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AIBU?

I just want to be a Mother

54 replies

FlowersAndShit · 31/12/2015 21:23

That's all, I just want to be able to be a mum, have my own family. It's the one thing that has always kept me going and made me hopeful for the future. I have MH issues (depression, anxiety, autism) so it's probably not a good idea. I've never been in a relationship as I'm a bit of a man hater. Despite how fucked up myself and my own family is, I reckon i'd be a really good mother. I've never even had a relationship and have considered using a sperm donor, I'm 25. Please don't tell me I have plenty of time, because I really don't.

I have endometriosis and adenomyosis so I probably won't be able to have children very easily. I don't understand what I did to deserve all of these problems. I don't have a single friend in this world, and i'm heartbroken. I just want the family I never had, and promised to give myself. I feel like i'll always be on the outside looking in.

OP posts:

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LordBrightside · 31/12/2015 21:26

Bless you.

At 25 though there's a lot of potential for things to get better. I never suffered to the degree you have, but from my mid 20s on I grew into myself and life got a lot better.

The fact that you want things to change is very significant. Choose change and choose to be happy along the way, slowly but surely you will get there

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2015 21:28

You do have plenty of time, and having a child on your own is really hard, especially if you've got vulnerable mental health.

Focus on getting healthy and see what happens over the next few years.

hedgehogsdontbite · 31/12/2015 21:30

Don't write yourself off just yet. I have autism too. I was in my 30s when I met my DH and in my 40s when DS was born.

I'm rubbish at caring for myself but have no problems caring for my son because it's driven by love not necessity.

MoMoTy · 31/12/2015 21:32

KohINoorPencil · 31/12/2015 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 31/12/2015 21:37

I'm sorry you're sad. But you should never have a child to bring you out of depression and into happiness. Motherhood is bloody hard, involves enormous sacrifice and is full of guilt and anxiety. Yes it's wonderful too, but you MUST get yourself entirely healthy before you have a child. For the sake of both you and that child.

I grew up with a mother with significant MH issues that she didn't address. It was a long way from easy. We are NC.

Of course people with MH issues can be good parents but you must look to those problems first. Hating men is not a healthy view, nor is looking for replacement familial affection by creating a new life. Please access some help and get well. I'm truly sorry you feel so desperate.

PuntasticUsername · 31/12/2015 21:43

"I don't have a single friend in this world"

Hey, that's no way to talk about us lot

Unmumsnetty hugs to you. I can't imagine how you're feeling, but I'm sorry things are so awful for you right now

FairyFluffbum · 31/12/2015 21:49

I will be the first to admit I had my first child to help with depression...

I was desperate for a child and I had just met my dh.

We got pregnant pretty quick but lost the firsts

Was pregnant with dd 3 months later. Luckily it all worked out for me really.

I usually hate men and get fed up of them after a while but something about my dh just clicked.

I was 25 when I had my dd. I don't have mental health issues though

Don't ever think it will never happen. Anything is possible (I know how cliche)

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 31/12/2015 21:52

I know from your previous threads that you suffer with MH issues - you say so yourself here - and I do mean this most kindly but I really really thing you need to get yourself in a better place before you have a child. Do this for both of your sakes. I wish you well.

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 31/12/2015 21:53

think not thing ffs - [idiot]

xmasseason · 31/12/2015 21:53

Mmmmcake123 · 31/12/2015 21:54

to let you know people on mn care and wish you well!!!!!

FlowersAndShit · 31/12/2015 21:54

Thank you, everyone

Picalilli I don't expect having a child would cure my depression or make me happy. It would bring a lot of joy and contentment to my life and probably a lot of difficulty too. People have children for selfish reasons - because they want them. I'm very self-aware of my problems and how they could affect any children I may have. Most women want children, I may never recover from my mh issues, so does that mean I shouldn't have children? I believe I have a lot of love to give and my struggles will make me a better mother than if I hadn't experienced those struggles.

OP posts:

Chamonix1 · 31/12/2015 21:56

I didn't want to read and run. Your post made me feel so sad.
Please don't write yourself of, you are 25!
The most important thing here is you, look after you, and value you! You are just as deserving of happiness as anyone else, try and focus on your own health and things will improve.
Please don't write yourself off, instead focus on yourself.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 31/12/2015 22:05

Just what Chamonix1 said.

Mmmmcake123 · 31/12/2015 22:15

Treat yourself this year in the way you would treat your child to come in the future. It will be good practise for the baby you are hoping to have and is a good first step to self healing.
By that I mean that every time you are worried about something, reassure yourself the way you would reassure your own son or daughter if they were worried.
If you have negative thoughts, again, tell yourself that things are not so bad. Point out the brighter side to yourself as if you would if your child expressed those same thoughts to you.
If you are unsettled treat yourself to say, a trip to the cinema, or a walk through the park, all things that moms do to help their children when they are unhappy.
If you have prescribed meds, make sure you take them, as you would make sure if your child needed them. If you forget, do not berate yourself, just think, it's OK honey, you are only human, you forgot, let's get back on track.
Be kind to yourself and teach yourself to appreciate who you are.
Once this becomes habit, you may feel slightly less depressed and anxious.
All good practice in the plan for getting ready to love future miniflowers.

FlowersAndShit · 31/12/2015 22:32

Thank you all for your kindness

Mmmmcake Thank you I hope to post about any future miniflowers, right here on mn

OP posts:

MoMoTy · 31/12/2015 22:36

Mmmmcake123 Lovely post

jacks11 · 31/12/2015 22:55

OP

I am so sorry that things seem so bleak for you. It must be a hard position to be in and having so little support must be really tough. I don't wish to sound trite, but you really never do know what the future will bring. I hope it brings health and happiness to you, but right now I think your focus needs to be on you and getting your health in the best possible place and learning to like yourself.

I can see you long for a child and I don't wish to be unkind, but I agree with others who say that perhaps you need to put this on hold for a bit- both for your sake and that of any child(ren) you may have. Although it is true that there is rarely a "perfect time" to have children, with you feeling the way you do right now in the context of underlying mental health issues it may be better to wait until you are in a more stable place before bringing another life into this world.

I'm sure you do have a lot to offer a child, and would love him or her very much, but it's hard doing it alone without support from family or friends. Sometimes, though, love alone is not enough- children need stability for example.

I know from experience (professional, not personal) that parental mental health issues can cause long-lasting issues for children when those health issues are not well managed- however much their parents loved their child. I am NOT saying people with mental health problems should not have children or cannot be good parents, because that is just not true.

What I am saying is that whilst children do bring a lot of joy, they should not be used as a sticking plaster or panacea for your feelings of loneliness or as a replacement for familial affection. I have seen the outcome of this, and it can be a very hard, and damaging, road for the child (and often for the parent too).

Agree also "man-hating" is not ideal place to be in when contemplating children- what if you have a son? I'm sure you would love him very much and certainly wouldn't hate him, but what messages will you send him (however unconsciously) if you are a "man-hater"?

I'm sorry to be so negative and I really don't want to upset you or make you feel worse. I hope that you can focus on yourself for now and get yourself as well as you can, so that you are able move forward with your life from a place of stability and health.

thelifeofamber · 31/12/2015 22:58

I'm 25 and wow this thread has depressed me.

Never realised that its too late and my life is over now because I'm not married and have children.

Thanks for that!

FairyFluffbum · 31/12/2015 23:02

It's not Amber

Some women feel the need to have children early. Some want to wait

Jengnr · 31/12/2015 23:06

At 25 I felt the same. At 28 my fiance left me and made me feel it ten times harder. I don't have autism but I did have depression, convinced I had no time, nobody was ever going to love me etc.

Three weeks short of my 31st birthday I met my now husband. And he's not some wanker I settled for (unlike his two predecessors). At 33 Imarried him. At 34 I had my son and I was just short of 37 when my daughter was born in August.

The self hate/blame/depression spiral is awful but you really need to sort it out to be able to move on. See a doctor, get some cbt or other therapy and work on your self esteem. It will help. I promise. xx

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FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 23:07

For you
Please dont be sad. We are your friends. Come on here for a chat. Dont think you are alone. We all have our problems/issues and worries too. Our lives are far from perfect.

Mmmmcake123 · 31/12/2015 23:11

Flowers, I am so glad you liked my post and feeling excited about the prospect of minflowers in the future and updates on mn. Don't let any worriers on here make you think you can't do it!
We're all pretty basic underneath and all need to feel love and deliver it.
I wish you so so much, try to be a little bit patient, love yourself because you deserve it and get practising xxx

memyselfandaye · 31/12/2015 23:17

Im almost 41, with a 4yr old, you really do have time.

25 is so young.

You say your'e a man hater, what if you had a son?

Don't write off all men, they aren't all bastards.

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