Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

DH refusing to come to a christening with me

61 replies

MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 22/10/2016 20:46

Is anyone else's partner difficult when it comes to attending social occasions with you? To be clear my DH is very very sociable when it's his friends and family. When it's mine it's a different story. He's generally fine with my family but not as forthcoming as I would like. We live in the same town as his family where he grew up. Mine live hundreds of miles away. When they visit he always says he will join us "if I'm not busy". I think that's just a way of not committing. He always comes along in the end but there's a battle beforehand where I try and get him to say that yes he will actually come.

The latest is my best friend had a baby not so long ago. She lives in the town where I'm from. He said " I suppose this means another christening then?" I said yes it does and he said " please don't make me go!" Reasons are petty IMO he didn't like the food at the last one etc. I've told him its half a day and he should come. I go to any event with him and they're not all five star glamour not that I give a fig! I've told him these people are my closest friends they mean a lot to me and I want him to come. He's saying "we can talk about it nearer the time." I feel like telling him to get stuffed and telling him he's not invited anymore but I don't think he would feel guilty he just wouldn't come.

And my friends all make an effort and are very welcoming and as I say he is the most sociable person I know.

AIBU to make him (not that I can but I could put pressure on) come to this event?

OP posts:

Report

MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 22/10/2016 20:47

I should say my parents probably visit once maybe twice a year and have always been so good to him and we visit them together probably twice a year (I go alone other times).

OP posts:

NavyandWhite · 22/10/2016 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 22/10/2016 20:49

Would you not have a better time without the miserable arse?

Make a weekend of it, catch up with old friends and enjoy yourself. Maybe make a regular thing of doing stuff like that too. He sounds selfish.

Whatsername17 · 22/10/2016 20:50

HIBU. Massively. Tell him you are a couple and these type of family events are the sort of thing that you need your partner to have your back on.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/10/2016 20:50

He should go to support you.

Everyone does stuff they don't want to, to support their other half. Don't they?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/10/2016 20:51

Hmm. Will he have an actual conversation with you about it?

Is it the journey? Is he shy around new people? Is he worried about expectations?

If he's just being a dick, I don't know if I'd want to be with him. If he wasn't already DH it would put me off - as he is, I'd just stop inviting him to anything. It's really quite self important to say "I'll see if I'm free"... he'll come if there's no better offer?

Bubblegum18 · 22/10/2016 20:51

I'm due to have my sons christening tomorrow and my close friends godmother I would love nothing more than if her DH didn't come he's an utter arsehole but unfortunately I have to suck it for my friendship. Is he well behaved at these social events? I ask as my friend has a chore getting her DH to come and as a result his behaviour is not the best. If that's the case I would just go solo.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/10/2016 20:52

I'd go on my own. Rather have a good time than have misery personified hanging around my neck.

pictish · 22/10/2016 20:52

Hmm...I think it's ok to duck out of a christening...particularly if you are not religious yourself. No idea if he is or isn't btw...but I've been invited to couple and didn't attend. I'm an atheist so feel it would be inappropriate. I bought gifts though and made enthusiastic noises after the event.

All you have to do is say he's busy. Go on your own.

Monkendrunky · 22/10/2016 20:52

I live with one of these. It's not fair, but you're unlikely to change him. Depends how much it winds you up I suppose! You can't make him go, but it speaks volumes that he doesn't care enough to support you on something that is not a big deal for him and means a lot to you

JockTamsonsBairns · 22/10/2016 20:53

Why would someone need 'support' to attend their friend's dc's christening though? Genuine question.

MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 22/10/2016 20:53

Bubblegum he's generally well behaved when he's there although he is very outspoken that's just the way he's always been. He has always been nice to my friends to their faces anyway.

OP posts:

Pickanameanyoldname · 22/10/2016 20:55

"He always comes in the end"

I think he enjoys it - you fretting, asking, cajoling, arguing, begging him to come along, keeping you hanging until the last minute until he decides he'll be gracing you with his presence.

Try just saying "no problem, I'll probably enjoy it more if you're not there anyway" and don't mention it again.

GirlOverboard · 22/10/2016 20:55

I don't blame him. A journey of hundreds of miles to attend his wife's best friend's baby's christening? I wouldn't do it. If they were a close friend or if they were nearer it would be a different story.

NavyandWhite · 22/10/2016 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GirlOverboard · 22/10/2016 20:56

That should read 'if they were close family'.

honeyroar · 22/10/2016 20:57

It's not really the point whether OP would have a better time without him or not, it's that he isn't supporting her or making any effort with her family, despite her having moved away from her family and family and being a part of his life and family.

My ex was a bit like that (probably not even as bad!). In the end we split up and I'm now with someone who supports me and is part of the team with me. I don't miss my ex and the guilt for asking him to fit into my world a bit.

He is taking you a little for granted and acting as though being part of your life/family is a nuisance. Try and tell him this calmly when you're not wound up, and get across to him that it's upsetting you and may even become a deal breaker one day.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/10/2016 20:57

Jock because it's nice to go as a couple when it's a social occasion and everyone will be there. That is, everyone unless they're an anti social arse like the ops oh. Genuine reply .

MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 22/10/2016 20:59

Navy

I always make an effort for him and as we live closer to (think virtually on top of) his friends and family I am always attending events with him which I'd rather not be at but he would like me to go to.

As my family and friends live so much further away these events are very rare and I'm not asking him to get on a train and go every month is more like 2-3 times a year. I don't think that's a particularly big ask? The christening will be a couple of hours and then it will be a nice meal somewhere and a walk in the countryside.

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 22/10/2016 20:59

I would accept that's the way it is. Inform him of any events and enjoy them whether he's there or not. And the same goes for you. Go along to the ones you will enjoy.

You can't change him but you can change how you feel about it and how you react. Shrug your shoulders, accept his answer and plan for it just being you. If he comes along, willingly, then it's a bonus!

BackforGood · 22/10/2016 21:00

I'd just go without him too.
I'd like it if my dh wanted to come to social occasions, but, for those he doesn't want to, I'd just as soon go on my own than try and make him come with me when he doesn't want to be there.

Nurszilla · 22/10/2016 21:00

I have terrible social anxiety and fret for the weeks leading up to and the weeks after an event. However I still force myself to go because if it's important to DH it's important to me.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Bountybarsyuk · 22/10/2016 21:00

I think pick has it! Just say you are going alone and don't mention it again, and go. I'm betting he'll want to in the end.

I would hate this though. I'm amazed on MN that couples don't attend weddings, funerals, christenings, significant birthdays together, in my social circle, people go as a couple to big events, less so for parties and divide and conquer at children's parties. I don't think it's too much to ask my husband to stand by my side at big events once or twice a year, I do for him, he does for me. What is on the buffet or whether we'll actually enjoy it doesn't come into it, that's what being a partner is in life to me, he comes when he knows it matters to me.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/10/2016 21:03

Yes I agree Bounty

Planty18 · 22/10/2016 21:04

Personally, I would stop having the battle. I think this is what he wants, since you say he comes in the end. I'd just tell him you are going to something, see whether he asks if he's invited. If he shows no interest then just go alone, tell him he's invited and if he wants to come he's welcome if he actually asks and leave it at that. When he expects you to be going to something with him then just say you're busy and do something for yourself. I would imagine doing this once would be enough to make him think about why you wanted his company.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.