her mother - warning bells clanged with me when she said she was glad her mother was on benefits because she got this that and the next thing. I suspect the opposite is true and she can see your girls having a much better life than her, and a good relationship with you, so the stealing is her way of trying to cope with her feelings of envy (obviously this isn't conscious) children can't recognise and process their feelings, especially negative ones.

I know you might think this is way off the mark but I have worked with disturbed teenagers for many years and I can assure you that this is exactly how they behave - even down to the sanitary ware packing under your bed. Could be worse - girl left a used sanitary towel on the draining board at the foster-carer's home.
Sorry can't quite work it out - is BIL DN's father?
If so she is DH's niece - yes? Or have I got that wrong.

Either way that girl needs help. Do you have contact with her mother as I assume you perceive the girl as your niece too?

[IfYoureFromAfrica]

Hygiene problem I mentioned to her in a kind way, no bin in the bedroom as she is sharing with DD9 but there is a bin in the bathroom, in clear view. Shes quite show offy in a way so part of me thinks she wants people to know she has got her period - which I dont understand!

On my way back from work now, Tuesdays are a manic day for us so tonight will be spent getting everything in ship shape - meaning anything hidden will 100% be found.

I have mentioned missing items in passing, i.e. i said to DD and DN 'has anyone seen DD's jumper' when I have seen photographic evidence of DN wearing it and yet she denied it to my face.

DH and BIL are playing football tonight so I think I will take this time to have a good long chat with DN - no way will I be letter her off lightly - and I will make sure DH tells BIL what will be happening.

I can see it now, BIL is typical disney dad, DN could burn the house down and BIL would applaud her for it.

Wish me luck

[MagicChanges]

Oh god I've just looked at some of the other posts - they're pretty bad i my view. Some people can't see further than their nose. Some horrible suggestions- this girl is hurting like mad underneath this show of stealing and bravado.

Have a heart...................please.

[IfYoureFromAfrica]

Magic yes DN is DH niece. BIL is DN dad.

I do feel for her, her parents have never been together, her mum sits at home all day and eats takeaways everyday, DN has had no holidays/birthday parties nothing. Which is why I havent wanted to kick off, as she is very much treated like another daughter of mine when she is here.

I have never met DN mother, BIL had no contact with her until she was about 6 years old. She was an absolute angel child, the last time I saw her was about 3 years ago - wow she has changed!

[notangelinajolie]

Sounds like she hasn't had the best of upbringings and so I feel a little sorry for her but still .... I'd be finding it hard to bite my tongue too. I'd probably:-

1. Get the dads to take their DD's out bowling or somewhere and search through DN's things to see if you can find anything else that may have accidentally got mixed up with her belongings.
2. Search her bags just before she leaves.
3. Re Sanitary Towels - she shouldn't even be in your bedroom. Tell her it is strictly out of bounds.
4. If you find anything, check first with older DD just incase she has given her anything and then speak to her about it and tell her dad.

[MagicChanges]

OP I see you are going to have a long chat with DN tonight. I don't think you'll get very far to be honest if you're going to be critical and read the riot act. Don't expect her to admit to stealing because they never do - it's just the way it is. So if you want to bring this up I suggest you just tell her that you know about the stealing.

Can you bring yourself to be kind and put an arm round her and ask her how things are at home, at school (she could be being bullied) especially if she is telling silly lies which kids do when they want to impress people but don't realise their lies are transparent. This girl needs help not criticism. You say "no way will you be letting her off lightly" - please think again. This is a disturbed child FGS. on the cusp of adolesence. Please be kind to her.

[MagicChanges]

I think you've thrown light on why this poor girl is behaving like she is. Sounds like neither of her parents care about her and she's probably being bullied at school. She comes into your family and sees your girls with new clothes etc and a happy family and it's all so different from her life.

You haven't seen her for 3 years...............so she was 9. Surely you can see that when children reach adolesence their behaviour changes dramatically and this is particularly the case when they have been neglected. She is one very disturbed young girl and needs help. And you've never met her mother?? Why would you not? And dad didn't see her till she was 6 and aunt and uncle haven't seen her since she was 9!!!

Need I say any more. PLEASE reach out to her, put an arm around her, say nice things to her, ask if she's worried about her mom or school. It's unlikely she will confide in you but it's worth a try although it doesn't sound like she's going to be a part of your lives in the future.