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Asked to be a Bridesmaid - oh and told to lose more weight????

(59 Posts)
Tunnel Wed 02-Nov-16 06:08:12

So good friend is getting married again and asked me to be a Bridesmaid. I was delighted at first until she said she was ordering my dress in a size 12 as that was what all the other Bridesmaid were and it would be a nice motivation to lose weight.... Now there is some context to this which I'm really trying to hold on to to give her the benefit of the doubt. I've lost almost 4 stone in the last 6 months. I've not made a big song and dance about it, or really talked much about it but I suppose it is very noticeable. I am now a decent size 14 - if I was buying a bridesmaid dress my guess would be I'd need a 16 (apparently you always aim to buy a bit bigger based on the material??). I'm really trying to see this as a very poor attempt to be supportive of this journey and assumes that I want to lose more weight. She has a habit of getting quite wrapped up in things and being a bit blinkered but isn't normally an unkind person. Truth is, I'm 5ft9 and really quite happy with how I am now. Or I was that is - suddenly and instantly I feel like the 'fat friend' again - that I'm not quite good enough yet... We were in a group when she said it and a few or the others raised there eyebrows but the conversation moved on and I just ignored it at the time. AIBU to go back to speak to her about this - actually I don't think I am - the better question is how to I approach it without feeling more upset/ humiliated?

DeathStare Wed 02-Nov-16 06:15:09

Well she was very rude, though you know her and you think she meant well then I believe you.

I'd just text her and say "I think there was some confusion about bridesmaid dress sizes the other day. I don't want to lose any more weight - I'm happy how I am. Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression about that. Please order me a size 16"

thisisafakename Wed 02-Nov-16 06:15:48

Well done on your weight loss so far. That's not easy at all to lose.
Secondly, I am sorry to say it but your friend is being a gigantic bitch and I can't see that there is any excuse for that behaviour. I think you should tell her to order you a size 16 because you are not a size 12. If she says anything about weight loss motivation, tell her to fuck off and then fuck off some more and find a new bridesmaid.
If you have to buy a dress a size larger, that surely means she wants you to get down to a 10. That's potentially a bit on the small size for someone your height. What a cow.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Wed 02-Nov-16 06:16:46

Congratulations firstly, that's a great achievement.
It depends how close you are and genuinely whether you think she meant it well, along with whether want to keep her as a friend.
If it was my bf I would talk to her honestly and say you are happy how you look and what she had said had upset you. Tell her you want the 16. If she says anything other than humble apologies and of course we'll get the 16.... then fuck her off and don't be her bridesmaid either!

NotYoda Wed 02-Nov-16 06:18:29

Oh that was a shit insensitive thing to say. It would have been different if you'd told her you had a particular goal, but you didn't.

Go back and say that you are happy with how you are now, aren't intending to lose anymore weight, so size 14 is fine.

If you are met with anything other/16 a simple "OK!", then I'd say that you felt hurt because it sounded as if she was criticising your weight

Trifleorbust Wed 02-Nov-16 06:18:37

Echo what DeathStare said. Just tell her to order the dress in your actual size. Any issues, tell her she's a bridesmaid down.

How rude of her.

smartiesaretheanswer Wed 02-Nov-16 06:18:38

Firstly congratulations on your weight loss! At 5' 9 you will look really slim at a size 14. Your friend has been unbelievably rude, how ridiculous she wants all her bridesmaids to be the same size, your sizes shouldn't matter in the slightest, just the fact you're her friends! Also speaking from experience these kinds of dresses do come up very small and the size you need is no way your actual size if you see what I mean e.g. I'm a size 14 but when they measured me my measurements meant the dress had to be ordered in a size 18. You could mention to your friend that you're worried about it not fitting, especially given how random the sizing is, and also you felt really upset by her comments. Good luck, she should feel ashamed of herself!

Kokosjumping Wed 02-Nov-16 06:18:47

Your friend sounds like an arse, sorry. I'd be refusing!!!

NotYoda Wed 02-Nov-16 06:19:49

sorry, my typing went wrong

If you are met with anything other than a simple "OK!", then tell her how her comment came across

AdelindSchade Wed 02-Nov-16 06:22:30

Oh dear, that's not nice. I think ou just have a discussion with her about it. You are not the one who should be feeling embarrassed by this! You say she is not normally cruel then hopefully she should recognise she is out of order.

'I am so happy to be your bridesmaid but I hope you were joking about the dress size because I am going to need a dress that fits me'

You have done so well. Congratulations.

SprogletsMum Wed 02-Nov-16 06:23:06

Your friend is being a bitch and probably unrealistic. I'm 5ft 10 and when I lost loads of weight I looked unhealthy at a size 10/12, a 12/14 and I look good.
Tell her you won't be getting into that dress!

SailingThroughTime Wed 02-Nov-16 06:23:38

Just text her and say you're happy as you are and will need a size 16 dress.
For your own peace of mind go with the cack handed attempt to be supportive for the moment unless she responds with something twatty.
If she's not happy to order a size 16 tell her she'll need to find a different bridesmaid.
This is her shit not yours so don't let it get to you.
Well done with the weight loss.

Tunnel Wed 02-Nov-16 06:24:53

Thanks - I do think/ hope it wasn't meant in a nasty way. She can get really caught up in things and just sort of bulldozers through conversations not really thinking. I suppose I do feel happy now and thought I looked ok. I'm tall and broad and think size 14 suits me. I feel she was unconsciously saying I'm still to fat and need to lose weight. I run half marathons, I eat healthily, etc but it has just hit at my confidence again. And I agree size shouldn't matter - I did this for my health not to fit in with someone elses wedding plans or photos! She is a good friend and I really am happy for her in her engagement etc - I just hope it is being caught up in all of that that has made her a bit insensitive.

BakeOffBiscuits Wed 02-Nov-16 06:25:42

You say she's not usually an unkind person so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Tell her very simply that you are very happy with your size and won't be losing anymore weight, so a size 16 needs to be ordered.

Hopefully she'll realise what a teit she's been and apologise profusely.

HedgehogHedgehog Wed 02-Nov-16 06:26:03

Congrats on your weight loss!!
What is she like generally? I think only you can tell weather this is a malicious sign of disrespect or if she genuinely thinks its what youd want and is trying in some misguided way to be supportive.
Is this the only thing that shes done like this to you?
If it is and you generally think she is a friend then id just have a word with her and tell her that youd prefer it if so much pressure wasnt placed on you as you dont find it helpful, and youd prefer to be comfortable so you can enjoy her big day with her rather than being unable to breathe all day.

How she reacts to that will tell you if shes actually your friend and worth your time or not. If she is she'll apologise and buy the dress in the size you want! xx
(btw i personally think that at your height a size 16 is a very good size to be, one of my bridesmaids was a size 16 and as she was 6ft she looked exactly the same as the other bridesmaid who was a size 10, just taller)

BigGreenOlives Wed 02-Nov-16 06:26:16

You can take a dress that's too big in but you can't make a small dress bigger...

NotYoda Wed 02-Nov-16 06:27:18

Maybe - you know here best

Try not to let it dent your confidence - often people's comments about weight are all down to their own issues. You have done well, and are feeling great. Well done!

PoldarksBreeches Wed 02-Nov-16 06:31:31

Fucking hell
I'd respectfully decline that invitation. No way.

Charlie97 Wed 02-Nov-16 06:32:08

So she wants you to lose more weight for her wedding? To be a size 10 (based on saying you would need one size up in bridesmaid dress?), so that all the bridesmaids would by symmetrical on her wedding day?

I'm sorry she is bridezilla gone mad!!

How on earth can bridesmaids all the same size make the wedding day better?

Now, if she had said, you've lost tons of weight recently, are you likely to lose anymore as I'm ordering the dresses, that's fine. Also, supposing you don't lose that amount, what then?? Do you have to squeeze into a dress too small and feel uncomfortable!

TBH, your friend sounds like a nightmare, uniform bridesmaids.....yuck!

Well done on your weight loss OP, did you do it on your own or join a club? I'd be interested to know!

Wallywobbles Wed 02-Nov-16 06:32:44

Can she run a half Marathon? If not then you probably have s far better idea about what's healthy for you than she does. I'm afraid this would have me stepping away from the friendship.

Friends are meant to make you feel good about yourself. Otherwise they are NOT friends. This is what I tell my kids and I'm right on this one.

Tunnel Wed 02-Nov-16 06:35:36

Thanks Charlie - I did it on my own. Watched calories, cut out sugar and all processed food, cut down carbs and took up running.

willdonati Wed 02-Nov-16 06:44:23

communication is the best thing you can do. Have a talk with her about your current requirement and convey that you are quite satified with your present figure. On the other hand take it positively to be more fit if you are oveweight though you dont sound to be

didofido Wed 02-Nov-16 06:46:53

If the other bridesmaids are shorter than you does she want you to have a couple of inches lopped off your height? Just so that you'll all match...

Antifrank Wed 02-Nov-16 06:47:24

Ask her if she is ordering her wedding dress a couple of sizes smaller. Then comment that white/cream dresses so have the tendency to make one look larger. Then eat a cream bun.

user1471545174 Wed 02-Nov-16 06:50:42

I wouldn't accept.

I'd have to say to her that it would put me under too much pressure to slim in to a pre-agreed smaller size and that weight loss is so unpredictable it might not work out that way in time. And that you think if you don't match the others she might not like the photographs. Real guilt trip. Look very sad face while you're doing it.

She probably meant to be encouraging, but has gone the wrong way about it. I also think she has serious concerns about you not "matching", and that is why I'd refuse.

Congratulations on your weight loss smile and well done.

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