To think that I've made a complete mess of my life and it's probably never going to change?(66 Posts)
Where do I start?
I am 33, going on 34 and I still live in the family home with my parents. I want to leave, in fact I dream of it but I'm single and I'm not even sure I'd be able to afford it on my own. Aside from this is there is the fact I've that I've never lived independently so I have no clue about budgeting, paying bills, council tax or anything like that. I wouldn't know where to start, it terrifies me and I find it so overwhelming.
That all sounds disgustingly pathetic I know, and I'm actually ashamed to put it down on here but it's the truth. I have mental health problems going back to childhood, it started with school refusal when I was eight and has developed into anxiety problems. I should say I am quite bright academically and did well when I was actually there, I also had friends and was lucky enough not to be bullied so there was no real reason for any of this but it continued right through secondary school. My parents didn't really know what to do with me, my mum is quite an emotinally distant person who has never hugged us or told us she loved us and her reaction to this was to scream and shout at me for not going to school.
So I failed my GCSE's because I was never in school, and went from dead end job to dead end job. When I was 19 I wanted to become a holiday rep, even had the application forms but my parents talked me out of it. Instead in my early 20's I went back to college, retook my exams and then applied to university. You can guess what happened next can't you? My parents talked me into applying to a Uni close to home, I did this dutifully went to a local one enjoyed it but missed out on the proper experience of Uni.
In my late 20's I had quite serious breakdown which had been building over the course of a few years. I was on AD's for a while and was unable to work, I also had counselling and was told that my family were the root cause of my problems. I couldn't work during this time.
So now fast forward to now, I have a job but it doesn't pay a lot, certainly not enough to pay rent, bills etc. I live in my family home watching my parents get older and turn into my grandparents more with each passing day. My future seems quite horribly bleak, when they die I will be fucked won't I because I'm on my own and I haven't got a clue how to look after myself? I missed it all in my formative years. Sometimes I think I should try and look for a relationship, but I'm hardly a catch am I? Almost middle aged and still living with the rents.
I don't know what to do? I say I'm going to try and change things, but I never do. So I've ruined my life havent I?
You have not ruined your life! Infact- I would say almost the opposite, look at what you've achieved in spite of the difficulties placed before you!
You have friends
You went to uni
You hold down a job
That's a lot, more than many.
Big changes take time--- but you have time. Baby steps.
Could you use your degree and retrain a bit, or do some professional qualifications
Qualifications to bump up your salary and make you more employable?
Can you start saving- even just £5/week. You don't need to say what this is for. Just put it in the bank and watch it grow.
Do you have a mobile phone, a gym membership? In that sense you already know how to manage some finances.
Teach yourself something new each week-
Cook a new meal from scratch
Change the oil in you/friends car
Paint your room
Change the filter in your parents vacuum.
Ask friends to show you how to do something- see it as skill swap.
No you haven't ruined your life it's never too late. Sure, your situation may be slightly unusual but not insurmountable in the least. Do you have friends etc? There's so much you can find out online about the cost of things, or we can help? Start small I'll happily tell you rough costs of things.
You sound a lot like me so I mean this kindly: stop making excuses and stop looking for the negatives. You went to uni, did you pass? Can you get a better job? Learn how to budget and pay bills etc on the internet, there's shitloads of info out there.
If you just want to wallow, nothing will change.
No you haven't , you need to start loving yourself
What would be your dream job ?
My dream job when I was younger was always something that involved travelling, that's why I wanted to apply to become a holiday rep. Something like that or cabin crew would have been perfect for me then. I always wanted to travel, but have never been any further than Europe.
Now I work with SEN children, and I enjoy it a lot but there's no money in it at all.
I expect that living with your parents you feel like you can't do things - you're still reliant on them.
Budgeting and things aren't that hard really, you just see how much money comes in and make a note of what you spend and make sure it doesn't go above what you have coming in.
It sounds like you're entirely competent, just lacking in confidence. We all make mistakes but that's ok, don't let the fear of that hold you back.
In your position I would have a look and see if you can progress at work, or take other courses to progress or retrain. Then have a look at local flats and see how much rent would be and how much you would have to earn to live in one.
Is your SEN work something you would be interested in expanding
It's very specialist
Oh and good luck!
Just think, a whole world is out there for you to explore.
Just thinking about using your skills to work abroad
I think do anything to make the break from your parents. Grown up life is quite easy - do job, find flat that costs about a third of your salary (give or take a bit depending where you live/ how much you earn) pay bills, save some of your salary.
Go to pub/join groups doing things you like. Meet nice man probably doing those things. Move in. Get married or not. Have babies or not.
Go to garden centres and out for teas.
Yes, I do enjoy working with SEN children. It's something I only fell into when I couldn't find anything else but I've suprised myself my really enjoying it. I find it rewarding watching their progress, and some of them are real characters.
Have a look got somewhere with rent you might be able to afford, a house share is a good start, get a six month lease, stay close to home if you're nervous. You know the thought of being independent is a lot more scary than the reality. If after six months you can't cope, fine, move back
I'll guarantee you won't want to
I am sorry, I am crap with helpful advice - you have NOT fucked up, you come across as a very articulate and empathetic young woman (sorry am assuming gender) who knows what she wants.
I think maybe you need to write a list of all the things you want to achieve.
Even tiny things like start saving, then when you have a clear list of what you want you can break it down even further by adding steps to make that thing a reality
Could you train to be an SEN teacher (sorry assuming your not already but teaching doesn't pay badly) you clearly have loads of skills you can draw, on working with SEN kids isn't the simplest job in the world. Do your parents make you pay rent/ towards bills at the moment? If so how much - as you are already having to budget for that iyswim.
You haven't screwed your live up you just need to start taking some control back - do you have friends/ siblings who can help you do this?
If you have experience with special needs children what about looking for extra respite work. A friend of mine used to do overnight stays with a family to give them some sleep. It paid quite well.
I'm sure you will be able to make changes and once you start hopefully it will snowball for you into a whole new life.
Would you consider applying to be a live-in nanny? Your SEN experience would be valuable for some families. You could experience living away from your parents without having to worry about bills at this point.
Your parents have done you a great disservice.
As a young single person with no home ties I think you should reconsider applying to be cabin crew. Go see the world!
Its a tough job but you'll meet new people and see new places and best of all, be out of your toxic environment!
This sounds silly, but am I not too old to be cabin crew now? They are usually pretty young aren't they?
You need to travel!
Seriously, instead of seeing your single life and lack of responsibilities as a bad thing, see it as an opportunity!
If I were you, I would look into teaching English abroad.
I have a friend who was worked in Vietnam, South Korea and India, to name a few.
I know she taught English before becoming a yoga instructer. She'd be your age and is a wanderer at heart.
She has an amazing, beautiful life and you can too.
Many start young but there's many do it as a life long career. A friend of mine has been doing it since he qualified after leaving school and is now nearing 40.
Travel broadens the mind and if it's something you've always fancied doing then you CAN incorporate your job into your dream and as other posters have said teach abroad.
Have you looked into TEFL as a start point of even TEFL for SEN kids?
This is the biggest cliche ever, but the world IS your oyster. Set yourself some goals for 2016; having milestones that are both achievable and measurable can boost self-esteem like nothing else.
One last point; I am sure you love your parents v v much and likewise, but you HAVE GOT TO put your life first. Seeing you blossom and grow into a confident and fulfilled person will probably be as beneficial for them as it will be for you in the long term, no matter how anxious your (what I hope becomes a) big adventure of self-discovery may make them (or you) in the short term.
Take this from one who knows! X
Use your sen experience and look at teaching abroad. Do you get school holidays? Why not use your 6 weeks to do travelling with volunteering? Work out budgeting - lots of apps available and decide what's important for you to achieve (not what you think others want you to do but what you want to do).
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