to be upset with the lack of contact and then this?

(72 Posts)
DarkLightMamma Sun 06-Nov-16 07:50:37

So the father and I aren't together but last Sunday he came over to my parents for dinner (as I live alone I am staying with them on the run up to the due date in case of emergencies) and afterwards he and I sat down and I explained that I was unhappy because he said he wanted to actively be involved but for the previous 4-5 weeks he hadn't got in contact with me. I explained that it was frustrating because whenever he did get in contact with me, it was because I had initiated that contact, whether I sent him a message, a text or made a phone call. He said he understood, he'd been very busy with work but would do better. Problem solved.

On Tuesday our daughter was due and I had everyone asking me how I was, if there had been any signs, even the father's ex-wife messaged me and asked me if I was ok and gave me the usual wives tales to start labour, which I thought was really big of her...but radio silence from the father. Nothing from him either on Wednesday so my dad suggest I send a message to him letting him know there hadn't been any movement, which I did, and got him and my mum to check so that it didn't sound off or annoyed. I also let him know that I was booked in for a sweep on Sunday (today). His response was 'Cool, I was expecting a phone call. Hoping she comes soon!' I had been really upset that he hadn't rung on Tuesday but as my dad explained, he's a man and men don't think like women do, so I sucked it up.

Then on Friday I had some rather unusual movement which I thought meant she might turn up, so I messaged him to let him know, but that nothing was definite and to stand by. His response was good, no problem...then later that day I got a message saying if I couldn't get hold of him on his mobile to ring a landline number. Not a problem! I asked whose it was, thinking it might be his boss. He said; 'Someone I've started dating'. Now to be clear, I've said to him from day one, I don't care if you start dating someone, as long as it doesn't stop you from being a father, which he promised me it wouldn't. But to say he's started dating someone implies it's been at least a week or two, which means he could have mentioned it to me on Sunday, or considering I was 3 days overdue he could have said 'a friend'.

Now all that's going through my mind is, all those weeks without contact where he's been busy, maybe he was out on dates...in which case, fair enough he wouldn't want to make it awkward by getting in contact, although a message once a week wouldn't have killed him. But I think the biggest issue for my mind is that he didn't ring on his daughter's due date, nor the day after, nor has he sent me any messages on any day since asking if there's been any movements or changes. The only time he's messaged is to reply 'Ok, hope it goes well.' to me saying not to worry about coming to the sweep, we'd call him if it triggered labour.

I'm now 5 days overdue and that means I'm already overly weepy and tired and fed up, but I've cried because of him every single day this week. I know the majority of you will probably tell me I'm being unreasonable, and I fully expect I am, but I just need some sensible input. If you're going to tell me 'Poor baby being in the middle of that' please just pass on by, I can't cope with negative comments that aren't constructive!!

Ayeok Sun 06-Nov-16 07:56:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you're tired, overdue, probably uncomfortable and sore and he's being a twat. He's being very insensitive and selfish not to get in contact, or to be checking how you and the baby are doing and he should have told you he'd met someone although I think he should get his priorities straight first .
I don't have any advice, good luck with the birth and your beautiful little girl when she comes. Don't rely on him too much, he's already shown himself to be unreliable.
Do you have support for the labour/birth/first few weeks? You need to think about you and your daughter and if he's around he's around, if not, then that's his problem. You and your DD are what matters. flowers

DeathStare Sun 06-Nov-16 07:56:43

He's not going to be actively involved. Especially not when you make it so easy for him not to be.

Stop chasing him. Send him a one line text when the baby is born but absolutely nothing else either before or after unless he contacts you first and you are replying to him.

Either he will make the effort or he won't. And if he won't you and your DD are better off without him.

TheMasterMurderedMargarita Sun 06-Nov-16 07:57:25

I think you should concentrate on yourself and your baby and not worry about him.

Ayeok Sun 06-Nov-16 07:57:28

I don't think she's a poor baby in the middle of that btw, I think she has a mum who is having a tough time but loves her very much. My eldest DS has a twat for a dad and he's just fine smile

SharkBastard Sun 06-Nov-16 07:58:21

You're not being unreasonable at all!!!

What a self involved man he is, hope he bucks his ideas up before being put on your daughters birth certificate...seems he's pretty bloody useless thus far

DeathStare Sun 06-Nov-16 07:58:30

I should have said.... I don't think you are unreasonable. I think he's being a knob. But stop spoon feeding him daddyhood. If he wants it let him come to you.

NerrSnerr Sun 06-Nov-16 08:00:34

You're not being unreasonable at all. I would expect nothing from him. I'd also sort maintenance officially just in case disappears in the future. Good luck.

Trifleorbust Sun 06-Nov-16 08:03:17

Agree with pp. Clearly he is being a twat. It's natural for you to reach out for support, you're heavily pregnant, but he isn't the person to give it. I would distance myself from him. When the baby is born inform him, but that is it. He can make the effort to be a dad, or not. Your baby will be fine either way.

itlypocerka Sun 06-Nov-16 08:07:50

He's a twat but you need to stop running after him begging for attention like this. If he wants to be actively involved that's fine but it has to be initiated by him not you. If he's just started dating someone new that is his priority. Fine - his choice.

Your priority is your baby. Your baby is not going to benefit from a relationship with a father who needs to be chased and persuaded to be involved. So stop. When his man grows up a bit he may be more capable of acting reasonably but until then he is not your problem.

ollieplimsoles Sun 06-Nov-16 08:13:15

Op, wash your hands of him now.

Just focus on your baby and you, ignore him. You cant have inconsistency in your life with a baby and if he cant be bothered just let him get on with it.

DarkLightMamma Sun 06-Nov-16 08:13:43

Thanks all, to be honest, the only reason I keep messaging him at all is because he told me he wanted to be at the birth. I have him and my mum down as my birth partners but have already said to my mum that I don't think I could handle him being in the room when giving birth right now. I want to do everything right so that when my daughter is older she'll know that I've given him all the opportunities possible, which means that mum or I will call him (though not the landline number he provided!!) and let him know when I'm in labour, I'll let him know when I'm registering her so if he wants to be on the birth certificate he can be, but I think you're all right, I need to stop contacting him unless he contacts me outside of that. Thanks all xxx

DownTownAbbey Sun 06-Nov-16 08:17:34

Don't stress yourself out trying to include a selfish pig who is clearly wrapped up in the next chapter of his romantic career. You're giving him the chance to be involved but it's not your job to keep track of him. Concentrate on you and your gorgeous baby. He knows where you are if he's interested. Of course it's upsetting that he's so casual about this momentous, wonderful pregnancy but at least you can say you've tried with him. Good luck flowers

HeldTogetherByGafferTape Sun 06-Nov-16 08:22:38

Oh god. Don't have him at the birth! You don't need any anxiety brought into that room. You'll be at your most vulnerable and you need someone there who will look after you. And you want to remember the day for the right reasons and the happy memories.

Don't contact him again OP. In the weeks after the baby arrives you can assess what to do as you start feeling stronger. You're going to be a great mum whether this loser is on the scene or not.

Allthewaves Sun 06-Nov-16 08:22:52

I think I would embrace the distance. Just keep it to polite text and phonecalls involving the baby - stop chasing him. He has no interest in you, hopefully he will be better when the baby arrives.

It wouldn't hurt to have a clear plan of how you see his interaction with the baby - are expecting everyday/every night or weekends? No harm talking to him about what you would like him to do - don't hold your breath though

He's not going to support you, if he has an interest it's in the baby only but unlikely

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 06-Nov-16 08:23:39

Just wanted to check that the baby will have your surname right?mI think that you would really regret giving her his.

Imbroglio Sun 06-Nov-16 08:25:02

If you don't want him at the birth then he shouldn't be there. It's entirely your choice. He can always wait in the cafe if he wants to see/hold her soon after the birth.

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 06-Nov-16 08:28:28

Of course he wants to be at the birth. I couldn't tell you how many deadbeats see it as entertainment that makes them look good. Do not have him there if he won't be a help to you (despite what the idiot brigade says, childbirth is about you and your baby and nobody else...and unless you're very lucky, it will be undignified to say the least).

And make damn fucking sure he doesn't go to register the birth without you. You need full control on that. I wouldn't even tell him he's had a daughter until she's safely here and registered the way you want her to be.

WinterIsHereJon Sun 06-Nov-16 08:28:39

How old is he? From your OP I assumed you were both very young until I saw he'd been married.

I was in a very similar situation with my first. He couldn't give any assurances about the level of contact he would commit to (I wanted this agreed beforehand so we both knew where we stood). He was flaky leading up to the birth but adamant he'd be there. He couldn't be reached when I went into labour; my parents had to leave a voicemail when DS was born. I have never heard from him since, apart from an email a week later to say he wasn't ready to be a father. My DS is now 8. My biggest regret is the anxiety I felt about trying to accommodate his flakiness because, like you, I wanted my child to grow up knowing I'd tried. I wish I'd just left him to it and not wasted precious energy on it.

You can do this alone, if it comes to it, and will be an amazing mum. Let him make the effort, it really needs to come from him. You're about to find out what sort of man he really is.

BewtySkoolDropowt Sun 06-Nov-16 08:29:39

I disagree, sorry. I think yab a bit u.

He wants to be involved, but there is no baby yet to be involved with. I would not be continually texting to ask if anything had happened yet as it would get annoying. I would be waiting to hear.

Also I never tell anyone of in seeing someone in the initial stages. It's just not worth it. In fact my colleagues only found out about my other half when I was pregnant, many years ago.

I do agree though that you need to stop focusing on him, you are not together and thinking about what he is or is not doing is clearly having a negative impact on you. Let him know when things happen, unless you actually need something from him before then. Till then there's not really anything he can do.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 06-Nov-16 08:31:30

You sound exhausted and exasperated. Right now, you need to do what is best for you. I'm not surprised you don't want him around. He's acting just like a sperm donor. TBH if you don't want him there, I would text after the event when you've recovered a bit. I don't know if this is a first time birth and mine with dd was pretty tough going. My mother wanted to be there for example and was told NO in no uncertain terms and I'm so glad she wasn't there. You really don't need a negative influence anywhere near you when you are so vulnerable.

As for putting him on the birth certificate, you can cross that bridge when it comes and weigh up the pros and cons. I would say, however, whatever you decide, give your dd your surname. You won't be able to change it again without his consent so if you ever get married, you can always opt to keep your surname to be the same as hers.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 06-Nov-16 08:33:08

Good point Sheba. He may register the birth in your absence. He definitely sounds like enough of a wanker to pull this stunt.

Questioningeverything Sun 06-Nov-16 08:35:54

I actually reset my password and namechanged to comment here.
My eldest ds dad was the same. Except becoming really nasty during pregnancy and making threats of taking our ds and not returning him. I still was determined to do the 'right' thing and kept him involved and updated on pregnancy throughout.
Tbh, 3+ years down the line, my son can't and won't appreciate it. He sees the baby has his dad and thinks his own doesn't like him because he's got no memory of him (seen him 3 times)
Honestly... I agree with the poster who said let him come to you. Don't contact him. Let him make arrangements and show commitment. It was a really shit move for him to give you his gfs number, a real rub it in you face that he's moved on job. Don't let that form how you treat him though, cause he'll assume you're jealous.
I hope he's like my youngest sons dad, really committed, involved, helpful. I have two ends of the spectrum, one who's dad hasn't looked back and the other who's dad sees him regularly and takes it at the pace I'm comfortable with and is respectful.
Let us know when baby is born! Good luck and congratulations in advance

LittleLionMansMummy Sun 06-Nov-16 08:38:23

The only way a man can register a birth without the mother present is if they are married. Please don't frighten the op unnecessarily.

Rafeontherun Sun 06-Nov-16 08:39:23

Watch what people do not what they say.

He may have said he wants to be at the birth. What are his actions showing you?

Please stop messaging him. Ignore the "that's what men are like" rubbish. It really isn't what men are like at all.

This man isn't interested in you or the baby.

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