AIBU to have Christmas my way?(88 Posts)
So up until a few days ago we were having a small low key Christmas with my partner, Granddad, dad & a friend from work - The Christmas plan was to drink lots of wine, Eat a good meal, Snack on good cheese and basically relax. Unfortunately (understatement of the year) my Granddad died a few days ago so in all honesty we're not feeling very festive at the moment. But we still planned to have the Christmas we planned and honor the promises we made to Granddad (making a home made rice pudding using his mums recipe etc)
This is now not the case...
My partners family have invited themselves for Christmas after their plans fell through (they were meant to be going to my partners sisters for Christmas but she split up with her partner a few days ago. I have absolutely no problem with them joining us, but they are absolutely oblivious to pretty much everything. For example we told them several times that we had my dad & a friend coming over for Christmas - they assumed that when they announced they were coming that they would be here on their own - why? I have no idea...
So now we are beginning to hit problems... partners Mum has had a tantrum because I said we won't be playing Facebook games on Christmas day - in her words: "sorry but no one gets to tell me what to do". She then states that she will set up her laptop in the small bedroom and play up there... When I explained that the room was already spoken for
by someone who told us their plans 4 months ago she got shitty wanting to know where she would be sleeping... I explained she would be on the (pretty decent and comfortable) sofa bed downstairs and she's not happy.
I'm obviously pretty emotional and upset about my Granddads passing right now and am honestly finding it quite hard to cope with everything including Christmas... I've tried to use Christmas as a distraction so since they confirmed the days they are coming I've altered my food orders with the butchers & vegetable van and have also bought more plates (I only have 6 matching and I like my tableware to match especially at Christmas) I've had to buy more Crackers, a meat alternative as his sister is an almost vegetarian, and generally just adjust my plans for a child being in the house too (along with the 7 dogs - one of which they are bringing), We have also changed our rather rude games (cards against humanity & exploding kittens for 2) to child friendly ones.
But they have said they won't play board games, they don't want starters, etc... If you are invited to someones home for Christmas surely you don't dictate what is or isn't happening? Is it unreasonable to have the Christmas I planned? I'm all for adapting to other people but I'm getting really upset at having to change my plans when they have invited themselves and won't compromise on things we had already planned... and getting shitty about little things like not having a laptop on the dining table when we are all conversing and trying to enjoy each others company....
Think this has just turned into a bit of a rant to be honest.... but usually I would talk to my granddad about this kind of thing and he's not around anymore and I know my partner is as frustrated as I am... I know its stupid but I don't want to uninvite them (partner has offered). They are all living under the same roof at the moment without a dining table or much space... I'd like them to share a lovely Christmas with us - especially our nephew who I would LOVE to spend Christmas with.
so sorry about your grandad. He obviously meant a lot to you.
YANBU Your partners mum sounds like a pain. I would be tempted to let your partner uninvite them.
It would be a pretty honest excuse "cherry is really struggling with Xmas since her grandad died. We think it's best we just have a small low key Xmas"
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - and they sound pretty insensitive and very demanding and rude.
Do you really want to go ahead with this? I get the impression that you would far rather have the quiet Christmas, not the one that has been foisted on you.
Could you put your partner's family in a local Travelodge so that you don't have to worry about accommodating them? Or could,you say tomyour partner that you are really sorry, but you don't want a big Christmas this year, and you don't feel,up to hosting his family?
I am so sorry - I forgot to say I am sorry for the loss of your grandad - it is especially painful,when it happens this close to Christmas, as I know myself.
Sorry about your grandad please uninvite them, they sound like ungrateful, entitled nightmares-well, the mum does anyway. Get your partner to say what the above pp said and let them sort themselves for Christmas. Perhaps you could have your nephew over another day during the season and make it special for him. Sounds like you need a relaxed and peaceful Christmas with people who understand how much your grandad meant to you.
You have plenty of time in future years for Christmas with the ILs. Don't feel guilty - you mustn't be put upon. This sounds too much just now. Shame on them for taking advantage.
What does your partner think of their shocking rudeness? Rude to invite themselves in the first place and rude to expect you to change plans. Also very fucking rude to intrude on your grief.
And YABU if you are expecting to be able to have Christmas your way faced with everything you describe. Sorry for your loss Cherry
You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Do you think your grandad would want you to stick to the original plans, or would he want you to get through the day in a way that will cause as little upset to you as possible?
Uninvite everyone, you arent up to it.
I'm sorry for your loss, and you are right that your inlaws should go along with your plans happily. Seeing as they won't you would be perfectly within your rights to revert to the small gathering you were planning before they invited themselves but, if you are going to go ahead with hosting them I wonder if it wouldn't be easier for you to compromise on some more things? You shouldn't have to of course, but for the sake of peace could you just let them get on with whatever laptop activities they want to do? I wouldn't do anything different about the sleeping arrangements as they're fair and you can't do anything else without putting other people out.
It might even make your day better if you can direct them to entertain themselves with their own technology?
I should probably explain that I think they believe they were invited... and in a way they were... but they turned down the offer.
When the sister broke up with her partner I in passing asked partners mum if that meant they would be coming to us for Christmas - the answer was an immediate "no". She went on to explain that they will have their Christmas dinner on their laps if they have too - and that was that as far as I was concerned. They have since approached my partner and said yes they will come to our house for Christmas, when my other half said something they told him I had invited them. This was literally the day Granddad died (but before we knew it had happened - but they knew he was dying and going to die within the next 48 hours.
Tell them there was crossed wires because of the stressed situation and that you have planned for them not to be coming so will have no room. They still have time to sort themselves out. Why can't the ils go to the sister's or her go to theirs?
What does your dp think?
The sister has moved both her and her son in with her parents when she split up with her partner - hence why their Christmas plans were cancelled. (sorry just realized I didn't explain this very well - if at all)
Why can't they just have Christmas at theirs then?
Seriously, they don't give a shit about your recent bereavement so tell them to sod off.
My thinking has been that if I'm busy on Christmas day I won't have too much time to dwell on granddads passing - that he wouldn't want. and to be honest the idea of having a kid in the house for Christmas sounds lovely, especially as its our nephew who I adore. I am of the opinion that Christmas should be made special for kids (and not just by presents) they are a time to show them that family are around them, eat good food and be able to talk without technology being in the way... I freely admit, I spend to much time on Facebook games, social media in general and Pinterest (hence my obsession with the table wear matching).
I think to be honest we might have to have a conversation when we see them just before Granddads funeral on the 22nd (they are hopefully looking after our dogs during) Maybe I should word it better and explain that I don't give a rats arse what they do after the little one has gone to bed, or even when we aren't at the dining table - but when we are at the dining table - no phones (except for picture taking and phonecalls) and no laptops... As a couple we almost always eat at the table without phones, were as his family usually eat on their laps with televisions, phones and laptops so I guess we are very different in that regard.... but its Christmas surely we can think of something to talk about!?!?!?
wow, they sound like a bunch of inconsiderate ingrates. I'm so sorry about your Granddad. It was so hard for our family the year my granny passed away just before Christmas. The last thing you need is this gaggle of selfish people.
This is where your partner needs to step up to the plate. He needs to firmly TELL them you're feeling fragile and that they've been riding rough shod over your Chrismas plans. They're welcome to come and participate, but they don't get to dictate everything.
FFS what happened to the season of good will and cheer? I hope you have a lovely Christmas, Cherrycoke. Lots of love.
You sound lovely, OP. Sorry to hear about DGD.
I would get your DH on side, so that when your MIL gets her laptop out, he can be the one to say 'No, mum, you can hide in your laptop later, we're going to enjoy this lovely meal Cherry has prepared'.
As to them not wanting starters, just ignore them, don't pander to them.
It's almost like they're trying to sabotage the meal, so insensitive as you have just lost your DGD.
You are welcome to join us, but we will be doing Christmas this way. If you don't think you will enjoy it, let's get together another day when we can do something else.
Cherry, so sorry about your Granddad. Your original plans for Christmas day sound lovely, I'd be miffed too - not so much the pretty much inviting themselves part but trying to dictate what is going to happen. Instead of it being a nice day it's turning into a big work up and that sucks. No suggestions as to resolution apart from do what you had planned and drink lots of wine!
They sound like arses, and your DP needs to read them the riot act about how Christmas will be.
That said, it's a bit rough to tell adults they can' get on Facebook or whatever on Christmas. At the table, definitely not, but if she goes to get out her laptop, just say 'sorry, we said no devices at the table today, you'll need to go sit in the kitchen/lounge/whereever if you want to play that'. Play the games you were going to play, she doesn't have to participate.
Sorry to be ignorant, but there are games on Facebook?! I thought it was just used for showing pictures and writing to each other.
It sounds as if you both enjoy the same things though!
But to make things smooth and you know a child is coming and you want the child to enjoy the day why don't you divide the day into two?
So either do what you want to do in the first half and only invited the others for the second half. Or vice versa, whichever suits you best.
Can you just smile and then 'oh no, the t'internet is down' and just switch it off for the day?
But don't move on the spare bed situation, that was booked 4 months ago.
Tell your OH to spell it out for them either they come and do your Christmas or you do not come.
Otherwise switch internet off
Do not move your other guest!
OP, you need to let your DP uninvite them.
Yes, keeping busy might help you on Christmas Day, but only if you are surrounded by compassionate people who will give you time and space to grieve which these people will not do. Please, be kind to yourself and let your DP tell them there's been crossed wires and that because you have so recently been bereaved that you will be having a quiet one at home alone.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
For a grown up woman to have a hissy fit because they cant play their Facebook games is pathetic and embarrassing. Do not inconvenience your other guest for people like her.
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