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AIBU?

To call it a day and LTB

57 replies

BlackEyed · 15/12/2015 22:55

I am so ready to end my relationship and just don't know what to do.

DP is just ridiculously last, selfish, irresponsible and I can't cope anymore. We've had issues over and over and millions of false promises that never last and I'm starting to feel like it's got to the end of the line.

I have told DP how I felt a few days ago, I'm a full time student and she is a SAHM. I've recently failed a test due to having no revision time as there is always something that needs doing.

The kids miss medical appointments left, right and centre and end up being kicked off, childcare fees haven't been paid in 3 months because she forgot so that's a huge bill before Xmas, I had to get Christmas presents as she hadn't done any shopping at all, it's just constant.

At the same time I'm desperately trying to catch up on my uni work, complete my almost due assignments and actually pass this course! I started this to give us a future as its vocational and leads to a job. Preciously we were both long term unemployed. I need to pass this course to give the kids a decent future.

She says she's supportive but then doesn't realise I have to pick up the slack constantly for what she doesn't do and that's massively affecting my ability to study.

She is a SAHM by choice as she doesn't want to work (never really has) and has 3 children. 2 are in their teens and make their own way to school and back and 1 is a toddler who goes nursery 3 days a week. That gives her 3 full days child free and as the older children see their dad another 3 days a week with just one child to deal with. It isn't like she's being asked to do a lot.

She seemed to understand this when we spoke last week and we've had a lovely few days. Today has been final straw for me though.

I said I was working all day Monday and Tuesday, which means sat in my room distraction free to get my assignments done. That was all fine. Tuesday she decides to go shopping, also fine little one is in nursery.

But then she forgot to order the shopping delivery so we have no food at all, haven't been able to eat all day. I'll go when I get back she says, fine.

5pm comes and little one needs collecting from nursery so I have to stop working and do that. They decided to go for food after shopping. Then tea needs sorting and usual tidying up etc. Bedtime comes around and I have that to sort, youngest sobbing because mummy isn't here and she wants to show her the present Santa gave her today.

At least then I can get back to work now kids are in bed. She finally swans in at half 9 wondering why I'm so annoyed. I told her I needed to work, she knows I'm failing, she knows how important this is and yet she didn't think to get back and take over child duties so I could work as planned. She didn't even need to go shopping she just got dragged along and normally hates shopping ffs!

I'm literally ready to end it. I can't do this course with her living her and nothing's ever going to change. If something doesn't matter to her then she forgets it or ignores it. Feeling so hurt and angry.

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BathtimeFunkster · 15/12/2015 22:59

You are a student and she is a SAHM and you have childcare bills?

Talk me through that again.

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LineyReborn · 15/12/2015 23:03

You don't sound at all compatible tbh, and I imagine the childcare bills are huge?

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AnyFucker · 15/12/2015 23:06

I am not really following. Why do need childcare ?

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AnyFucker · 15/12/2015 23:06

*you

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WorraLiberty · 15/12/2015 23:06

Did she not answer her phone while she was out? If not, what was her reason?

Is the toddler yours or are you step dad/step mum to all 3 kids?

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BlackEyed · 15/12/2015 23:11

Yes we have childcare bills, youngest goes nursery 3 full days a week to give her a break (plus I wanted her to be able to socialise as DP never takes her out the house).

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BitchPeas · 15/12/2015 23:11

Why is the toddler is full time nursery 3 days a week? Where was she today?

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Skullyton · 15/12/2015 23:12

i think you'll find they probably have to pay for some of the 3 full days!

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BlackEyed · 15/12/2015 23:13

Yes she does answer her phone but i don't ring as she tells me of that she can never go anywhere without me ringing. I rang at 6 and explained It was hard to work with toddler and was told she would be home ASAP. Didn't expect it to be 3 and a half hours! But now I'm the bad guy for daring to be pissed off!

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WorraLiberty · 15/12/2015 23:16

Is the toddler your child?

It has to be said, going on what you've said so far she does appear to be taking the piss massively.

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whois · 15/12/2015 23:17

Are the children yours? Has she always been like this?

She sounds like a lazy so and so and I don't really see what benefit you get to living with her?

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LineyReborn · 15/12/2015 23:18

I think the financial strain must be crippling. How do you manage?? Shock

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BathtimeFunkster · 15/12/2015 23:20

You are paying for 3 full days of nursery so an unemployed woman who never wants to work can have a "break"?

Come the fuck on. That's crazy talk.

At least that investment should make it hard for her to claim she is the primary caregiver.

She's a dick. Of course you should not stay with her. What a pisstake.

SAHM my arse.

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fatowl · 15/12/2015 23:29

Sorry, but you DP is being female equivalent of a cocklodger.

You evidently have not a lot of money coming apart from your student loan? Or you are living on savings, but either way, three full days at childcare is not on, unless there is a huge back story.

I was a SAHM for 8 years. The dc went to nursery attached to the local primary school for free once they were 3 1/2-ish.
Paying for nursery is bonkers in your situation.

Apart from "not wanting to", what is her reason for not working (at least part time?)

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BlackEyed · 15/12/2015 23:30

Yes same sex relationship both our child.

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whois · 15/12/2015 23:33

Nightmare. Since the child is yours you're forever entwined with her.

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BlackEyed · 15/12/2015 23:33

She's never really worked, the odd job here and there but always quits. She has no experience and no skills. We spent years living on benefits and handouts until I started this course and did something about it.

This is our best shot at a future but how can in happen with her in it? I love her so much but she's just like another child and makes life so much harder!

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cosytoaster · 15/12/2015 23:38

She sounds extremely lazy and doesn't seem to be contributing much to the relationship, I think I would leave.

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ouryve · 15/12/2015 23:39

You've posted about her before, haven't you? Similar issues?

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Iggi999 · 15/12/2015 23:44

You are moving on and she is not. She won't want you to succeed.

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TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 16/12/2015 06:58

What does she actually contribute to the relationship? SAHM my arse. My DH is a f/t uni student, I work p/t, & our DD goes to nursery only on the days I work. Like you, we realised that it's important DH gets study time without childcare interruption. However, I do the majority of the home stuff during term time (everything when he has an assignment or exam revision to do), & DH does it all during hols. We share looking after DD - bedtime, baths, general looking after, as much as possible. If one of us is ill the other steps up & does everything. DH gets a childcare grant for most of the costs of nursery.

I get almost no free time between the requirements of work & looking after DD. But, that's fine as my DH is doing well at uni & we hope he will be able to find work after - it's also a work related course (unlike my useless degree).

I don't understand why you are putting up with this. Your situation sounds so hard, your DP is taking you for a ride.

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MsVestibule · 16/12/2015 07:07

This sounds familiar, I'm sure you've posted about a similar issue before. I would find it very difficult to stay with somebody who didn't pull their weight. However, when there's a child involved, it does complicate things. Are you both legally your child's parents? Do you both have equal rights and responsibilities towards him/her? How would custody/access work, do you think?

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Enjolrass · 16/12/2015 07:08

You have posted about her before haven't you? Wanting to reduce the nursery hours to save money.

Your relationship is not ok. She isn't a sahm she is a female cocker lodger (vagina lodger doesn't have the same ring to it)

I said when you posted before, she is taking the piss.

Not just in regards to the nursery fees but she is taking the piss out of you with time.

I recall you saying she would be happy on benefits forever. She doesn't support you, your studies or your desire to give your family a better life.

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SSargassoSea · 16/12/2015 07:19

I would move out now. Once you are qualified/ earning you will be bled dry and never get rid of her.

Leave her and the teens to sort their lives out.

Shared care of the little one is better than full time when he needs to go to nursery to socialise!!

Think of the future your DC has (not good) rather than yourself.

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90sforever · 16/12/2015 07:22

OP this sounds awful, I could feel my anxiety rising just reading that as its so so stressful to fit all that in when you're both working at full capacity. You need to kick her out. But I mean, you really, really need to. Your life would be simpler x10000000 without her in it

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