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Massive row with Stepson

(61 Posts)
darkmavis1 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:09:50

My SS is 18 and still on his christmas break from uni. We've just had a massive row and he's stormed off to his mums house and i feel like shit. Basically, we've never really got on, but i've tried really hard as he's only here at weekends. I find him lazy, selfish and entitled. I gave him a lift the other night to his friends house (after he literally stamped his feet when i said no!) and he said he would be back that night/early morning. On the way i spoke to him calmly about how i understand it's difficult to be back in a family environment after the freedom of being at uni, but we are a functioning family household with a 7 year old, and he needs to be considerate about the noise he makes and the general stomping around. We have a rule that if you aren't coming home, you text or fb message. I think it's fair - no details, just confirmation that he's safe. So, i didn't hear from him until 7pm the next night…was a bit concerned but assumed his phone had died and he was being inconsiderate. He said he'd been too busy to let me know - which annoyed me but i kept quiet.
I arrange tea times according to his schedule, i give him lifts..anything for a quiet life. Conversations are strained.
Tonight, after 2 times of me asking him to keep the noise down i snapped and shouted at him to use his headphones. He shouted at me, so i took my laptop away from him. We then got into the "my house, my rules" thing. My husband is completely on his side all the time and just says he's inconsiderate and to leave it. My problem is i feel like I'm on eggshells whenever he comes over and i don't feel like i should be in my own home. He says it's his home, i say at 18 if you don't like the rules - you find somewhere else. I did! I know i'm pretty bossy and can get passionate, but I'm not nasty. I love him to bits, but can't live with him. I've told him he can come back if he apologises. AIBU?

Donnadoon Sun 10-Jan-16 22:17:16

No YANBU. Except I'd stop giving in to his foot stamps.

shouldnthavesaid Sun 10-Jan-16 22:21:09

He's using your laptop and he treats you like that? You are worth more than that - don't give in to him. His dad needs to support you more too, at 18 you can't behave like that. Either he should fit in with you guys or he goes elsewhere in my opinion.

AyeAmarok Sun 10-Jan-16 22:21:46

You have a husband problem more than a SS problem.

CocktailQueen Sun 10-Jan-16 22:27:01

Agree with AyeAmarok! Why isn't your h supporting you?

Mmmmcake123 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:33:00

I think you maybe need to speak to dh so that you are both on the same side. Dh may feel ss doesn't need to let you know when he will be back as he wouldn't be checking in during term time. As far as meals are concerned, I would just get a couple of ready meals in and/or let him have cheese/beans on toast.
I understand you are a functioning family but trying to get him to function your way doesn't seem to be working.
Making noise and being disrespectful is a no no, but being treated as though you are still at school probably won't work either.
Once you and dh agree, then it is time to speak to ss. Telling him he needs to fit in as he is at home doesn't sound very inclusive to me and probably didn't to him, it's not exactly welcoming. Good luck OP, I think a chat with dh could help you both set realistic expectations.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 10-Jan-16 22:33:31

"My husband is completely on his side all the time and just says he's inconsiderate and to leave it."
No. Just no. Your husband is this young man's parent, and he needs to understand that 'parent' is a verb as well as a noun. He is doing his son no favours at all by deciding to 'leave it'. If his son were to behave in the workplace how he behaves in your home, he'd be sacked. Is that what your husband wants for his son? To be too inconsiderate to be employable?

darkmavis1 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:33:58

H has a problem with my delivery. I shout. But not at first! It takes a while for me to lose it, and i'm generally ignored. Also, my fil (very recently deceased) was a complete bully and i think he's overcompensating…I have always played 'bad cop' with his 2 boys, although he's more than happy to tell off our ds when necessary. He wants to be the hero/fun one to the ones who don't live with us full time (both adults now, 18&21). Frustrating, but understandable. Just makes life unbearable when they're all round.

Mmmmcake123 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:40:59

He's at home though during a break, surely you wouldn't expect people to behave on leave as they would during work time? smile

darkmavis1 Sun 10-Jan-16 22:49:30

I see your point mmmmcake123 - but we're not all on a break. We're at work and ds is at school. His stomping around at 2am is disruptive. I think he needs to fit in with our family life while he's here.

NanaNina Sun 10-Jan-16 22:55:19

I think Disney dad is the term darkmavis - being a SP is so bloody hard. Thank god mine have grown and have families of their own. There was so much tension in those teenage years. All I can say is young people do change - they do grow more responsible in their 20s, so all is not lost. You sound really nice and "losing it" is part of the human condition!

Jux Sun 10-Jan-16 22:59:53

Mealtimes are when you set them. If someone isn't there and hasn't told you they will want to be fed, then you don't waste food catering for them. If they've said they would like food, then if they're not there, you plate up for them, put another plate over the top and leave it in the oven to keep warm. If they don't eat it and don't apologise for leaving it, then next time you don't cater for them.

If they're using your laptop and are uncooperative about noise or whatever, you take it away from them.

And so on.

If your h doesn't like it then he deals with it. If he doesn't deal with it then you do it your way.

Jux Sun 10-Jan-16 23:00:30

And finally, tell him he's their parent not their friend.

FlatOnTheHill Sun 10-Jan-16 23:00:32

I think your husband is the issue and needs to man up and deal with him.
You sound like a lovely stepmum that does a lot for him. He needs to show you the respect you deserve and so does your DH in sticking up for you and sorting Dss out thanks

darkmavis1 Sun 10-Jan-16 23:00:42

Thanks NanaNina. I've been so close to leaving for years, it has been pretty unbearable and i used to feel so left out and ganged up on. I love my step kids, i really do. I just don't want to live with them. It's especially difficult when they're allowed to do things i won't let me ds do - like eat tea in their bedroom. A few years ago when we found out ds was smoking weed, i said it's his choice, but he's not to bring it into my house as i had a small child. DH refused to enforce this. It was ridiculous.

peppielillyan Sun 10-Jan-16 23:04:23

is it really your house?
just curious....

Antisoc Sun 10-Jan-16 23:05:44

He sounds rude and inconsiderate but I think I'd drop asking him for texts to let you know he is safe, I'd stop making him food to suit his schedule and giving him lifts if it doesn't suit you. Why do you want him to text you if he is staying out? confused I imagine he thinks it's you being controlling for the sake of it even if it's not.

The 'my house my rules' thing isn't going to work if your DH isn't in agreement.

darkmavis1 Sun 10-Jan-16 23:05:48

What do you mean peppielillyan?

Scarydinosaurs Sun 10-Jan-16 23:09:56

That is ridiculous RE the weed.

I agree you have a DH problem.

MistressDeeCee Sun 10-Jan-16 23:10:17

You seem to be vert prominent in telling your SS what to do and what not to do. He is only with you weekends, not on weekdays so how much does his noise affect you, really? Initially I'd thought this was a boy who lived with you permanently and was disruptive.

Its more an issue with your husband not setting boundaries. But somehow.. you come across as being hard on this boy. Plus you give him lifts etc - when he is around that is because, he isn't often around is he? Then you complain about him when you are in effect enabling him. & you're shouty. Nobody likes that, why would they?

Perhaps you come across to him as someone who is on his case the minute he lands in the door each week and want to be in his business. Im not saying he is right in the way he is treating you, however. But its just something in the way you come across...

Anyway best bet is to have words with your DH and get him to intervene, because the enabling then the shouting and all else cant really go on, can it? & something needs to be done because its doubtful he's coming home after Uni is it, Im thinking - since he is 18 and you've made it sound like all revolves around you and your 7 year old. He is not 7. He is an 18 year old young man so if you can't cope with a teen at weekends you aren't going to be able to cope with him around full-time. Be nice if teens were perfect, wouldn't it? Unfortunately they are not, and they have phases different needs wants etc. Not easy. But best all avoided if it doesn't fit with your life

peppielillyan Sun 10-Jan-16 23:10:18

i was just asking if you have bought the house with your own money....

LeaLeander Sun 10-Jan-16 23:10:25

I see no reason why an adult should check in with you, tbh, about his comings and goings. Organize your meals to suit the schedules of the young children; surely the stepson can find something to eat when he's home, if he needs to.

Eating tea in bedroom etc. - well, there are some things adults can choose to do that kids can't; you can explain that to your children. When they are adult they can decide where and when to eat. Surely you don't expect your 18-year-old stepson to live by the same rules as a 7-year-old?

Smoking weed - well, how would the small child even know? I wouldn't allow teen to smoke it in the family room but surely hanging out his bedroom window (like most of us did) at night is not going to be visible to the small child? Don't look for things to criticize, just deal with the most important.

It is reasonable to demand no loud noise after the children's bedtime and before a certain hour of the day - 8 or 9 a.m.

Antisoc Sun 10-Jan-16 23:10:40

Also, I suspect, that if you have always been the shouty 'bad cop' whilst your DH has been the fun one then I doubt your SS is suddenly start going to want to be considerate towards you.

Cloppysow Sun 10-Jan-16 23:11:02

Apart from the weed and the stomping at 2am, i think you need to back off a bit.

darkmavis1 Sun 10-Jan-16 23:11:14

The texting thing may sound ridiculous, but it's so we know if he's not made it home it's through choice. He would be making his way here alone, often walking miles to avoid bus fare, and there has been a lot of terrible incidents involving young males in this area - including the gs of a friend. I worry! He has a curfew at his mum's apparently.

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