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To be upset about DH's criticism

(60 Posts)
Halle71 Tue 30-Aug-16 14:11:58

DH and I were bought up in very different homes. My parents are very conservative, not massively social (my dad more so that my mum though) and only drink lightly and live fairly modestly. On the other hand, DH’s parents are massive party animals, live life to the full, spend money and drink lots. I was very shy as a kid, and teased because I was ‘square’ until I was 14 or 15 when I decided to become the class clown, and got into music and just grew up I guess. My friends, including DH, would laugh (well, DH does) if I describe myself as shy because I cover it up and can hold my own in a social situation, almost becoming too chatty to get over how uncomfortable I can get. But I am shy and quite private and enjoy time alone, seeing home as my haven. I love to have people over for BBQs/dinner/kids for play dates etc but don’t feel comfortable with people round all the time. DH however would always have people round if he could.
His parents are over from abroad at the moment, for a total of 5 weeks but ‘only’ staying at our house for three weeks. It’s really stressing me out - they are always in the house as they have ‘done’ London. For four days aver the BH I literally did not see him without unless we were in bed and as he stayed up drinking with them, that was sleeping.
DH has been quite horrible about it –he says I am boring and that I hate having people round. He thinks that I am abnormal and that most people are like him – he would actually live with his parents if he had the chance. He makes me feel ashamed that I don’t have an open house, odd that I like my space and privacy.
I get on well with the in-laws when we visit them, but they live in an outdoorsy/beachy country and we do our own thing a lot of the time, meeting up for day trips and meals. Or my BIL and his wife and kids will be there as well – I am more comfortable in a bigger group in that situation. However, this isn’t about the in-laws, they are just the biggest example of the problem.
He’s made me feel like a horrible person.

sooperdooper Tue 30-Aug-16 14:14:43

I couldn't cope with anyone staying for 3 weeks!! I'm with you op, I like my own space and I'd feel exactly like you do

mrsmalcolmreynolds Tue 30-Aug-16 14:26:11

YANBU at all, sounds like he's being pretty thoughtless and lacking in empathy. I have to say that it sounds like there's a wider problem here though - namely that he doesn't seem to know you very well. How is it that you are married to each other and he doesn't realise (or doesn't want to acknowledge) that you are in fact an introverted person?

I'm not saying that you're at fault for that btw, just saying it seems a big hole in his knowledge of someone that he is married to. Have you felt able to discuss it with him/explain how you feel in the past?

Trifleorbust Tue 30-Aug-16 14:40:48

I think he sounds pretty cheeky. However unusual your preferences for how things run in your own home (and I think a lot of people will clear up that you're not unusual at all btw!), it is your home and you are entitled to feel comfortable. A 3 week stay is an enormous deal for anyone, and when you are introverted it is even harder to tolerate people being in your home and constantly around, let alone your husband's drinking with the family etc. He needs to understand that you are not being weird not to simply fall into line with what he wants - compromise is in order.

Helmetbymidnight Tue 30-Aug-16 14:45:15

This sounds like a classic introvert/extrovert clash.
When you're hiding in your room from people read Susan Cains 'quiet
You have my sympathies.

CedricSydneySneer Tue 30-Aug-16 14:49:38

Yanbu imo.

I could not put up with guests for 3 weeks. I'm an introvert and I NEED my space and privacy. I've got my own ways of doing things and I hate anyone interrupting my routines.

I imagine even the most sociable of people I know wouldn't appreciate 3 week visits.

Astoria797 Tue 30-Aug-16 14:52:10

Speaking from experience, men tend to become really childish when they stay with their parents for so long. My previously sensible husband started throwing tantrumns when we had his mum over for several months this year, to the point where I couldn't take him out & went to all social gatherings alone or with his mum. She saw nothing wrong with it until I bluntly told her that his behaviour is grounds for divorce in this country; that's when she tried to help sort him out.

CedricSydneySneer Tue 30-Aug-16 14:52:57

I won't apologise for being introvert either. It's not a bad thing, I don't need to be around people 24/7.

Topseyt Tue 30-Aug-16 15:13:13

Bloody hell. I don't mind the occasional visitor for a couple of days or so, but three weeks!!! Certainly not.

I am an introvert too. I like, want and need my own space. Not for me the party lifestyle. That would be my idea of hell.

My DH is very similar to me, although he tries to tell me occasionally that we should be more outgoing. I smile and ignore. He has never meant it and always reverts to type very quickly.

Tell your DH that you will join in as and when you feel like it. I would also be tempted to tell him that it was very presumptuous of his parents to just descend on you for three weeks. I think you deserve a medal for putting up with that at all.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 30-Aug-16 15:17:43

I'm an extrovert and having my FIL in the house for three weeks would drive me batty. Your DH sounds very unempathetic.

Halle71 Tue 30-Aug-16 16:16:54

We've only been married for a year but together for nine years.
It was pretty apparent early on that we were different but we have kind of worked it out in 'regular' life. He has a group of very close friends from school who he is constantly texting and Whatsapping and who he sees every Friday. Most have kids now and I get on well with them all and their wives - we have been on holiday twice with one family and to their wedding in Italy with everyone. I have a miss match of old friends I see occasionally and we have a close group of 5 families from DDs nursery then school who we hang out with a lot. So I don't think I am anti social. But I am definitely introverted/private as I am uncomfortable when people stay or drop in. I basically like to do most of my socialising outside the home, probably because I can control who/when/where/how long.
You can imagine how three weeks of constant company feels!

Naicehamshop Tue 30-Aug-16 16:19:57

YANBU!! He is showing a total lack of empathy and understanding. Show him this thread!!

RaspberryOverload Tue 30-Aug-16 16:55:19

He thinks that I am abnormal and that most people are like him

Your DH sounds like a twat. He's an extrovert, and it's generally (IMO) the case that extroverts simply can't understand the need that introverts have for that quiet space.

I'm an introvert. I grew up with two extrovert parents, and a wider family of extroverts. At times it could be absolute hell, because while I eventually learned to act in a similar fashion to them, I still needed (and still do need) time alone every day to recharge.

Many people would tell you that I'm very sociable, chatty, etc, but without that space I'd quickly turn into a bitch from hell.

There are full on extroverts, and also full on introverts, with most of us featuring somewhere along the range in between.

And he shouldn't be unilaterally inviting his parents along for 3 weeks. It should have been a discussion between the two of you. It's your home too and you have the right to want to have the quiet space you need. So you should have had a talk between the two of you to discuss how to achieve this and also enjoy a visit at the same time.

Buttfucknowhere Tue 30-Aug-16 17:17:06

I'm an extrovert, my dh is an introvert. He likes to entertain and is very sociable, would constantly have people round for BBQ's etc, whereas I need lots of notice, prefer not to entertain too frequently, and would go potty at having anyone to stay for longer than a weekend!

My dh thinks I'm antisocial and possibly a bit of a party pooper, but accepts who I am and doesn't force me to do too much that I'm uncomfortable with.

This is not about your differences, it's about your level of tolerance for those differences. He's being a bit of a dick I'm afraid.

Halle71 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:23:19

Thanks Raspberry - your post made me feel a bit weepy - I'm not the only one.
I did the bitch from hell thing last night and feel shit now.
We stayed at cottage on the s coast for 4 days over the bank hol and DH hired a 9 seater to transport us all so we were literally with them for 96 hours with breaks for sleeping. Literally no time apart. And they weren't really happy with what we were doing (beach days) but couldn't say as they were crashing our holiday so showed it in other ways. I was so over it by the time we got back last night and I was really huffy. I can keep it together for a period of time but then I get obviously stroppy over silly things (last night it was because I was in the shower and his mum tried to have a shower in the other bathroom but we have a combi boiler so I lost all my water pressure. I just shouted to DH to see what was happening but then we had an argument about the whole situation and bits of it were overheard. He's just texted me to say they are thinking about moving to a B&B. I don't want that either though - I don't see how things will ever recover from that and they will still be round all the time anyway to see the kids - it's not the sleeping bit that is the problem :-) They are with us for 2 weeks, then go to Italy and on a cruise for 2 weeks, then back with us for a week. I could have coped with a week either side, but knowing it's 3 is stressing me out.
Now I feel like such a bitch. Don't know what to do.

Halle71 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:32:14

Buttfuck. That's us and we muddle along nicely most of the time.
It's just his parents staying which causes the issues. Which makes him think the issue is his parents. I have told him til I am blue in the face that I couldn't have my parents or any of my friends for more than 2 nights (maybe three over Christmas). He points out that we go there for 3-4 weeks. But they still go to work/see their friends/have people round/go to golf/go on weekends away while we are there. Our normal life grinds to a halt while they are here.

I just called him to say to tell them please don't go to a B&B and he was driving and I was on fucking speaker phone with her in the car! He knew I wanted to talk to him and he's taken her to do the school pick up so we won't have chance to speak until I get home from work. I spoke before I knew she was there and she said, 'well, we'll see, lets talk tonight'.
I don't want to talk. I feel like crying.

teacher54321 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:35:44

Oh poor you. I really struggle with overnight visitors and staying over at other peoples' houses. I am a 'sociable introvert', I love seeing my friends/family on my own terms. Even my best friends/family drive me crackers within a couple of days and I can't deal with more than 2 nights! how much longer are they with you for till they go away again?

teacher54321 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:36:47

I've just seen your update, that's rubbish to let you talk when he's on speakerphone. I'd be furious.

SandyY2K Tue 30-Aug-16 17:38:22

I'm not introvert but I would still find 3 weeks is too long to have house guests.

Your DH shouldn't have said that even if he thought it, because there's no way the comment would not have caused you to be upset.

I'll be honest, in the earlier days of our marriage I found my DH wasn't a good host when we had guests and would just disappear upstairs for hours. It was very annoying and embarrassing, but I never said anything until we were discussing things we weren't happy with in the marriage.

What was most annoying is he did this mainly when my family came over, but if I'd have done it when his family were there, he would not have liked it.

Halle71 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:38:48

Social Introvert is a great tem.
I love going out, I love having people round, I instigate a lot of stuff. But I need my downtime.
They go away again next Thursday.
If they don't go to the B&B :-(

Halle71 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:39:42

term

teacher54321 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:42:05

Oh poor you. Luckily we live near dh's family so we haven't had to sleep over there for about 5 years. I cope ok at my parents and sisters because it's only ever one or two nights and we all 'get it'.

Do you normally get on ok with his parents?

MiscellaneousAssortment Tue 30-Aug-16 17:44:28

Well he sounds vile, pissing around with private/shared boundaries to ... What? Punish you? Freeze you put as you cannot communicate given his refusal to allow you private space to do so.

Wanker throwing a toddler tantrum because you've asked him to consider someone else's needs. Ffs.

You don't get energy from socializing, you give energy, even if you adore the people in question. You get stressed and anxious when you run out of energy to give. So you need to recharge between visits. That's it. Nothing personal. They should understand that introverts work differently to extroverts, even if they seem chatty vs the awkward shhing librarian stereotype!

flowers

Funnyface1 Tue 30-Aug-16 17:46:32

I am not like him. I'm like a Cheshire cat when waving people off after two hours, even if I love them and have had a great time. I need my space. Home is where you can relax and breathe. It's not the same when you have long term guests (more than one night!)

Rainbunny Tue 30-Aug-16 17:46:56

I'm like you OP - a extrovert/introvert mix (there's a name for it but I can't think of it right now). Luckily my dh is the same, perhaps a bit more extroverted.

Here's the thing, your DH needs to understand that it's not a question of "good" personality versus "poor" personality, you're just different and deserve to be respected for who your are, your personality doesn't need to be "improved" to become more social.

As for being boring, I have realised over the years that the truly boring people are actually the extroverts who can't bear to be in their own company for 5 minutes. They need the constant interaction with others to stave off their own boredom. Alcohol also can be a crutch to stave off boredom and even the most uninteresting company is bearable when everyone is drinking. I'm not trying to suggest that all extroverts are drinkers btw.

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