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AIBU?

To think my partners dad visits too often?

65 replies

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 21:24

My fiancé and I have been together 6 and a half years, we recently bought our own house after renting a flat which had originally been just mine.

His dad lives nearby with his girlfriend whom none of us really get alon with. I do like his dad and for the most part we get along but I won't lie there are times where he irritates the hell out of me.

My fiancé and his dad are very close and since we got the house he has started coming round for a cup of tea most evenings, 4 or 5 times a week. At first it wasn't too bad but now it's wearing on me that after a full day of work a with an hours commute there and back I get home and there's the father in law. There are even times when he'll ring my fiancé who's out but due home and so he'll come round (unannounced to me) before and wait for him.

I've brought this up before that I'm finding it difficult how often he's here but a conversation about him coming round a bit less just ends in a screaming row and now threats to leave me if I won't accept this.

Am I being unreasonable to ask for less dad time?

OP posts:

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DeathStare · 04/10/2016 21:32

No YANBU.

But if you're telling him about something that makes you unhappy and that always ends with a screaming row and threats to leave you, then your DP really doesn't give a shit about whether or not you are being reasonable. Or whether or not you are happy. Or you generally.

Forget about his dad. Your DP is the problem. And if that's how he reacts when you want to talk about something that makes you unhappy, then I'd run for the hills.

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 21:43

Thanks, I've left him to stew in his own juices at the moment as usually a chance to reflect and calm down brings a bit of perspective.

I did point out that he clearly can't care too much about me if he can't understand that this bothers me and needs discussing.

OP posts:

Sparklesilverglitter · 04/10/2016 21:46

I see my parents 5 days a week, sometimes just for a cup of tea and biscuits at lunchtime but sometimes they stay for dinner. DH has never had a Problem with this, they are my parents and even if he said I had to see less it wouldn't be happening.

ThreeSheetsToTheWind · 04/10/2016 21:49

I have always told my daughter this: to concentrate on her job, her education and to provide a home for herself, no matter how small, how shabby, it should be hers! After that she can do as she pleases, as long as she maintains that home. At the end of the day, she will always have a place to go to that is 'hers'. I would hate to see her in a relationship that you have portrayed here.

I see that you do not think that this is acceptable. I hope that you can find a way to leave this relationship. Honestly, I do believe that there is better out there for you. This is not good. Get your own place, live a life that is fulfilling, you do not have to have a man in your life to be happy!

centreyourself · 04/10/2016 21:50

Oh my God OP. So you drive for an hour to work, do a full day's work, drive for an hour home again, and when you finally get home instead of relaxing you have to make polite conversation with your father in law?
Nobody, NObody, I can think of would be ok with this.

Pinkheart5915 · 04/10/2016 21:51

I don't know really.

I always saw my inlaws 2-3 times a week and since fil died earlier this year mil pops in most days. She doesn't stay long she has a coffee plays with DC for an hour or two and leaves. Sometimes DH picks her up on his way home and she has dinner with us.

She's no problem when she is here and I would never ask DH to see less of his elderly Mother, just in the same way I wouldn't expect him to tell me to see less of my parents.

Chocolateiloveyou28 · 04/10/2016 21:55

I see my dad 6 days a week Mum does two years ago and I think dad gets lonely so he pops in and sees me and DC. DH doesn't mind this and I wouldn't stop seeing dad 6 days a week even if he asked/told me too.

Maybe you and your dp could find a balance so he still sees his dad often but just not everyday or maybe your dp could pop in to his dad's place sometimes instead? I do think you have to be careful how you start the conversation as you don't want it to sound like his family isn't welcome

centreyourself · 04/10/2016 21:56

I don't thin sparkles contribution is helpful. What she is saying is, even if her husband felt uncomfortable seeing his PIL so often she would ignore his perfectly reasonable wishes.
I think your fiancé is demonstrating that he has a worryingly co-dependent relationship with his father. And that he can't see it, doesn't respect your wishes and can't discuss things calmly.
Not good.

sooperdooper · 04/10/2016 21:56

This would drive me mad personally, I need some quiet headspace when I get in from work

But your DPs reaction is worse imo, even if he doesn't agree you should be able to have a rational adult conversation about something that's bothering you without it turning into a screaming match!

I'd tell him fine, leave then & move on with your life without someone who doesn't give a crap about your feelings or opinions

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 22:01

I know it might sound harsh and it's not that I begrudge DP the relationship he has with his dad. More than I feel it's impacting on our relationship. We don't yet have children (only a kitten) and there seems to be no time for us in the equation. DP is out two or three nights a week, back after bedtime. Then the nights he is home now his dad is with us too, this is the biggest issue I have.

It didn't happen when we rented together which was most likely as the space still felt more mine where as this house in ours so I wasn't expecting this when we moved.

As such the sudden lack of time together is a problem for me. This is what I've tried to explain, I understand he's close to his dad and he makes time for him so he could make time for us too. He can't understand that time at home with me and his dad isn't the same for me as spending time alone together.

OP posts:

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 22:04

Also due to the dislike of his dad's partner nipping round there isn't an issue.

OP posts:

TrinityForce · 04/10/2016 22:07

put your foot down and tell him to leave if he won't cut the visits down then, call his bluff.

and then maybe rethink things...

IhatchedaSnorlax · 04/10/2016 22:15

Completely agree with Trinity. You need to sort this out now Op. Good luck.

BestZebbie · 04/10/2016 22:16

....he doesn't actually want to spend time with you as a couple. Sorry.

otherwise could you

Wendy him with his dad by becoming his Dad's best mate and conversation partner, always laughing over some funny anecdote about his toddler-hood (possibly with the odd jokey remark that you hope he still looks in as good condition as his dad does when he reaches that age).
Remind him that you can't have sex with his Dad there (or if you are worried that he might pop in unannounced), so he is potentially missing out on...well, basically anything not in bed after his dad goes home? You can't exactly meet him at the door in lingerie for a surprise if you might be opening it to his dad instead, can you?

sooperdooper · 04/10/2016 22:23

It sounds like he's trying to avoid you having any time together!

badg3r · 04/10/2016 22:31

Hmm I think the problem is bigger than his dad coming round often. You have different ideas about what is acceptable and are unable to reach a compromise because it always descends into a row. And he never makes time for you as a couple. Given you are engaged and just bought a house, this should be the easy part of the relationship where you enjoy being with each other before kids and the time and financial pressures they bring. What is the rest of the relationship like? Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

ConvincingLiar · 04/10/2016 22:52

This doesn't sound good. I am very close to my parents, although I see then frequently, I make sure DH isn't always there. He gets on well with them, but they're his in laws not his parents. He needs his own space.

It's a worry that your partner doesn't care about your feelings. It's a worry that he's either out or with his dad. You should be number 1 to you.

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 22:56

To clarify when he's out one night is a long standing arrangement and the other is band related which is a money earner so neither of those things are a problem for me.

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 04/10/2016 23:02

I would hate this. YANBU.

I'd be very worried about your partners attitude tbh. Basically he is saying it's "my way or the highway" and he is putting his dad before you.

Unless he agrees that you are his priority, I can't see this ending well unless you are willing to put up with FIL practically moving in.

ToadsforJustice · 04/10/2016 23:19

This will be your life if you stay in this relationship. You are not his priority.

AmeliaJack · 04/10/2016 23:26

I'd let him leave personally. I couldn't live like that.

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ollieplimsoles · 04/10/2016 23:36

Honestly op?

Id quietly pack a bag, take it to work one morning and then go straight to a parents/siblings/friends house after work (preferably a night when you know your fil will probably be there)

Dont tell your dp where you are or what you are doing, just see how long it takes him to realise you are not home.

If he does, just say you are having a night away from home and you need to talk to him when you get back.

He's not taking you seriously and he's putting you second to everyone else. He needs a jolt of urgency to realise how this is effecting you.

Allalonenow · 04/10/2016 23:56

What happens on nights when you and your DP go out together, presumably FIL stays at his own house? So why not have some nights out arranged for just the two of you, tell FIL you won't be available on two nights next week. Then you will get some time alone with DP.

Or invite your own friends over for wine and pizza, and make sure you take over the most comfortable room. When DP complains, then you can have your conversation starting on an equal footing.

At the moment what he wants is taking priority, and what you want is being dismissed, the shouting is just a way to bully you into silence and submission. That's not a good basis for a partnership, and it will get worse if you don't take a stand.

MadAsABagOfCats · 05/10/2016 01:06

You would need to sort out your problems if you plan on getting married and/or having children. You have different expectations of what is acceptable. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other and what comprises can be made

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