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To ask why you chose a particular parenting style and if it has worked for you?

(57 Posts)
malificent7 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:15:52

Especially the style you chose for a new born.

I chose attachment parenting for dd as my best friend did it for hers and lent me a cosleeping handbook. I liked the theory behind it and in any case it suited my circumstances as I was sharing a room with dd and was single. I did the whole cosleeping, bf on demand approach. I can't say I did much baby wearing though as I had an emergency cs and it was too painful to use a sling.
I found breast feeding really tough and boring and I sacrificed a lot to do it but I did it for 2 years as got used to it and wanted to forge a strong bond with dd.

Has it paid off? Hmmmm. The theory behind attachment parenting is that if your child forms a secure attachment with you then they will naturally gain confidence and independence early on. In fact dd is still very clingy, hates being baby sat, goes to sleep alone but still comes into my bed at 8 etc and is scared of the dark. I would go so far as to say that she has attachment issues.

This might be the result of me becoming quite shouty once dd became more defiant during the terrible twos. My mum was dying with cancer at the time and I had little head space to reinforce any sharing etiquette at play group (DD still hates to share.)
I am much more authoritarian now than I ever thought I would be as I have no time in my schedule to reason with dd over every single little detail. I'm much more 'because I said so' than I want to be and I have far less patient than I would like.

Basically I have lost my way as a parent and I have no idea if I was right doing the attachment parenting thing.

I am not a complete cow and I still give dd lots of love and hugs, I take her on lovely days out and let her play with her friends. I try to protect her. but at the same time I crave personal space and hate clinginess...agggrr!

malificent7 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:17:09

I'd like to add I was totally against letting my child cry it out, GF and routine but I'm wondering if that might have worked better for me after all!

malificent7 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:18:02

DD is 8 btw.

eurochick Sun 25-Sep-16 22:19:04

I'm making it up as I go along. My daughter seems to be doing ok.

allthatnonsense Sun 25-Sep-16 22:19:26

Different styles for different days I'm afraid.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 25-Sep-16 22:19:50

I didn't choose a style, didn't know they existed, I did what worked best for our family.

Yes, it worked, 2 wonderful children now.

I ebf, baby wore during the day, and cio to sleep. Not sure that combination would appear in any baby book!

ragz134 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:22:26

I didn't even know there were styles when i had my first (age 20). I just did what felt right at the time and made us happy. I co slept because I breast fed and I breast fed because it's free and you don't have to fuck about with bottles.
Now kids are older, I am quite strict with routines etc mainly because my mother was not!

Blue4ever Sun 25-Sep-16 22:23:08

It's hard isn't it? I am a childminder and with ten years of experience, I can honestly say that I have looked a after babies and toddlers from all different 'parenting methods' from Gina Ford to baby wearers and children's personalities shine through anyway. Some are shy, others outgoing. Others sleep through at 6 weeks, some take weeks to settle opin and others just walk in my house and never cry. It has very little to do with the 'method' and a lot more to do with general personality.

DerekSprechenZeDick Sun 25-Sep-16 22:26:08

I'm winging it

Mainly neglect but of thee acceptable kind of course.

No need for labels.

imwithspud Sun 25-Sep-16 22:27:37

I think 'signing yourself up' for a specific parenting style is a bit silly as in my experience dc often have their own ideas and whilst some aspects of a particular style might work for a child, other aspects might not - so it's best to pick and choose based on the individual. I have known a couple of parents who have been so adamant that their chosen style is the only way, whilst completely ignoring the fact that their chosen method just isn't working for that particular child.

It's best to just do what's best. I breastfed both of mine for 12 months, but I've never co slept, they were in their own room at 6 months old, I carried the youngest in the carrier only a handful of times and I use time out as a consequence for bad behaviour. So a bit of a mix bag, but it works for my dc. I couldn't imagine deciding I was an 'attachment parent' and then refusing to deviate for fear of doing it 'wrong'. Just do what works best for your child, they are individuals after all.

Only1scoop Sun 25-Sep-16 22:31:00

Op my 'style' was the complete opposite of what you describe and it certainly worked for us.
Only have the one dd though so was easy to implement routines etc.

twocultures Sun 25-Sep-16 22:31:49

Don't think we took in any parenting style but to help with bedtime/sleep we used the cry it out methods and it has worked for us. DS also has a set bedtime we try to stick to.
We encourage DS to be independent and do things on his own, we also encourage and reassure him if he's unsure or shy. So far he's a lovely cheerful, if slightly moody at times little boy so fingers crossed we're doing ok!

JellyBelli Sun 25-Sep-16 22:32:09

I guess I'd be written off by a lot of people as a liberal parent, but I'm actually not. I did what would now be called attachment parenting wghen they were babies.
I've never punished my lot. I dont do the 'hugely dissappointed in you' thing either at it seems massively creepy. But I do have firm boundaries, and our the only rule was 'Respect'. It covers everything. Have self respect, treat others with respect. Be assertive. I learned it from a headmaster years ago. It was the only school rule and this was an inner city school in London.

Our job as parents was to keep them safe, and to teach them how to live as adults. I talked rationally to them, explained things to them and let them make their own choices.
For example, they set their own bedtime. If they went to school tired after staying up late they learned consequenses and how to manage in a small, safe way.
We've managed some big, difficult issues. I think thats because they've been allowed to practise on smaller things. They seem tio like having some say and control, but knowing we are there to back them up.

Overall its been a positive experience and its worked. They are thoughtful and trustworthy and they've made good choiced with friends.

WhooooAmI24601 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:32:57

I read at least a dozen books on parenting when expecting DS1 11 years ago. Of them all, I found positives and negatives, but never found one which made me think "yisss, I've bloody got it" and haven't since. I realised soon after he appeared that I was just going to have to wing it. I now realise that most of us are perpetually winging it.

The happiest parents I know IRL are the ones who just work with the children they have. We have friends who've done Gina Ford and loved it, we've friends who've done the attachment parenting thing to the book, they've loved it too. It genuinely is just a case of your child has a pre-disposition towards certain qualities and traits and you work around those. DS1 is incredibly outgoing and confident in new situations (despite his ASD). DS2 is more reticent and needs more coaxing. DS1 sleeps like an angel. DS2 believes sleep is for the meek and mild. DS1's knowledge of science, nature, history and geography is incredible. DS2 cares only for football, rugby and sweets. My point is that picking a 'type' of parenting seems futile because no 'type' is guaranteed to result in any 'type' of child. We use some attachment parenting techniques because they work for us. We're also routine-based like Gina Ford (albeit not so strict as to leave weddings early to put them to bed because everyone needs to get spangled sometimes). You can pick the bits you like best, a bit like a carvery, and just go with what you want to do.

grounddown Sun 25-Sep-16 22:33:55

I'm Winging it too.
I've treated both my DC the same and they are as different as chalk and cheese. DC1 slept through at 12 weeks and never had a tantrum so I was totally smug and thought parenting was a piece of piss, then DC2 came along and that smugness got wiped away pretty quickly as he didn't sleep through until he was 2.5 and he's had 3 tantrums before we've even got downstairs in the morning.
Anything goes really, however I try not to shout just use my stern voice. DS shouts enough for all of us smile

SpeakNoWords Sun 25-Sep-16 22:34:24

Do many people choose a parenting style? Surely most people just do what feels right for them, rather than following a book that prescribes what to do? I read a variety of parenting books, websites etc and decided what I would do based on my own upbringing and my own feelings/instincts.

As it happens, I've co-slept, breastfed till self weaning, didn't bother much with a routine and used a sling. I don't like sticking a label on that, but others would probably characterize it as "attachment" parenting. I'm not authoritarian in terms of behaviour management either.

My DS (now 4) is not clingy, sleeps well and so on. But... I'm not sure that's much to do with my parenting "style". I think a lot of it is to do with each child's personality rather than anything else.

You sound like you're second guessing yourself and thinking too much about specifics. Show your love to your DD, be as patient and calm as you can, be interested in her and you can't go far wrong.

noblegiraffe Sun 25-Sep-16 22:34:59

Babies aren't sausages, you can't apply a particular style of parenting and expect a particular type of child to come out the end. Sometimes you just do the parenting that works for your child - I couldn't have considered co-sleeping when DS was born but by the time he was 1 it was the only thing that got us any sleep.

BestZebbie Sun 25-Sep-16 22:35:14

With arethereanyleftatall - I only realised that there were defined camps of parenting once I was actually parenting already and searching for answers to specific questions. We mostly did whatever seemed appropriate at the time, and suited the adults whilst keeping the baby happy.
I had vaguely thought before joining the parenting world that I would probably end up being on the "crunchy" end of the scale, in actual fact it turns out there are endless realms of crunchiness way off beyond where I am. :-) Also, a lot of the "parenting style" type things we had actually discussed in advance still haven't kicked in yet and might not for years to come (stuff like attitudes to pocket money/chores, degree of unsupervised freedom, etc - not relevant with a baby)

ollieplimsoles Sun 25-Sep-16 22:35:22

We just did what worked!

DD is in our bed still at 11 months (for a quiet life) breastfeeding worked out for us and was easy to do on demand so she has that. I didn't intend to feed for ages, I just counted myself lucky every day i was still feeding and it just went from there.

DD doesn't like the sling though, she's a pram baby, so she has her pram. Although we do have a sling and i used it in the beginning to give us options.

I prefer to let her lead really

WhateverWillBe Sun 25-Sep-16 22:37:01

I don't think many people in RL outside of MN actually choose a 'parenting style' and follow it.

Most of us are just pissing in the wind and hoping for the best IME.

Waffles80 Sun 25-Sep-16 22:37:22

The only people who choose a parenting style are those crunchy fools who've read three blogs on attachment parenting, decided that is their style, and spent the next five years ramming their own perfection down the throats of us lesser mortals.

SpeckledyBanana Sun 25-Sep-16 22:37:37

I'm making it up as I go along.

I BF past 1yo but didn't co-sleep, I did BLW but didn't babywear, and I used controlled crying to save my sanity with both DC after 1 yo, but not before. Now they're older it's mainly threats and bribes, on a bad day. On a good day we're on the same side.

Toddler Taming was the book I kept turning back to.

HamNJam Sun 25-Sep-16 22:37:50

Um, if we "chose" a style at all then I'd say we chose a very regimented, clock watching routine: Gina Ford smile It worked fantastically for us (with twins), probably because I found first time parenting really difficult - I had no idea what to expect. A fully laid out routine gave me and the babies structure and relief.

Our babies slept through from around 4 months, they were settled and very happy toddlers and children.... less so as they've got older and are now in their teens (but that's for a different thread)

I think it's really horses for courses, different methods will work for different people, and different strategies will work best at different ages.

Only1scoop Sun 25-Sep-16 22:39:41

Yes there was no 'style' to my 'style' I assure yougrin

FunnysInLaJardin Sun 25-Sep-16 22:40:07

I did what I felt I could cope with so BF for a bit with both, were in their own rooms from birth. Did cio wth both. Got them into a routine asap. Relaxed as they got older with computer time and telly. Expect them to have good manners, do their home work etc. Not on their case esp wrt achieving at school but know they are bright and can do well and tell them that. Dunno really just treat them as I would like to be treated. They are 6 & 10 and totally lovely grin

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