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Aibu to not want to go on holiday with my husbands whole family?

(64 Posts)
SpeckyBecky8 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:28:10

Sorry if this turns into a long post / rant. My dh mum has booked a villa in Portugal so we can all go on holiday together. She is paying for the villa plus everyone's flights, which I do appreciate as being extremely generous, the most generous thing anyone has ever done for us. However...
The family are not even really friends. He has 2 brothers and their partners (1 sil and 1 soon to be sil). Plus his father, our 2 kids and one other boy.
His father drives everyone crazy and can be hard to stick, though a decent enough sort. They were on holiday last July and said they saw all these other families with their children and grandparents and thought it looked so lovely that we all should do it. It is a romanticised view of something I feel would be a total disaster!

My sil has never really liked me. I have no idea why and have asked other members if they know but no-one does. Dh and me have been together 10 yrs, married 5. Before we got married she was just awkward to speak to, me making all the conversation, her never asking anything about me or my fanily/life. This was annoying but bearable for family gatherings. But since we've been married it has taken a nasty turn with her constantly giving me dirty looks and a cold shoulder. When my son was born almost 5 years ago, we lived away and brought him home at 6 weeks. She came in to the inlaws house, walked past us without saying a word, went into the kitchen and got herself a drink. It was so nasty! But I was sleep deprived and in newborn shock so didn't take her on. My mil practically forced her to hold ds even though I was livid about it. At the time excuses were made such as she was jealous (she had lost a baby at 20 weeks pg 2 years before) but she has sisters and friends with children and she's nice to them. We moved home soon after and it was much of the same, cold shoulder and general rotten ess. When I was about 7 months pg with my dd 2 years ago I ran into her up the town. She tried to cross the road to avoid me but couldn't and walked right past me. I literally had no idea why! I rang dh crying (hormones!) And he rang his mum and his younger brother to ask what I'm supposed to have done but all they could say was it was obvious she hated me, she made it clear in front of everyone, but no one knows why.
After my dd was born she was in intensive care a while and the sil sent me some really nice messages. I couldn't believe it. But I was in my own personal hell and had no energy to be on my high horse so I replied to her in a nice way and when dd came out they came to visit and brought a present. Since then however she blows hot and cold and I've just had enough! I'm not a confrontational person, I like a quiet life, but I don't want to be treated like crap either so I'd rather just stay away from her.
We had to spend boxing day with the whole family and she made such a huge difference in the way she speaks to and interacts with everyone, especially the soon to be sil. We do secret Santa and her and her husband got me and the other sil. It was obvious she bought both gifts, they were the same type of gift but very very different. Bottle of wine, hers nice mine cheap, jewellery, hers nice bracelet mine cheap earrings (I don't have my ears pierced) and a candle, hers champagne and pomegranate mine a cinnamon one I saw in the pound shop. There was simply no need for it!
Anyway me and dh had a blazing row when we got home and I said I couldn't stay under the same roof as her for a whole week, that I'd been putting up with this for years, that no one, not even him, stood up for me or said anything to her. But he now thinks I'm very selfish because we can't afford to go on holiday ourselves and ds has been talking about it so much.

Aibu to not want to go? I was thinking of saying I will stay at home with dd (she's 20 months and the thought of a 3 hr plane journey with her fills me with dread anyway) and dh could take ds so as not to spoil his fun? It would break my heart being away from ds for so long and I realise I'm making the gap in the family wider but honestly, all they do is bitch and moan about everyone else I can't believe mil ever thought it would be a good idea!!

Sorry again for the long post, dh won't listen to me sad

Ilovecaindingle Wed 04-Jan-17 18:33:17

You dh is out of line expecting you to go. Just tell ds you are doing something else this year. Doesn't have to be fantasticly expensive - maybe fab day out?
Holidays are meant to be fun not an endurance test.
If your marriage is wobbling after this row it would be a crumbled heap after the holiday!
Your dh made vows to you not her remind him!!

pinkyredrose Wed 04-Jan-17 18:35:26

Do not even consider this holiday! It will be hell!

jansus23 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:36:21

What do you know about where the villa is based? Is it close to facilities ? Beach ? Shops? We do a family villa holiday each year but we have ground rules before we go . Such as everyone buys their own food or goes out whenever they want to as individuals and then in the evening we naturally seem to socialise? To try and get everyone to agree on where to go everyday would be a nightmare. if it's a large villa and you can afford to go out to eat etc then perhaps you should give it a go.?

Sahhhhh Wed 04-Jan-17 18:36:27

Does your husband accept that she treats you badly?

To be honest if he is aware and doesn't stand up for you, it makes him a hundred times worse than SIL

Underthemoonlight Wed 04-Jan-17 18:36:55

Sounds like she hasn't gotten over you loss and seeing your DC remain new her what she could have had although her behaviour isn't appropriate

Astro55 Wed 04-Jan-17 18:40:57

Sounds hellish

You don't want to go - so don't - don't go and let DH decide if he wants to go

My DH went with his family and didn't even bother taking the kids - not much of a holiday of you have to run round after the kids!! So he didn't take them!!! He hasn't been since

NapQueen Wed 04-Jan-17 18:42:40

Urgh I'd let dh take the kids and enjoy yourself some peace and quiet.

PizzaPlease Wed 04-Jan-17 18:46:39

Her behaviour is definitely out of order. But it seems to me that your mil is extending you a very generous invitation here, and really making an effort to bring everyone together but you've already written it off. I feel like not going would be playing right into SIL's hands. Personally I would be very grateful, go on the holiday, make the most of it for your husband and children. I think you'll find that people won't spend as much time together as you think. Are you willing to let this pettiness get in the way of something that nice for your family? And I mean maybe you just need to ask SIL outright, see what she says. It could be something was said in the early days of you two meeting that she never got over. You're always going to notice the little things she does, even if they're not intended as rude, and it'll keep fuelling the fire. Next time you see her ask her. Tell her you would like the clear the air before the holiday and take the upper Road. If you don't do it for you then do it for your husband because I imagine being caught in the middle like this is stressful for him too.

rollonthesummer Wed 04-Jan-17 18:47:45

Someone in the family knows why she hates you-I'd make DH find out.

Does he not understand how her attitude makes you feel?? I would be feeling very hurt he wasn't backing me up.

Mistressiggi Wed 04-Jan-17 18:49:43

While I feel a bit sick at the thought of a woman who had experienced a second trimester loss being "forced" to hold someone's newborn baby, the other behaviour has no justification. Not sure why rest of family (the brother, the mother, the father) between them all have no idea what the problem is. Why can't they find out? I would be tempted to have a last ditch honest conversion with her - telling her you are turning down the holiday based on the friction between you.

wobblywonderwoman Wed 04-Jan-17 18:50:06

I wouldn't go, but I would have to tell mil why. I have issues with my sil mocking etc and I haven't caused a fuss but I have discreetly confided in mil as to why I go to the bare minimum of family occasions.

Oriunda Wed 04-Jan-17 18:55:21

Losing a baby at 20 weeks must have been absolutely hellish for her - then having to handle your 2 pregnancies afterwards. Plus being forced to hold your baby having lost her own. For whatever reason - justified or not justified - she views you/your children as reminding her of her misery and she's choosing not to engage.

CoraPirbright Wed 04-Jan-17 18:58:21

My SIL isn't keen on me - not as frosty as yours but its fairly clear. However, I consider it to be entirely her problem. I am a decent enough person - you know, pleasant to talk to, can occasionally be amusing, try to be a good listener, have plenty of friends etc get on like a house on fire with other family members so really I think its her problem. Can you just be breezy and ignore the silly bitch?

Failing that, say that, unless you are able to get to the bottom of the issue then you cant go. Seems fair enough to me. That way you could kill two birds with one stone - get the cow to wind her neck in and go on holiday!

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Jan-17 19:00:30

Couldn't you go and just avoid her. Sounds like there will be lots of other people to speak to, and you could also sometimes do days/half days out with your dh and the kids. Or, if that just wouldn't be possible, let your dh go with the kids.

AMillionMilesFromThere Wed 04-Jan-17 19:02:58

Oh my goodness op, I could have written your post about your sil nasty behaviour and attitude towards you - I've narrowly missed going on a humongous family wedding trip in march, actually I was stupid enough to agree and book my ticket but have cancelled it ! Dh is still going with his family and that's fine, it's his brother's wedding so fair enough. If anything, I would be ok with dh going but I wouldn't even let my ds go if I were you! Why should you !

TheCatsMother99 Wed 04-Jan-17 19:05:44

I think at this point I'd have to ask SIL what the problem is, and that's coming from someone who hates confrontation.

I'd txt her & say something along the lines of being aware there is an issue, you're not sure why, you don't have hard feelings towards her (other than that she's treating you badly of course) and you don't want to ruin the holiday for anyone if there's tension between the two of you so you'd like to know what you've done to try to make it better if you can. She needs to be directly asked about it and I can't believe no one has yet.

Your DH needs to grow some balls & start supporting you as well. It's ridiculous that he's allowing her to treat you like this.

I get that the holiday won't be great but I do feel that the SIL issue is the main one and it'd be bearable if that can have some kind of resolution.

Spam88 Wed 04-Jan-17 19:10:40

Ooooh my family did a big family holiday (in a villa in Portugal) and half of them didn't speak to each other for about a year. I still don't see one of the families.

SpeckyBecky8 Wed 04-Jan-17 19:14:51

Thanks for the replies.
Honestly I realise the baby thing was very unpleasant and that that would feel terrible for her. But she has nieces and nephews her side and she dotes on them. If that had been a one off I would have understood but it wasn't.

I have considered all angles, going on holiday and ignoring her (bit hard with only 8 adults and 3 kids in a 5 bedroom villa), not going on holiday, confronting her, etc etc but every scenario makes me the bloody bad guy.

My husband is caring enough and he was angry at her for her behaviour while I was pregnant but his mum and dad are such moaners that he tiptoes round them so as to not give them anything to talk about. He doesn't like confrontation either so tends to sweep things under the carpet. It's not that he doesn't care about me, just that he's a bit of a coward I suppose, doesn't want to upset the apple cart. If I confront, if I don't go, if I try to compromise it all ends with me being bad for bringing it out in the open. My husband already worries about the lack of friendship between him and his brothers, I don't want to make things worse.

There are other reasons I don't want to go: dd on a 3 hour flight really would be a nightmare. South Portugal in July is too hot for kids. The pool has no child safety so I'd constantly worry about someone leaving a door open and dd wandering out. Or maybe I'm making excuses there.

I haven't slept great since boxing day thinking about it all!

Katisha Wed 04-Jan-17 19:14:53

You've got to talk to her. Seriously. Don't ask around. Ask her directly. Then make your decision

SpeckyBecky8 Wed 04-Jan-17 19:16:21

Napqueen that sounds bliss for about 2 days then I'd start missing them like crazy!

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Jan-17 19:21:45

Actually, there is no way on earth I'd stay in a villa with a 20 month old, lots of other people and no way of securing the pool area. That's an accident waiting to happen.

Mulberry72 Wed 04-Jan-17 19:34:45

My family (DBro, DSis's, DF and all the DC's) all go on holiday together, they keep trying to persuade us to go with them. I love them all dearly but I'd rather eat the contents of the cats litter tray than spend 2 weeks with them. We're all very different personalities and it would be a recipe for disaster. Go with your gut feeling OP and don't be afraid to say no!

gottachangethename1 Wed 04-Jan-17 19:44:31

I'd go. Why should some selfish stroppy idiot ruin your chance of a paid holiday. I had this behaviour for years with my own sil. The minute I stopped trying to make an effort with her and just joined in with everyone else, she backed down. We will never be best friends, but life is too short to worry about why someone chooses not to like me. Her loss! Enjoy your holiday

taketwofortheteam Wed 04-Jan-17 19:48:22

I think she must've been devastated at losing her baby and has found it hard to come to terms with your pregnancies and DC.

I suspect she might be having second thoughts about the holiday too.

Could you have an open and honest discussion with her to try and sort things out?
If you both go with lots of resentment, coupled with the in laws it will be hell.

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