DD and her friend WWYD?

[Iamthecatsmother]

My DS is 8. She's in year 3. She's a bright little girl and she's very kind. She was very confident when she was younger but since starting school her confidence has waned. We moved area two years ago with DHs job. The school she's at now is very small and rural. Dd says she likes it. She has been telling me she's been having problems with another girl in her year. This girl is known to have some behavioural issues. My DD often tells me this girl shouts at her a lot and dd says she's frightened of her. This isn't anything new. I told the girls mum what my dd had said and I also told dds teacher. There are still problems but I don't know what else to do.

Today I went with dds class on a school outing. This girl had no partner so she sat by me on the coach. This girl then told me how mean my dd was, how she was much cleverer than my dd and how she gets much harder work. She said my dd was slow in her class work etc basically telling me my dd was rubbish. I didn't say very much but when we arrived I told dds teacher what had just happened. The teacher said she would speak to the class as a whole about kind behaviour.

WWYD? I'm not suggesting my dd is perfect at all, she's not. And I know about dcs with SEN as my DS has ASD. But I'm tired of seeing my dd being put down by this other girl.

[NuffSaidSam]

Can your DD change class or could the other girl be moved? If not, I'd be tempted to look at other schools tbh.

The only other option is to try and make your DD understand that this girl has her own issues and that what she says isn't true. Try and build her confidence so she can overcome this girl's negativity.

I don't think there is much that can be done about the other girl. That kind of low level bullying is the hardest for the teachers to tackle because it's ever-present, small behaviours rather than overt physical bullying.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Blimey, moving schools because of one little madam! You'd have to home school to escape this behaviour!

I'd tell your DD to ignore her as much as she can and just because she says all these things, doesn't make them true. I'd encourage your DD to find other friends and tell her that real friends like us for who we are and don't treat each other like this.

[Putsomepeasonit]

I think you missed a trick by letting her say negative stuff about your dd to you without stopping her or intervening.

[CoraPirbright]

I would take it up with the teacher again but given the behavioural issues you mention, I am not sure how much good it will do. I do think she should be aware, though, that you are seriously concerned.

I would try to build your dd up by telling her that what this girl is saying is horrid nonsense and just to ignore. You could explain that everyone goes through phases in life and that this girl will probably be really nice when she is a bit older but just for now, just at the moment, she is a bit mean. Boost other friendships by having play dates so she has plenty of other people to chum about with (strength in numbers and all that).

[pallasathena]

I agree. You should've challenged her. Calmly and carefully but assertively too. How could you not defend your own child?
The behaviour you exhibited that day is being modelled to your daughter. No wonder she is passively accepting taunts and criticisms, erroneous assumptions and nasty behaviour from this child and don't use statementing as an excuse either.
If someone is behaving badly, you call them out in it whether they have ASD, dyslexia, autism, whatever.
I'd grow a pair if I were you.

[Floggingmolly]

Why did you "not say much" to this stream of nonsense from the little brat? . Be prepared for her to up the ante now she knows that even your dd's own mother doesn't have her back.
How do you expect your poor dd to cope with this when you couldn't nip it in the bud yourself?

[MuteButtonisOn]

I agree with those who say you should have said something. I would also add I have a child with both SN and LDs and it's even more important to indicate inappropriate behaviour as social norms are often not understood by children with ANs. I've had to raise issues with school about horrendous behaviour from statemented children towards my child. Nip it in the bud.

[Iamthecatsmother]

Thanks. I'm not a very confident person and I have no support network at all with my dcs hence asking the advice of MN. I should have nipped it in the bud in hindsight, I agree. (Years ago i had a massive row with my sister for nipping some bad behaviour in the bud with my niece, we dint speak for about a year, hence the reluctance to say something.) I hadn't thought that my lack of confidence would/could be mirrored by DD. Something I need to work on.

[Iamthecatsmother]

*didnt

For what it's worth, I feel like a terrible mother.

[GeordieShorefg]

How could you not defend your own child?

This x a million

What the hell is going on here, seriously OP as others have said your daughter is copying you

If I had been in your shoes I would have had a thing or two to tell the other child.

[MuteButtonisOn]

Think of it this way the other girl isn't getting the support she needs if this behaviour isn't challenged by school. Often parents of kids with ANs would rather you complained.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Firstly, DS has ASD (diagnosed).

Yesterday I attended afternoon reading. I was aware that quite a lot of the children were staring at me (I was not the only parent, I hasten to add). When the session ended, I was suddenly surrrounded by a bunch of angry 5/6 year olds who proceeded to tell me how awful my son was, how he'd hurt another boy in the playground, how his face was on the "sad" board. I was already aware that there had been an issue as the school send texts when your child is given a red card. So, I turned to all of them and said it wasn't their place to tell me anything, that I would speak to their teacher, Miss X, and that they should go and get themselves ready to go home. I have to admit I was mortified and felt sorry for my son as he didn't know what to do with himself. Miss X came rushing over and told them to go away and get on with hometime stuff. The issue was dealt with there and then, my son has been suitably sanctioned by both me and school, but I am glad that I spoke up, because they won't be so quick to do it again.

I do think you need to nip this one in the bud. I would have said similar to the girl as I said to the kids in my sons class but appreciate that you must have been completely taken aback at the time and it's difficult to know how to react to a child sometimes. I would speak again to the teacher, I don't think a "class as a whole" thing is acceptable in these circumstances, the child needs to be called on her behaviour and indeed how she spoke to an adult in an inappropriate way. SEN is no excuse for bad behaviour, I most certainly don't put up with it! Hopefully your DD will find some more suitable friends...not easy, I know..!

[CotswoldStrife]

Helping out on school trips can be quite the eye-opener for seeing children's behaviour! Well worth doing if you get the chance.

I have come across children who big themselves up, but not put others down so much. I think it's possible to disagree politely with a child running down your own, without being rude back. Also, discuss with your child what she can do when someone is saying/doing these kind of things - I've done that before, mention that it's OK to play with someone else or to say it's OK to disagree, that kind of thing.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I also think you had a perfect opportunity to set her straight.

Not in an aggressive or angry way, but by responding to what she was telling you with a "well, no X, that's not true. DD is also very clever/kind/polite etc." "Why on earth would you say something mean like that when it just isn't true?"

My guess would be that X would not be expecting that kind of a response & wouldn't have known what to say back to you.

I would now be asking whether DD & X can be separated at all. My DD has what I would describe as "fragile confidence" - she is confident generally but it doesn't take much at all to knock it down & make her believe herself to be rubbish at something. I wouldn't want another child constantly putting her down in this way. Even if DD knew deep down that X wasn't telling the truth, it would still have an effect on her.

[Iamthecatsmother]

I posted on here for some advice in good faith. I didn't realise I would get a roasting myself for it. I feel awful now and I'm in tears. I'll won't ask again

[SarcasmMode]

Ignore the aggressive lot iam they seem to be mimicking the girl in question.

Someone isn't confident and wants advice = shot down.

Now OP knows how the majority feel she can be more proactive.

Do you have no close friends, OP? Parenting is hard enough if you do have a support network.

[Ilovecaindingle]

Why not invite her for tea? Maybe encourage dd to give her a last chance? This will give you and dd a chance to put her nicely in her place - maybe she is actually envious of dd and comes across like a nasty madam? It will benefit your dd in that she is being the bigger man and befriending in the long run if years at school together could make life easier for dd. Doubt be best mates but rubbing along surely is better than it has been?

[AlmaMartyr]

Sorry you feel awful :( I've helped at the school lots, and have run youth groups. I find that children love telling me the "naughty" things my children have been up to. I asked my mum about it because she was a teacher and she said it was fairly common. I ended up getting good at shutting the kids down. It was a shock the first few times though and left me quite upset until mum (and teachers at the school) reassured me that it was a normal thing. Your case does sound extreme. If you've spoken to the teacher with your concerns then I'd just leave it now.

[CotswoldStrife]

Don't feel shot down OP, just think of it as a chance to give your DD the tools to cope with it herself. Your DD likes the school, so I'm wondering if something similar has happened to you in the past and you are feeling it more for yourself than her, if that makes sense?

[missmoz]

Iamthecatsmother

Don't feel bad, it's easier to know what to do in hindsight, and telling other people's children off doesn't come naturally to some people, especially when you're volunteering on a trip, you could have really over done it and caused more trouble for your daughter.

I would focus on your daughter, make sure she knows how great you think she it. And I would also have another word with the teacher if things don't improve in the next few days, and ask her to approach it directly, not to the whole class.

[toptoe]

Hang on, a child with behaviour issues owns their own behaviour. It's not your fault they were unkind about your dd to you. That's the child's issue. You were shocked I expect and didn't know how to handle it, especially if you're not used to dealing with a child with behaviour issues. I think even if you are they can sometimes catch you out.

I would just talk to your dd about this too - someone who is unkind is that way for their own reasons and it has nothing to do with you, although they blame the person they are being unkind to. Just tell her to let you and or her teacher whenever it happens. Speak to the class teacher every now and again and fill her in on what's going on. They'll be trying various things to manage it.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I don't think anyone's giving you a roasting OP. Just explaining what they would have done in the same situation.

It's actually a good thing that you went on this trip and experienced X first hand, now at least you know that your DD hasn't been exaggerating the behaviour and you can see what you are dealing with.

Maybe you could speak to the class teacher again and say that X is still picking on DD and ask her what she plans to do about it as the kindness chat doesn't seem to have worked?

There's no need to get angry with anyone - polite but firm & persistent is generally the best way I think.

[pasbeaucoupdegendarme]

Not fair that you are getting a roasting.

I teach Year 3 (so am used to dealing with and talking to children) and even I would be taken aback to the extent that I would fluster for words if another child started running mine down so openly. Esp when you are helping out on a trip and not supposed to "take sides".

However, I now think you need to speak again to the teacher and say you've had chance to think it over, and you're not happy with the way it was handled. Say this child needs speaking to individually and that she is having a persistent negative effect on your dd. Don't be scared of making a nuisance of yourself (and I don't usually say that!)

[mouldycheesefan]

Op, you have had good advice on here. To say you can't cope with the advice and won't post again is daft! Of course post again, you've learned a lot from it! Namely not to take shit from horrible kids.

[shovetheholly]

OP, perhaps you can get this moved to another board. AIBU is notorious for brutality! I think you would get more sympathetic and helpful answers elsewhere on the site.

I am not a parent so I cannot really advise. But I did want to say that I never know where to put myself as an adult when a child is rude, or how to react, so I can sympathize. Hand holding for you.