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How do I get over this jealousy?

(62 Posts)
allthecarbs Tue 13-Sep-16 19:02:49

It's really getting me down sad
I get so jealous and sometimes resentful of women that have a good relationship with their mum. I see them everywhere, they'll just be chatting over a coffee or their mum will be helping with the school run and I just wish it was me.
I want to go and sit in my mum's garden on a sunny day. I want to have a mum stroke my hair and fuss over me when I'm upset.

Sorry, I am feeling rather sorry for myself today and needed to get it out. Any tips on dealing with jealousy would be great but I have a feeling it will never truly go, it's so deep within my heart.

FitzChivarly Tue 13-Sep-16 19:06:30

flowers I don't have any tips but didn't want to read and run so have some flowers I'm sure someone will be on with some advice vise soon. I'm sorry you're feeling like this

Henrysmycat Tue 13-Sep-16 19:25:15

I'm so sorry OP. I'm the same as you. flowers I'm so sad that's not me sipping a coffee with my 'mum' at a cafe or going shopping or pouring her heart out over the phone. I used to be jealous, now I'm just sad.
Last week, I was in an M&S cafe and and this mum and daughter sat next to me with their cappuccinos discussing a family wedding and laughing and planning dinner, mundane stuff to some. I had to run, I was so overwhelmed with sadness and was crying. I keep on say to myself that my life is otherwise perfect so I should be happy. I feel your pain OP.

Msqueen33 Tue 13-Sep-16 19:26:58

Sometimes me and my mum look like this other times I want to throttle her as she hasn't a clue what looking after three kids is like let alone two with severe disabilities. She constantly says she's done doing and now wants to be done for. So don't think everyone else has it rosy as it might well look like 🍫🍷

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 Tue 13-Sep-16 19:27:22

I feel like this but my mum died 8 years ago , never got to meet my youngest children or see my older ones grow. I had to do everything on my own ( no other real family around) and find women who rely to much on their mothers for childcare / emotional support. Etc a bit weak. Deep down I think I would just give anything for my mum to be here.
Is your mum no longer in your life or is she emotionally unavailable to you?

M0nstersinthecl0set Tue 13-Sep-16 19:28:50

flowers sorry for you OP. I don't have that either and it can be hard at times.

DeadGood Tue 13-Sep-16 19:30:07

flowers OP, I could have written this. It's shit.

I'm sorry I don't have any coping mechanisms to offer. Just solidarity. xx

Henrysmycat Tue 13-Sep-16 19:30:50

I have no tips. I have a young girl and I'm trying as hard to be there for her. Maybe, if universe permits, I'll experience it from the other side, mother's instead of the child's. Not that it makes it any easier.
I'm trying to avoid situation that I find hard. I found friends, a lot older indeed, that are so short of surrogate mother/friend/advisor.

tibbawyrots Tue 13-Sep-16 19:36:15

It's not an easy situation to be in. I'm nc with my family and every so often I get wistful thinking about how it "should" be but when I really think about it I know that it never was and never could be like that.

Narcissistic mother and everyone else dances to her tune.

I stopped that when she tried to rip a ring off my finger and push me down the stairs then accuse me of hitting her... 🤔

happypoobum Tue 13-Sep-16 19:36:32

I agree with Henry my only strategy for dealing with this has been to develop close friendships with lovely women of the mothers generation.

This has really helped me.

Even when I was a little girl my mother never stroked my hair or looked at me kindly or fussed over me if I was upset. Me being upset would be the highlight of her day sad

There are plenty of us who understand flowers

seriouslyclueless Tue 13-Sep-16 19:41:54

Completely can relate to this.
My mum is an alcoholic and chooses drink every time.
I often see grandparents helping with the school run or hear friends talking about what their mum is doing to help and feel sad.
Although my sis in laws mum has died and she just wishes she had her mum.
My way of coping is it appreciate those that are there for me and make a promise that I will never (I really, really hope) make my girls feel the way my mum makes me feel.

allthecarbs Tue 13-Sep-16 20:01:57

It is quite comforting to know I'm not alone, thank you everyone.

Similar to you seriouslyclueless my mum was an alcoholic, I'm pretty certain she had some sort of personality disorder too. There would be times where she'd show me the loving mum side of her, I'd let my guard down, desperate to be loved but then she'd throw it all back in my face.
I've almost changed my memory of her though and think of her a lot more fondly than I ever did in real life. I think it cushions the blow a bit but probably isn't very healthy.

It's been nearly 2 years but I still can't look at a mother and daughter together without wanting to cry and stamp my feet. Sad, I know.

Thanks for letting me talk it out.

ssd Tue 13-Sep-16 20:07:04

I know how you feel op, but with me its because my mum has died and for years before that, I was like her mum, our roles were reversed.

I'm so incredibly jealous of girls my age who have a mum.

formerbabe Tue 13-Sep-16 20:09:46

I completely understand you op. My mum died when I was a child. It has left me feeling very bitter...when I see women my age with their mums, I feel really angry. I've missed out on having someone to turn to, advise me, help me. I feel like all my life I've had to look after myself or others...I'd love someone to look after me for once. I remember when I was at uni, everyone would go home in the holidays to their mums who'd do their washing and cook them a meal...Its so unfair.

Now I have children of my own, I have more resentment that my dc don't have a grandmother...they miss out and I get no support...it is really hard.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 13-Sep-16 20:10:11

Never compare the inside of your life with the outside of other people's. Mother daughter relationships can be very complicated, even the ones that seem lovely.

formerbabe Tue 13-Sep-16 20:15:16

Never compare the inside of your life with the outside of other people's. Mother daughter relationships can be very complicated, even the ones that seem lovely.

This is a very unhelpful comment.

Charley50 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:21:49

MrsTerry is so right.
OP I feel like you about a few things but it's more an abstract 'what if' than a real pain. I'm not close to my mum but I am becoming her carer. sad My dad was an abusive alcoholic.. I actually do sometimes try and imagine what it's like to have a great dad, one who is fun and loving and teaches his children to drive and has conversations about stuff, but my imagination fails me. It's a shame but it's really not worth dwelling on. Tbh I know hardly anyone who has a great mother / daughter relationship.

VelvetSpoon Tue 13-Sep-16 20:22:14

Op, I understand. It's seeing nannas with grandchildren that gets me more somehow nowadays, because not only do I not have my mum (she died when I was 21) but my kids never had her as their nanna.

I'd like to say it gets better over time but I'm not convinced. If anything it gets harder because of things like now I'm struggling to hear my mums voice in my head. Can't bear that I've almost forgotten what she sounded like sad.

ssd Tue 13-Sep-16 20:22:16

agree, it is unhelpful

this isnt just a normal everyday comparison, its something that goes deep right into your very soul

formerbabe Tue 13-Sep-16 20:25:04

Agree with ssd....I'm not jealous of someone else's car, home, holiday, jewellery...I'm jealous that other people have a loving mother well into their adulthood and I spent half of my childhood without a mother to care for me.

allthecarbs Tue 13-Sep-16 20:25:53

True ssd. How do you get it out when it's so deep? I feel like it's in my bones.

mumofthemonsters808 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:27:33

I feel like you too, it has been five years since I lost my lovely Mum and I miss her so much. I was lucky, she was also my Best Friend and we did lots together, at least I have my memories which I'm grateful for. I instantly notice Mum's and daughters together and it fills me with sadness and despite having a family of my own, I still feel very alone.I then remind myself that a 14 year old girl I know, has just lost her Mum, having already lost her Dad three years ago and I need to get my act together and be grateful that at least I had her until I entered my forties.Its not easy though.

funfunapple Tue 13-Sep-16 20:27:55

Me too. I'm so jealous and it hurts so badly. I have a daughter and I hope that she never experiences that

ssd Tue 13-Sep-16 20:28:13

I've had bereavement counselling and now CBT, but its still there, in spades

I feel I'll take it to my grave. I just hope I dont pass it on.

at least we arent alone thanks

Charley50 Tue 13-Sep-16 20:28:46

VelvetSpoon- my DB died many moons ago now. This year I realised I had forgotten his voice and it made me feel very sad.

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