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I think my partner just settled

(68 Posts)
Andysgirl15 Sat 07-May-16 11:40:05

Bit of a long story so I'll try and make it as short as possible. I've been with my partner nearly a year and don't get me wrong he's an amazing man, he accepts my daughter as his own and we have another on the way as I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Anyway I can't help but feel that he only settled with me as he couldn't be arsed to carry on looking. Before getting with me he was single for 2 years and he wanted to settle down and have kids as time was ticking on for him (he's nearly 35) I'm 23.

But I know he has a rep for being a player in his younger days and as I've seen on his Facebook pics he's attracted to a specific type of woman. Blonde hair, size 8 and more make up than boots make up counter. (These pics aren't from years ago they were a couple of months before he got with me). He says he never did anything with any of them but it still clearly shows that's the type of woman he's attracted to.

They aren't completely innocent pics. He's draped all over them hands everywhere biting/licking their ears etc. Then there's me a size 14, look like complete shit. Can't remember the last time I got dolled up for any reason. I prefer to spend my evenings in my pj's in front of the telly I feel like shite constantly in this pregnancy. We have been out a couple of times but when we have pics done it's just us next to each other there's no love/romance/sexuality in the pics we just look like a couple of mates who haven't seen each other for ages.

So AIBU to think he's just settled because he couldn't be arsed to look anymore

P.s he's not a very good looking guy either he's average

Lightbulbon Sat 07-May-16 11:43:13

If you feel like this now it's a really bad sign.

Lots of red flags there.

Please take care of yourself.

ilovesooty Sat 07-May-16 11:45:15

Did you have these concerns prior to your pregnancy?

OiWithThePoodlesAlready Sat 07-May-16 11:48:36

How does he treat you? I wouldn't think too much about looking different to his ex partners, that's not uncommon. But if he isn't making you feel attractive, loved and secure that is a problem.

Andysgirl15 Sat 07-May-16 11:50:26

Yeah I've had these concerns for a few months and I told him about them but he just says that he really does love me and he hasn't settled. I don't think he would cheat at the moment as he has ED and even the viagra is hit and miss. In a way I'm really glad he has ED as I don't have to worry about him sleeping with someone else.

He used to work with a woman he claimed to hate but I saw pics this morning from a month before he got with me with the 'hated girl' with his hands all over her and sucking her earlobe. I just can't trust what he says anymore.

Andysgirl15 Sat 07-May-16 11:53:38

He treats me really well and the girls on the pictures aren't exes a lot of them are random women he makes friends with at work and on holiday etc.

If I do get dressed up for a night out which is rare he never says anything. I would expect silence if I looked like that constantly but I don't so when I do make and effort I don't get anything back and that hurts as I'm massively insecure about my body. I feel self conscious for the rest of the night and I put off going out again.

JillianLovestheBeebs Sat 07-May-16 11:53:44

I think you are making the classic mistake of trying to own his past.

He said that the things you have stated in your OP are not true. You have no evidence other than some old photographs. If you don't let it go at this stage, it's going to eat you up.

PokemonMaster Sat 07-May-16 11:54:06

He sounds like a creep. Poor you flowers

Waltermittythesequel Sat 07-May-16 11:55:14

Sounds like he was a typical lad while he was single.

Not exactly covering him in glory but still, while he was unattached.

It's really sad that you're glad he has a medical condition as it keeps you 'safe' from him cheating. That's no way to live and you are so young.

How does he treat you? Has he given you any reason to suspect anything on distrust him?

If not, I don't think it's fair on either of you to hold his past against him. Does he do the same about yours?

Pinkheart5915 Sat 07-May-16 11:55:40

Is it possible the emotions of pregnancy are making you insecure?
The pictures you refer to are from a couple of months before he got with you so I really don't see the problem.
I think people can be players (if we must use the word) and do meet somebody and all that changes.

The important thing is if he treats you and your dd well and you want to be with him.

Stardust160 Sat 07-May-16 11:56:29

To be honest it sounds like you've both settled judging by the comment at the end. Are you remotely attracted him? You don't express any feelings on you part in your opening OP.

Pinkheart5915 Sat 07-May-16 11:56:48

Everybody has a past its part of life, so you shouldn't judge him on his past

Andysgirl15 Sat 07-May-16 11:56:51

I really do understand it will eat me up but it's something I can't stop thinking about. I feel like he's ashamed of me but he probably isn't and it's just the way I think.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 07-May-16 11:59:38

So he's a liar, he doesn't make you feel beautiful and you don't trust him?

I'm guessing the photos upset you because they make you feel insecure, and you feel insecure because you're pregnant and he's untrustworthy, and he doesn't seem to show that he finds you attractive. If he's untrustworthy and you know he's lied to you about at least one thing, there's nowhere really to go.

He can't change his past and it'd be unfair to hold it against him if he was now an upstanding member of society but he does sound quite sleazy biting random girls earlobes for photos and if you don't think he's changed, and he's not showing that side of him with you, I think you're probably incompatible.

CaptainCrunch Sat 07-May-16 12:00:21

Sounds more like you settled.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 07-May-16 12:00:37

Is it usual in his circles to be pictured on FB biting and licking people!?

If I do get dressed up for a night out which is rare he never says anything. I would expect silence if I looked like that constantly but I don't so when I do make and effort I don't get anything back and that hurts as I'm massively insecure about my body. I feel self conscious for the rest of the night and I put off going out again.

Have you told him this^ specifically? (At a time when you're not out or going out.)

Andysgirl15 Sat 07-May-16 12:01:00

Yeah I am attracted to him but it feels like it's not reciprocated. I know I shouldn't judge him on his past but he shouldn't say he hadn't got a type when he clearly has. No offence but he has 400 pics on fb and not one has a big frumpy woman with tits by her ankles so that tells me something. He says he's a confident person so people instantly want to be his friend. Sorry but I don't act like he does with my friends. There is a line u don't cross but he does

TheNaze73 Sat 07-May-16 12:01:01

I think everyone's entitled to a past. He's chosen to be with you for a reason

Waltermittythesequel Sat 07-May-16 12:01:27

He's a liar?

Waltermittythesequel Sat 07-May-16 12:02:05

But has he crossed those lines while he's been with you?

Andysgirl15 Sat 07-May-16 12:03:23

No its not usual for him. He's been out plenty of times without me with friends and he's never done it. Well not that I know of anyway.

No I don't tell him. I have zero confidence so I don't like drawing attention to myself so I don't want to say anything to him because I know if he says I do look nice I won't believe it as I'll feel he just said it to please me

Stardust160 Sat 07-May-16 12:05:30

If your attracted to him why say he's only average looking? It's double standards here OP. You are moaning he never compliments you when your going out and feel inferior to women he's pictured with before he met you. Yet you describe him as average looking and discuss his sexual problems on an Internet forum. How would you feel if he discussed your appearance to strangers? You got your own insecuries your OH has really done anything wrong other than not past a compliment.

Waltermittythesequel Sat 07-May-16 12:07:17

It really doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

He's not a mind reader. Yes, it would be nice if he complimented you but if he doesn't know how you feel, he can't be blamed for it.

Your jealousy and insecurity seem to be massive issues here.

He hasn't 'lied' to you about having a type!

Well, it doesn't sound like he's tried to keep some dirty little secret from you.

Try not to be so hard on youself. A 14 isn't a whale!

Stardust160 Sat 07-May-16 12:09:17

If this was a man posting about his DP he would get flamed

Just5minswithDacre Sat 07-May-16 12:09:22

If they all do it (play up to the cameras) that's one thing, but if he's particularly fond of licking semi-strangers, then I can see why that would play on your mind.

OTOH, he's on a grown-up relationship with DC with you now, not a long 18-30 holiday so I wouldn't let the fact that he poses respectfully (normally!) next to you in photos bother you. It's probably more that he's grown up a bit and settled down than settled. For all you know he's consciously trying to be sensible and mature enough for you.

Maybe try the light approach to the 'no comments about how I look' situation? Something like "You are allowed to compliment me you know!"

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