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To ask for help re dd travelling options here as she has been let down by friend .

(74 Posts)
ginorwine Thu 05-Jan-17 10:23:49

Posting here for traffic as dd upset and I really cd do with some options and perspective - story first .
Dd long term bf agreed to go travel this summer before uni
Wen dd discussed some weeks ago her friend told her she didn't recall the conversation and she had arranged go with two other girls
My dd upset and after discussion the other girl said join them
Dd thought about it and said y day she wd like to ( some weeks later - lot on a level revision etc) so her friend gave her the dates and itinerary
Then later yesterday evening she got a text to say she couldn't go as the others didn't want her to
( she doesn't know the others well ) and the reason they gave was they have refused others so can't allow dd . The mother of the other girl said it's because they don't want upset group dynamic .
My dd v upset as it feels like she has been told she can do this twice then told she can't .
I was there when they originally discussed it and find it hard to believe that her friend forgot the discussion . She is a very polite girl and I guess this is an excuse .
The girls mum I suspect but don't know thinks my dd is bit of wild child in that she goes to parties , drinks quite a bit ( had to go to hospital once but learnt from it ) - she does not more than many teens but the difference is she tells me !
The girls mum has told me that she thinks this once and in the back of my mind is the worrying thought that there may be some influence away from my dd here .for eg my dd has not been invited on holiday to their holiday home despite her friend saying she wanted her to go but others have for number of years . She's been told her can go but then she sees a snap chat of her there with someone else .
Anyway I now have a very upset dd who had planned the travel as a motivation to buckle down with her a levels .
Her other friends in her set are not going to travel .
Does anyone know of any schemes were dd could travel - ? She doesn't want to go alone . I have googled but can't find .
She is very sad about her friend - can't understand it - do I mention my suspected social engineering ? It could be me being totally paranoid - but I want her to kno that friends can be relied on as it's broken some of her vision of friendship a bit - so if I cd explain a possible context it may help ? ( but it's a gut reaction / fear not actual knowledge )
So it's two things
1 travel options
2 do I discuss as above or is it not my business !
I'm very upset ( and may not be thinking clearly )as she is vulnerable at the mo so please be gentle ..

MimiSunshine Thu 05-Jan-17 10:37:06

It sounds like your daughters friend didn't know how to tell her (twice) that she didn't want to go travelling with her so the first time pretended to have forgotten all about it and the second was put on the spot so back tracked later.

But even if the friend was happy for your daughter to go, the others aren't and group dynamics are important on any holiday let alone an extended period of traveling.

Maybe the friend doesn't want to feel responsible for your daughter abroad if she gets too drunk or requires treatment etc
And if she has a reputation as a wild child I can see why others don't want to risk any calamities abroad so maybe this is a chance to coach your daughter on how her actions are affecting how people view her and how this will affect her opportunities in life.

With regards to joining up with a group I'm sorry I can't help there but I'm sure there are forums etc

Lucked Thu 05-Jan-17 10:41:03

How old is your dd? Is she 18? Might make a difference in what she can do.

titchy Thu 05-Jan-17 10:47:33

What mimi said. Two observations - she shouldn't need a holiday to motivate her to study. If she does she shouldn't be studying. Secondly most teenagers drink. But very very few to the point of needing to go to hospital - you sound like you're minimising that event... I'd not be happy with my teen being on holiday with someone like that tbh. At least not abroad. So yes I think you should probably mention that - as mimi said people judge her by her actions.

Trips abroad - Operation Raleigh? Google though - there'll be plenty although you/she will need £££.

ginorwine Thu 05-Jan-17 10:47:54

She isn't a wild child - she is the same as her friends - they hide the parties etc from parents . She is open .
She will be 18 by then .

ginorwine Thu 05-Jan-17 10:51:09

Thanks I will google it .
We took her to hospital to check if she was de hydrated after being sick .
I get what you mean about being abroad and responsible though . However she did it once and learned from it .
She wants to study but her confidence in her ability can waver - she wrote herself a positivity list to keep herself motivated and strong and to boost her - travel was part of that .

BarryTheKestrel Thu 05-Jan-17 11:08:10

Friends of mine went travelling with contiki or did camp America in the summer before uni (10 years ago) , now my younger sisters friends are doing the same. May be worth looking into.

ginorwine Thu 05-Jan-17 11:09:39

Have found a gap year organisation
Thanks for comments about the fact that the friend may not have wanted to go with my dd - it helps . However , it was her suggestion originally !

Touchmybum Thu 05-Jan-17 11:09:59

I have a daughter the same age. She had similar experience with her BFF a couple of years ago - invited to go on holiday with her, only for it to turn out that her friend had invited someone else, on the basis that this other girl had never been abroad... DD was gutted at the time, but got over it. Following year, she was invited (the year before hadn't gone well with the other girl!!) but I had arranged a family holiday at the same time.

With A levels looming, some of her friends were planning on going to Greece and she wanted to do that, but they want to do it in style (!!) and DD thinks it's too expensive. I am quite happy for her not to go away with friends for another year - she will only turn 18 in March and while she is bright, she is very ditsy! Plenty of time for travel independently, I think. I was secretly pleased how it panned out because I wasn't content about her going anyway. Plus she now has a p/t job and would have to fund it, rather than the bank of Mum and Dad...

What about she looks at charitable trips abroad, stuff like working with kids in Romania, building orphanages - that kind of thing? She would be travelling with a group, she would have a sense of purpose/achievement, and it would be good for the old CV as well!

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Jan-17 11:11:45

You could also look at Voluntary Service Overseas ICS (youth) scheme.

I wouldn't discuss your suspicions about her friend's motivation with her - it's unlikely to help and may not even be true. It's crap that her friend is so flakey though.

Stopyourhavering Thu 05-Jan-17 11:12:10

Have a look at these websites re summer camps which may be suitable for your dd
There are also camps to Vietnam
My dd (20) is going to Cambodia in July as none of her friends want to travel.....she could also think about getting a student rail card and go inter-railing round Europe but maybe harder if you don't have a group of friends

YelloDraw Thu 05-Jan-17 11:12:44

Why doesn;t she just sign up to a group gap year thing?

Google "gap year trips" and see what she can sign up to. Diving in Fiji. Rainforest in Borneo. Whatever.

MimiSunshine Thu 05-Jan-17 11:13:01

You said yourself that you think she has a wild child rep. If you suspect it, it's probably how others see it too.

And no matter how minor the reason for going to hospital (although I wouldn't take some just for being sick after drinking so suspect you thought it was worse than that at the time) all anyone else hears is that they went to hospital which never sounds good.

To be quite blunt it comes across as you feel you are what MN would call a 'cool mum' (similar to 'cool wife') because your daughter tells you she's out partying/ drinking and that the other parents are just idiots who are lied to by their kids.

Your daughter has been told the reason she's not welcome on the trip so she just has to accept it. It shouldn't put her off going or studying, her education or happiness shouldn't hang on the actions of others but I would as I said take the chance to discuss how she's perceived next time she tells you she's going out drinking

hoddtastic Thu 05-Jan-17 11:14:09

i think you may have under-estimated the impact of your DD's behaviour/personality/dramatics on her mates. If they don't want to deal with her/it then you can't make them.

I feel sorry for your daughter but if it's any consolation, the 3 of them going are likely to have fallen out by day 3 anyway if they're already starting like this. Second suggestion of some vol work or scheme, would look better on cv than 'got lashed in Koh Samui for a month' although she may have left it late now?

crocodarl Thu 05-Jan-17 11:14:38

She should do this. I used to work for them, it's a decent company. She can go by herself, wherever she wants, and have a safety net but she'll make lots of new (and much more interesting) friends from all over the world.

WriterNeedsHelp2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 11:15:31

My daughter worked for EuroCamp one summer and had a great time. Would she like to do something like that? She met loads of people from all over the place and spent all summer outdoors.

ginorwine Thu 05-Jan-17 11:16:32

That's what I was hoping to find ! Thanks so much .

SolomanDaisy Thu 05-Jan-17 11:18:10

Does she want to travel for the summer or have a gap year?

Hellochicken Thu 05-Jan-17 11:21:16

Was it travelling like all summer in youth hostels or a holiday type?

What about working abroad? As an au-pair? Camp America (other camps are available!) or volunteering on tall ships (I believe is expensive). Do you have relatives abroad she could stay with and then take trips but also be based somewhere?

The first think bf said doesnt sound likely. However the second turning her down, could well be true that they dont want to change group dynamic. If your DD and bf the group could be split on these lines.

SallyInSweden Thu 05-Jan-17 11:21:28

My advice is put the travel on hold for a year. Put the head down and then get a summer job to save up for 2018.

Having some experience of paid employment will be great for her.
I would also say that her friend is obviously spineless, and for that reason should be ditched as an unwanted travelling companion.

I would imagine the drinking is a black mark against her, and depending on how long ago the hospital visit was, I would be taking "she learned from it" with a pinch of salt.

ginorwine Thu 05-Jan-17 11:30:56

She works already as well as a levels
Has done for a year
She just wants to travel before uni

I do think she learnt from drinking binge
She has not done it since so why take as pinch salt ?

ginorwine Thu 05-Jan-17 11:32:09

I just noticed what you said about friend being spineless Sally
That made me feel better as may explain stuff

ladyratterley Thu 05-Jan-17 11:39:45

A younger friend of mine has been travelling with Contiki to Thailand and she would absolutely recommend it. She had a brilliant time and met loads of nice, fun people on the trip.
It looks like my idea of hell! grin But it seems a fun way of safely travelling with a likeminded group of young people.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Thu 05-Jan-17 11:40:25

What makes you say she's vulnerable?


waterrat Thu 05-Jan-17 11:43:12

only on mumsnet is such a hoo ha made about a teenager getting drunk/ being sick/ behaving like an idot. My teenage years and those of my friends were full of mistakes/ dangerous behaviour at times but we were normal people _ I'm 38 now and a very normal adult! So ludicrous to make such a big deal of normal teenage behaviour.

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