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To not go to this wedding? (Long)

(70 Posts)
Belfalas Tue 24-Nov-15 11:22:15

I have NC'd for this as it's massively identifying.

Long background to this, will try to sum it up briefly.

DBro had an affair, 18 months ago, SIL found out. I was there when the confrontation happened between them. This seemed to bring me in to the argument when I would rather have been nowhere near! DB made all sorts of excuses, said it was a one night stand. Kept stringing SIL on for a while, until she realised he was still seeing OW and then filed for divorce. They have been divorced for a couple of month now.

A few weeks ago I found out via the scan picture on facebook that DB and OW are expecting a baby. I was a little upset that he didn't bother telling me himself, but he doesn't really contact me at all lately, so wasn't that surprised.
I messaged my congratulations to him. He messaged back something along the lines of "Thanks, at least you're pleased for me. Unlike our selfish mother". I called my mum and it turns out that she also found out via facebook and couldn't understand why he wouldn't tell her she had another grandchild on the way.

A few days later, my immediate family all got a text from DB inviting us to his wedding. It's the first week of January, 250 miles away from where we all live (including DB) on a Thursday. DM is really upset as she can't take any time off work that soon after christmas. She explained that to DB and he said if she was a 'proper' mother that she'd do whatever she could to be there. She said if it was the weekend then of course she'd come.

I have also had to decline. My DD is starting nursery that week, I will be with her for her settling in sessions. DH can't take time off of work so soon after Christmas. DS has SN and the first few weeks of any term are extremely important for settling him back in to his routine and I'm not willing to risk messing that up. I also will find it extremely hard to afford to travel that far 2 weeks after Christmas.

DB is now refusing to speak to me. According to him I am as selfish as my mother and I obviously just don't agree with the wedding so I'm not going to go.
That's not true at all, they are getting married and having a baby. It's obviously more than a one night stand! Ultimately, I just want him to be happy. My opinion on how their relationship started is irrelevant.

I should probably also point out that none of us have met DB's Fiancée. Even though I have asked many times and even arranged a close family night out, which they didn't turn up to.

Well done if you got this far! I'm feeling guilty now, I don't know if maybe I should try to figure out a way to go or not?

Epilepsyhelp Tue 24-Nov-15 11:24:43

Nope. Your reasons for not going are totally solid. He is being an arse and you should not feel guilty.

CheesyNachos Tue 24-Nov-15 11:25:37

I agree with Epilepsy.

WorraLiberty Tue 24-Nov-15 11:25:40

YANBU to not go. Your DB is not the most important person in the world (although he might be the most self entitled!)

I'd be surprised if your Mum couldn't get time off work to attend her son's wedding, but that of course is entirely up to her.

He really doesn't sound very nice anyway.

ThisPasadenaHomemaker Tue 24-Nov-15 11:26:44

Your "D"Brother sounds like a hateful prick.

YANBU to not go. And neither is your mum.

Jibberjabberjooo Tue 24-Nov-15 11:27:44

Your db is being an arse. I'd be telling him straight.

TheWitTank Tue 24-Nov-15 11:28:34

I find it really strange he is so offended when he hasn't made the effort to introduce her to any of you. I too would struggle massively to attend at the beginning of January with work (we close over Christmas so first weeks back are manic), school, the expense of presents, kennelling the dogs etc.
I would probably ignore his huff, ask if they would like to meet up for dinner at some point before the wedding to celebrate and leave the ball in his court.

OurBlanche Tue 24-Nov-15 11:32:29

Don't do anything now. Sit down and work out what you really want to do.

You could just write him a letter, a real one, not an email. Tell him that you are so pleased for him, but were a bit taken aback to find out the baby via fb. Tell him that you would like nothing better than to attend his wedding but the timing and short notice has made it really difficult and that you and your DH need time to think through the logistics.

Tell him you love him, you want him to be happy but you cannot jump to at such short notice and that, whilst you can see that he will see any non attendance as a personal snub, you really do not feel that way, you love him.

It is clear, from your post, that he is aware that he has hurt people, it may also be that they feel everyone is against them and that this is all proving their point - regardless of the fact that it is the short notice etc that is causing problems, not the wedding itself. They are well on the way to being a self fulfilling prophecy.

If necessary ring him and shout "I love you" at him a few times.

But, as an outsider, it seems that he has reached a stage where his initial guilt has turned to anger and he has decided you are all against him. You may never be able to persuade him otherwise, but that doesn't mean you need to tunr your own life upside down for him... he is an adult after all.

HermioneWeasley Tue 24-Nov-15 11:36:41

It doesn't sound like anything you do will be good enough for your brother.

Do what is right for your family, and support your poor mum

wowfudge Tue 24-Nov-15 11:39:07

I think Blanche might have hit the nail on the head. He acts like a selfish tosser to his ex, his mother and his sister yet it's everyone else who is selfish? He's lucky any of you are still talking to him after all that.

Leelu6 Tue 24-Nov-15 11:40:50

YANBU. Did OW know he was married with kids?

I wouldn't reward this behaviour by attending their wedding, especially if he doesn't talk to you much and attending is very inconvenient for you.

reni2 Tue 24-Nov-15 11:42:39

YANBU. Your priorities are probably your dc, dh, parents, brother. He picked an inconvenient venue at a crucial time for your dc's education. Your reasons are valid, I would write to him restating them.

I think he, and possibly SIL-to-be, want a reason to be the victims in all this and his family not turning up gives them the chance. Otherwise why not have a local or weekend wedding, it's not like your children came along after the invitation.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal Tue 24-Nov-15 11:43:01

So your brother is a complete dick, and is continuing to act like a complete dick.

Not sure what the surprise is to be honest.

He sounds like a truly awful person.

GruntledOne Tue 24-Nov-15 11:43:34

FFS, it's as if he's done all that he possibly can to make it incredibly difficult for his family to attend purely so that he can take offence. Can you suggest to him that if it were that important to him for you all to attend he would have arranged the wedding somewhere more accessible and on a weekend?

ThisPasadenaHomemaker Tue 24-Nov-15 11:44:36

"Ring him and shout "I love you"?? hmm

Personally I'd be ringing exSIL and offering her my love and support.

What a turd.

OurBlanche Tue 24-Nov-15 11:47:32

I'm sure that helped OP decide how to deal with her brother, who she has said she loves.

OP can support both DB and exSIL, she doesn't have to hate either of them. Such stuff happens to many people. The world isn't really the black and white/right and wrong we might want it to be.

TPel Tue 24-Nov-15 11:50:39

I am totally with you on this one OP.

I find it odd he expects you all to turn up to his marriage and celebrate when you haven't even met his fiancée.

Belfalas Tue 24-Nov-15 11:54:25

Well, that's made me feel better! Thank you for all the replies.

I like your idea of a letter Blanche although I'm sure he'd still find a way to take offence.

I do feel that they have the 'Us against the world' mentality, but surely having a baby and getting married is the time to grow up a little and stop all of this.

I do not agree with DB having an affair. I do not agree with the way he treated SIL after she found out. He knows this. Because I told him, I have also told him that it is his life and if OW is a permanent part of it then I'd really like to get to know her. So if he can take on board my disappointment with his actions, why can't he take on board the fact that we'd like to meet her?

kissmethere Tue 24-Nov-15 11:55:02

If be telling him to jog on and stop trying to guilt his family to attend his very inconvenient wedding.
He sounds like a dick head:

pearpotter Tue 24-Nov-15 11:58:22

He sounds like very hard work. YANBU.

Belfalas Tue 24-Nov-15 12:01:53

Homemaker I have kept in touch with SIL, which he is also not happy with. That's another thing I'm dreading. I haven't spoken to her since we found out about the baby and wedding. I don't know if she knows, whether I should tell her or not. I certainly don't want to be the one to upset her even more.

Leelu They don't have DC. OW was aware he was married.

eastwest Tue 24-Nov-15 12:04:02

Poor you. This sounds like a horrible situation to be caught in. I don't think yabu at all! For all the reasons above.

OurBlanche Tue 24-Nov-15 12:04:36

Of course he will still take offense. But you will not be able to reproach yourself because you have been the grown up and explained it to him and told him how you feel.

The bottom line is that you still love him, he is your brother after all. He might just need to know, forcibly, that whilst you didn't love his past behaviour, you will love him and that you want to meet his fiance/wife, you are not putting up barriers.

By the sound of it he is incredibly hard work. But if you want to try to explain it all to him, one more time then you should. But also be prepared to draw a line. Leave the ball in his court, so to speak.

CFSsucks Tue 24-Nov-15 12:06:07

YANBU. He couldn't have made the wedding more awkward for people if he tried so sod him and his overreaction. He's just defensive because he knows he did a shitty thing when he got together with OW.

Don't bend over backwards because of his tantrum. I never understand people like this. If I knew someone who threw all their toys out of the pram because people wouldn't fall into line, it would make me refuse to go even more, not find a way to do it. But then I tend to do things differently to the majority anyway.

DinosaursRoar Tue 24-Nov-15 12:05:59

I think a letter, as a formal RSVP decline, explaining yoru situation and that it's not a case that you don't want to go but can't is a good one.

It does read like he's realised the mess he's made and assumes everyone hates him now, and is 'attacking back' without stopping to think if you really are snubbing him/his new wife to be.

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