To HATE "isn't he good"

[Blarblarblar]

Drives me nuts. Mr Bla is a fantastic man, I'll give him that. We share chores, childcare etc 50/50 but to me that's just right, fair it does not make him special.
I hear it so many times from friends, or on mumsnet to describe their OH "Ooh but he's really good he does the......" Insert bins, washing etc. Well why the fuck shouldn't he! Usually in conjunction with him not pulling his weight at all.
Everytime I hear "he's very good" I actually want to scream!

[TimeToMuskUp]

It's because so many men are still sat in some 1940's time warp and come home expecting their supper, a tidy home and a bit of peace while the Missus pops the kids in bed. I sometimes have friends say the same about DH and reply "no, actually, he just pulls his weight". To be honest though I wouldn't have married a lazy ape. It surprises me that so many women do. My Mums new DH is like that and I love handing him my empty mug as he leaves the room; it kills him to have to wait on a woman.

[SummerNights1986]

I heard this a lot about DH from my nan when she'd see DH with the dc.

But it's to be expected - she had babies 60 years ago in a time when men didn't really get involved as much in child raising. Even her own sons had their dc 30 years ago and didn't get involved as much as men do today. Watching dh changing nappies and feeding them was quite fascinating to her.

Nowadays, except from pensioners, I only hear the odd comment along those lines about DH - but I have also had people say directly to me 'Aw, you're really good with him' so it seems fairly equal.

[Enjolrass]

My mil says this.

My stock reply is that 'yes I am lucky, he is great. He is also lucky that I go out to work so he doesn't bare the full financial burden of the family as well.'

Because at the end of the day, we both work, so his share is half.

Dh doesn't think I should feel lucky that he does half, neither does fil. It's just life.

[mommy2ash]

I feel your pain. I feel like a co parent with my sister as her other half is so useless. He had them last weekend for half an hour as I had to drop my dd to football before I could have their two and my mom was telling me in fairness it was good of him to have them or otherwise my dd couldn't have went to football. No he isn't very good at all 14 hours vs 30 minutes when they are his kids isn't good. I also get how hard working my sis is she works 30 hours I work 40 and spend my weekends minding my nieces but she is hardworking and had a hard life but that's a whole other story

[TimeToMuskUp]

MIL was astounded that DH was at the birth of the DCs. Truly, she said only women should be there, that a man has no place in a labour suite. And she did everything for DH til the day he moved in with me. No idea how he ended up so normal, tbh.

She stayed for a few days after DS2 was born (and was a godsend) but looked aghast that I took DS1 to school a few times and left DS2 sleeping on DH's chest, because 38 years ago when she had her DCs she said men weren't hands-on at all and that her DH (who passed away many years ago) didn't even hold their DCs as babies, not once.

[MoreGilmoreGirls]

I get this too, I appreciate I am lucky because whilst I agree it is totally fair for men to pull their weight unfortunately there are still many that don't. When DH bought a new dish washer my own mother said that I was spoilt like it was a pressie for me!!!

[Blarblarblar]

It doesn't bother me quite so much from our elderly neighbour it must be different for her, she's nearly 90.
People my age though? Really.

[Blarblarblar]

What a treat for you

[tethersend]

Oh yes. Aren't you LUCKY that he does half of everything?

Err... Isn't he lucky that I do?

[ElviraCondomine]

Some men now in their 70s did their fair share of parenting.
My father was at my birth in the late 60s. He fed, changed and rocked me and my sister. He shopped, cleaned, cooked and did the laundry. I can understand why he was unusual when I was a small child, but he wasn't unique. We've had nearly 50 years of engaged fathers and shared parenting and paid work - it's a shame that so many haven't caught up. I don't blame MILs either. My grandmother was the one who taught my father to cook, clean etc because she refused to have a child who couldn't care for himself. My mother and grandmother, unsurprisingly, had a brilliant relationship because my grandmother expected my father to do his bit, and also recognised how my mother contributed by having a career.

[53rdAndBird]

I once got "Ooh, you've got him well trained!" because he changed a nappy.

I despair.

[Trills]

That's what you're SUPPOSED to do.

Warning: much swearing

[UntilTheCowsComeHome]

When I first got married my nan asked me what DH's favourite meals were. I told her what he liked and she said "ooh aren't you a lovely wife cooking all those meals"
When I pointed out that I was out at work in the evenings and DH was cooking for himself, she found it hilarious and cried laughing for ages.

She thought I was such an oddity.

[Trills]

(2:20 has the good bit)

[Oysterbabe]

I only really hear this from the older generations. It seems most men and women my age (34) realise that the children are the responsibility of both.

[Trills]

I'd love to be a dad.

Much more so than being a mum.

If you do, say, 30% of all child-related labour (including mental labour) you feel pretty good about yourself. People tell you "well done". Your partner probably thinks you are "good".

Because the assumption that children are mainly the woman's responsibility does seep into our consciousness. Even those of us who intellectually think things should be 50%, how we feel about it is influenced by everything we've seen and heard in the decades we've been listening and looking.

[Enjolrass]

On the other hand my friend is a Muslim man.

His fil thinks it's actually disgusting that he does half and will not eat anything my friend cooks as he believes it's women's work.

He will sit while everyone else is eating and refuse to join in.

So it could always be worse

[Crabbitface]

When folk tell me that their husbands are "babysitting"! ?

[Thaisa]

What Elvira says is true, some men have always been hands on. My granda (born in 1895) was a Durham miner. He used to get home from his shift and pitch in with housework and childcare straight away. I think he was very unusual but not unique.
My mother got a terrible shock when she realised that not all men were like her dad. My own father was not in any way hands on.

DH worked very long hours for most of his career but was always up for sharing the work when he was home. His father was a complete wart, who boasted that he'd never touched a vacuum cleaner or sweeping brush in his life.

He once said to DH that a man should either be at work or relaxing at home, thinking of work.

[Finola1step]

I'm not so sure if it is always a generation thing. More of a family thing.

My sisters and I were all born in the early 70s. Dad worked a really long week but he was still very hands on when he was home. I remember Dad washing up, hoovering etc. He was a rubbish cook though. My mum always worked too.

But maybe my mum's expectations were different. Her Dad was a single Dad after leaving the Army after WW2. With 4 children. So he had to do everything.

My MIL on the other hand became a housewife the day she married. Even though there were no children for 5 years. My FIL was very hands off, as was her own Dad. Both men never even had to make a cup of tea as there was always a woman around in the kitchen somewhere.

I know many women my own age who do everything within the home. And then refer to the husband as "babysitting" when he is with his own dc on his own.

My MIL thought it all ever so modern that dh not only changed nappies but could even make up a bottle. And he was capable of getting up in the night for feeds etc. But then DH didn't want to be like his own Dad.

So the generation thing does come into it. But so do family experiences and expectations.

[Blarblarblar]

trills I enjoyed that. I think it has seeped in often it is seen as woman's domain.
And yes the fucking babysitting are you shitting me! It's your child!
I'm currently bbsitting while DH has a lie in, I better get paid.

[lorelei9]

Blar, I was thinking I only see this on MN and no one says it in real life unless they're over...70? That said, I have an elderly rellie (90s) who wouldn't say it either.

I didn't even date men who weren't proper adults - if I saw a messy home or got a whiff of "oh woe is me, I am helpless" I just didn't bother. Why would anyone - I am mystified that these men-children find partners. And even worse when it's malicious - there's a horribly sad thread going on with a lady who has SPD, is on crutches etc and her partner still does nothing round the house.

[chilledwarmth]

I don't get it, you just should share stuff. Not saying there has to be an exact split or be all scientific about it, but both pull your weight and do what you can, clean up after yourself as well. That's just normal isn't it?

[SummerNights1986]

I'm not so sure if it is always a generation thing. More of a family thing. My sisters and I were all born in the early 70s

Of course it's a generational thing.

You were born in the 70's - the concept of the 'new man' was already in place and things were changing.

Had you and your sisters been born in the 30's or 40's I suspect your mum would have had a vastly different experience.

Of course there were exceptions and i'm sure that anyone could dig up a few examples of 1920's men that were hands on and single handedly raised kids etc. But it was by no means the norm.

[catkind]

Ha, when I read the title I thought you were talking about about babies, it's pretty annoying there too.
I'm the WOHP in our house. Shall now demand pats on the head for lifting the (too occasional) finger around the house or with the kids. Aren't I good preen.