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So she just gets away with it.

(56 Posts)
PaleBlueDot Tue 24-Nov-15 15:05:35

DP & I have had an awful 3 weeks.
His ex-wife decided that he was no longer having contact with his 3 kids.
They have lived with us one week on, one week off for 2 years.

It started when DP couldn't collect them earlier (for genuine reasons) to enable her to go to a show. She told DP that because of his unreasonable behaviour in collecting the kids he would not see them at all!

DP went to collect as normal and the children had been shipped off to her mothers.
Her new husband gave him a barrage of abuse 'I'm a better dad than you' etc etc

DP came home from this and sobbed his heart out. And has been crying a lot lately due to missing his kids.

Of course we spoke to a solicitor who wrote to ex-wife. But for 3 weeks she has kept DP from seeing the boys - he has not been allowed to go round, has not been allowed to collect them for extra-curricular stuff, no phonecalls, nothing.

Me and DP being msierable, DD constantly asking where her 'brothers' are and me having to explain that they are spending time with mummy and will be home one day soon.

So yesterday, a message comes out the blue that DP can collect this weekend and all to go back to week on week off as normal!

We are of course over the moon and cannot wait to see them.

I cannot believe what she has put us through these past weeks, no apology, no explanation and now all must go back to normal because she has seen fit to 'allow' DP to see his kids.

We have made a payment on account (£500) at the solicitors, and they have only used 1.5 hours. We should have got 8 hours. I suggested using the remaining to get something formal in writing so that she couldn't pull another stunt like this, but DP says No, he doesn't want to rock the boat!

So she can whip the kids away any moment, I try to pick up the pieces and then it's all lovely again. Who can live like this?

AIBU to be a little peeved?

HackerFucker22 Tue 24-Nov-15 15:07:18

Was this a one off?

PaleBlueDot Tue 24-Nov-15 15:09:56

It's been threatened at least 6 times in 2 years. But never actually happened before.
And it always revolves around her not getting her own way.

coffeeisnectar Tue 24-Nov-15 15:12:25

Get this formalised. What a nasty woman for using her dc in this way.

wasonthelist Tue 24-Nov-15 15:12:30

Yanbu. My ex thinks (and acts as if) she is gatekeeper of access to DD and any contact depends on jumping through whatever hoops she places.

I observed on another thread that there is zero enforcement for this kind of thing.

We need a new system that deals with access and with non-payers of maintenance ( separate but important issue). We are being badly served by lawyers and politicians of all shades.

MissFitt68 Tue 24-Nov-15 15:13:21

Solicitors can't enforce anything, he would have to take it to court. And that will cost thousands

FannyFanakapan Tue 24-Nov-15 15:14:57

Use the solicitor and get it completely set in stone. She may hate it but if it's in a court order, she will be in breach if she pulls this stunt again. And she will. Then she can explain to a judge.

PaleBlueDot Tue 24-Nov-15 15:17:18

I was thinking along the lines of a signed parenting plan at the very least.

Going by the advice we have received recently a court would judge based on the status quo and a signed agreement would go a long way towards any future case.

In any case, courts rule that mediation should be attempted first.

It's just horrible to do this to someone, to cause so much turmoil in a short space of time and then all is ok again

HaydeeofMonteCristo Tue 24-Nov-15 15:21:01

How anyone could use their dc to get their way like this I don't know. I guess like many things shared parenting relies on both parties being decent human beings unless someone involves the courts.

Very shitty for you and dh I know.

MotherofFlagons Tue 24-Nov-15 15:25:12

A friend of mine is in the same boat. He's tried going down the solicitor route but he doesn't have the money and all the while letters are being written back and forth, he's not allowed to see the kids. It's happened a number of times, usually because his exW has decided to withhold access to punish him for not getting her own way with something. It's incredibly sad.

BlueJug Tue 24-Nov-15 15:25:45

I agree. I often see it supported on here though.

PaleBlueDot Tue 24-Nov-15 15:30:22

Decent humans indeed.

It is so shitty that she can just whip them away like that, DP did consider going to collect from school and keeping hold of them, but that would just cause a scene which the dc absolutely do not want to see.

What would happen if DP did not take them back to mums when instructed and kept hold for three weeks, there would be uproar!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shoeaddict83 Tue 24-Nov-15 15:33:06

we are in the same boat too. my OH has 2 kids and his ExW uses them as pawns to get at him, I suggested getting a proper agreement in place but hes scared to rock the boat too as shes already moved away with them just far enough that hes still able to pick them up at weekends, but hes s*t scared she'll move further away to stop him seeing them as often if he pushes it, so he lets her do what she likes and we basically have to revolve our plans around her. Its disgusting how some parents use the kids when the issue is with the ex partner not the children.
I know this isnt helpful as i dont really have any advise to offer, just thought id say you aren't alone - unfortunately this behaviour is all too common sad i hope it gets easier for you

Janeymoo50 Tue 24-Nov-15 15:42:08

As much as you don't want to rock the boat, you/DP need to get things formally arranged - for all your sakes including the boys. It will/might only get worse and now she had done it once, she could well do this again (say at Chrismas etc) and emotional blackmail like that is so awful - it will always hang over your heads. You need to protect yourselves and the kids from this happening again.

KeepOnMoving1 Tue 24-Nov-15 15:45:22

What a bitch. Your dp should definitely get something formal as she thinks she probably can do this again when she doesn't get her way. He shouldn't be scared of her, it's what she's counting on. Poor kids being kept from their dad, not fair on either of them.

Jux Tue 24-Nov-15 16:03:28

Get a formal agreement.
Keep notes, dates times of threats etc., agreements, and so on.

Having done it, if nothing happens and you just go along with it, she'll do it again. Put a stop to it now. Look on it as a child having a tantrum because you've told her she can't have a biscuit, you don't then just giveher a biscuit, do you?

Scoopmuckdizzy Tue 24-Nov-15 16:05:03

I know where you're coming from. DH's ex did exactly this a few months ago- he went to collect as usual and she said he wasn't allowed to see them for some reason. It lasted 3 weeks before she decided actually yes he is allowed to see them again. They are teens and told to DH to just go along with it as it will blow over sooner. It's sad that even DSC know not to rock the boat but I suspect they have learnt this from DH's reluctance to stand up to her over the years.

Maryz Tue 24-Nov-15 16:06:12

What has she told the kids?

If she has told them that Daddy didn't bother to collect them because he didn't want to, then I think you have to get it formalised to stop it happening again.

BUT I wouldn't do it just yet. Wait until after Christmas in case she does it again.

Now she's done it once, if she's allowed to get away with this controlling & unpleasant behaviour, she'll think she can do it again. Just like any kind of abuse, it needs to be stopped before she gets worse.

WorraLiberty Tue 24-Nov-15 16:18:30

Sadly I know too many women who have done the same thing OP.

As soon as something hasn't gone their way, they've either threatened to stop access or they've stopped it for a few weeks as a 'punishment'.

My friend's son is going through the same thing with his abusive ex.

PaleBlueDot Tue 24-Nov-15 16:18:36

No idea what she has told kids, on one of her messages she stated 'have told kids and they are ok with it'

Kids are 4,6,8 years old. How could they possibly be ok. Especially given the past two years.

solicitors have just sent through a draft separation agreement which states the children's access times etc. It will be a fight to get her to sign I expect

But yes, perhaps after Christmas would be best, except that the agreement refers to alternate Christmas eves in both homes

She has already point blank refused Christmas eve. Despite asking us to have them for all Christmas and new year as she wanted to go away with new husband but these plans fell through

Her most recent position is that she will have them every Christmas eve as she has traditions.

Traditions were not that important when she was planning her festive getaway

I do seem bitter don't I? It's just the heartache she has imposed on us

Italiangreyhound Tue 24-Nov-15 16:26:13

PaleBlueDot this ... Going by the advice we have received recently a court would judge based on the status quo and a signed agreement would go a long way towards any future case. sounds good.

I agree with Maryz not to do anything until after Christmas.

I think getting something in writing would be good.

But does DP agree?

I must say if you dp doesn't want to do this (take anything further) than you are best placed (IMHO) to follow his lead. It has been hard for you and your dd and your dp (and the boys) but it is your dp's decision to call it.
If your Dp is not on board with any action and it causes a rift between him and ex wife this rift could affect you and dp.

It IS totally unfair.

It IS wrong for her to get away with this.

It IS wrong for her husband to lambaste the boy's father, your dp, with unkind words......

But to take away his decision making in the process and force things could be detrimental. Your dp must feel terrible and may feel very dis- empowered (and scared) by all this. Please work with him to find a good solution.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 24-Nov-15 16:30:33

But I'd think that anything done without a court order isn't really worth the paper it's printed on, is it?

I'm not sure what you mean by a 'draft separation agreement' since it appears they're already divorced, but I wouldn't waste my solicitor's retainer fee on sending 'letters' or asking her to sign an 'agreement' with no real power. I'd rather use that money to start legal proceedings and get a court order signed by a judge.

seasidesally Tue 24-Nov-15 17:03:31

women that stop contact for a short while resume contact as they soon realise that it eats into their "me time"

op it sounds a very sad situation for your family

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