SIL has no right to be mad at me

(57 Posts)
Exo Wed 31-Aug-16 13:46:14

Name changed for this

Bank holiday Monday DH, DCs and I went to South End for a family barbecue, his whole family lives there, so it was a bit of a reunion for us.

We were suppose to leave at 7pm but they had a trip to the beach and adventure Island planned for the next day and they (MIL & SIL) wanted us to go with them.

We have two DCs, DD, 11 and DS 7. DH had to go back to work on Tuesday and DS is autistic and would struggle so I was against staying but they convinced me that it would be a fun family activity and I knew DD would really enjoy it, so I agreed.

We get there bright and early to see MIL, SIL, BIL and 2 other adults with about 20 children, most of them 11 and under.

I was so surprised as I didn't realise it was a big thing and said straight away, how sorry I was that I wouldn't be able to help as I'd have my hands full with DCs.

I was given lots of head nods and yes that's fine.

We get inside adventure island and the mayhem begins, DD runs off with instructions to come back every hour as she doesn't have a phone and I find a table to sit on with DS, handed him some ear defenders, sun glasses and a few toys and left him to it.

Everyone else has split the DCs and are going on various rides, after about 2 hours SIL comes back to the table, with about 4 kids, 8 and under, she's clearly knackered and expecting me to swap with her, DS doesn't handle new people very well, so I can't just leave him with her and take the DCs on the rides, so I try and get DS to come along but he's adamant that he's fine sitting where he is and playing with his toys.

So I tell SIL, really sorry, I wish I could help a bit more but I really can't. She gave me such a look and then every time I saw her she huffed and went on about everyone pulling their weight.

I didn't even want to go and I gave them all fair warning that I wouldn't be much help at the start of the day, so I don't even see why she was getting annoyed at me.

FrancisCrawford Wed 31-Aug-16 13:49:12

She's a numpty.
Don't give it a second thought

alltouchedout Wed 31-Aug-16 13:49:41

Ywnbu. She was.

dustarr73 Wed 31-Aug-16 13:53:36

No she offered to bring the kids so she should look after them.Not your problem,you have your own kids to look after

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 13:53:54

Yanbu, I hate it when people do this.

You didn't even want to go, you told them the situation.

sirfredfredgeorge Wed 31-Aug-16 13:54:15

It doesn't actually sound like you "wish you could help a bit more", you didn't actually attempt to leave your son with his aunt despite your son being adamant he was happy there with his toys, you didn't tell him to come along or do much else.

Now it might've been completely reasonable to do those (I probably would've too, dragging kids around is crap) the problem is you said that you wished you could do more, when it doesn't really seem like you did. So for that, YABU, she does have something to be annoyed with, your lack of straight talking.

Exo Wed 31-Aug-16 13:54:35

If they'd told me it was going to be such a big thing I wouldn't have gone at all and I warned them not to count on me, the whole day was ended up being very awkward

Ameliablue Wed 31-Aug-16 13:57:37

Where did all the kids come from and why had they arranged it if they couldn't cope?

Exo Wed 31-Aug-16 13:57:40

Sirfred, I said in my OP, that I tried to get DS to come along, I didn't just ask him, I packed away his toys and really tried to convince him, he was happy there as long as I was there with him, the moment I walked away he would have been distressed and in tears, leaving him with her was not an option.

Exo Wed 31-Aug-16 13:59:21

Amelia, the kids were cousins and friends of the family who's parents couldn't come so they offered to take them, the plan was 4 kids to 1 adult and I think they thought that they could cope, it just turned out that they couldn't

Trifleorbust Wed 31-Aug-16 14:02:39

No, such a plan should absolutely have been discussed with you. It is ridiculous for your SIL to imagine she could pile you up with a gang of kids with no discussion, even if you discount the fact that your DS needed you more.

DixieNormas Wed 31-Aug-16 14:03:00

Well that was stupid of them, id have been in the same position as you. I couldn't just leave ds4 with anyone else as much as id like to occasionally

AnotherTimeMaybe Wed 31-Aug-16 14:03:48

I suspect she doesn't have a child with asd hence she's talking bollocs! I bet you wish you'd told her to fuck off
Not sure who these DCs are but definitely not your responsibility
YANBU

Laiste Wed 31-Aug-16 14:04:35

How ridiculous to plan a day like that without checking everyone was on board with it! Sounds more like a school trip! Nightmare endurance rather than a fun day. I wouldn't have been particularly pro-active to join in either OP.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 31-Aug-16 14:05:41

Your SIL clearly doesn't understand the struggles you have with your DS, but she WBU to not listen to you.

Next time you won't get caught out again though - you'll know to check how many other people are going and be able to say "No" when it becomes obvious that they've overstretched themselves.

AnotherTimeMaybe Wed 31-Aug-16 14:06:26

That's brilliant! So she offered to entertain so many DCs without telling you from the beginning she needed your help for that reason? And she knew you'd have your ds with asd as well?? What an idiot!

Shoxfordian Wed 31-Aug-16 14:09:30

I don't think she has the right to be annoyed with you but you might have done better to stick with your first instincts and not go

MrsT1984 Wed 31-Aug-16 14:14:00

Sounds like my in laws! Our son has ASD and the family have no idea what that actually entails and are always a bit miffed at me for similar reasons. I live in Southend and avoid AA like the plague in the summer hols, so they should be bloody grateful that you agreed to take your son there at all, never mind anything else. You were clear of what was going to be happening from the outset, yes she may have been struggling with 4 kids but I bet she was having a much easier time of it than you and your son were and you'd have happily swapped if you could! YaDefNBU!

Inertia Wed 31-Aug-16 14:17:08

YANBU. They should have arranged to take enough adults to manage the children they were planning to take. You cannot be expected to just ditch your disabled child and cause him distress because they'd taken on too much.

If they couldn't manage the children they had, they should have planned the day out for a day when parents could be there too.

HateSummer Wed 31-Aug-16 14:18:54

I think you both wbu. It doesn't sound like you tried very hard to convince ds and he might have been ok if he was happy sitting there playing. if you knew dd would enjoy it, why not send just her and you stay at home or elsewhere with ds?

She was bu because you'd already told her that you wouldn't be much help and then sprang 20 (really?) children on you..where were all the 20 children's parents?

I think your sil probably gave you looks because you didn't leave ds with her and to her it would've looked like you didn't want to move or help on purpose. You should've explained his autism and what would happen if you left.

Lweji Wed 31-Aug-16 14:20:49

the plan was 4 kids to 1 adult and I think they thought that they could cope, it just turned out that they couldn't

Definitely their problem. Even without your DS. They were not taking care of yours and you had not agreed previously to take care for free of four random children, moat of whom you probably didn't even know.

Would their parents be happy that their children weren't under the care of the friend they thought, but some other person?
Ask her that if she ever brings it up.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 31-Aug-16 14:28:16

dc's dad does not understand dc's needs never mind anyone else. (whines and moans like a teenager about not being able to do more than the kids can cope with) some people just do not get it. your sil is obviously one of those. and no ywnbu.

PurplePidjin Wed 31-Aug-16 14:28:48

I very rarely generalise about all autistic people, but one thing you can assume is that trying to persuade someone with autism to do something they don't feel comfortable with Will Not Work. Ever.

The op tried, she knows how far she can push her son. She did her utmost. So those of you with your "well you didn't try very hard" can fuck off. The effort required for that child to even be in that environment was immense; he needed his mum.

PovertyPain Wed 31-Aug-16 14:33:17

Just wondering at what point was the OP to accept that her son didn't want to move? When he says no, when he gets agitated, or should she push him until he has a meltdown? Would the meltdown prove to posters that she tried hard enough? hmm

Your sil tried to be the fun grown up and it backfired on her, OP. Not your problem.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Wed 31-Aug-16 14:33:57

I wouldn't worry about it op, it's their own fault. They factored you in as a child minder with out discussing it with and dressed it up as a family day out.

Good for you for sticking to your guns

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