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To be sick and tired of being responsible for everything!

(54 Posts)
PurpleTreeFrog Sun 01-Nov-15 18:42:28

When I say responsible, I mean mentally responsible, for remembering, organising and delegating things. It's like, sure, DH will wash up and tidy the kitchen and look after DS and so on... but only because I've told him to.

If I went on strike, nothing would get done. If I went on strike, and we went out for a day out somewhere, our toddler would be bundled into the car with no shoes, no hat, no bag of nappies or wipes or drink or snacks.

If I went on strike, the kitchen would be permanently dirty and full of washing up. The living room would be cluttered with toys that would never get put away. Our son would watch Twirlywoos for hours on end with DH just being on his laptop, only paying him attention when he starts to grizzle. I'm positive that our bed would have stinky unwashed sheets on it for literally months if I didn't change them. Our sons bedsheets or clothes wouldn't get changed until they're visibly very very dirty. DS would never be out of pyjamas.

If I went on strike DS would eat the same two meals on constant rotation with no thought to nutritional value or variety.

If I went on strike no-one in the house would have any clean laundry until the socks and pants run out.

I feel like I do everything and it's still not enough. If something in the house goes missing or gets broken, or theres no fresh towel in the bathroom, or I leave a cleaning cloth wet and it goes smelly, or I dont have time to put the clothes out to dry immediately when theyre washed so they end up a bit damp smelling, or I accidentally leave a light on or have the heating too high, I get complained at!

Should I just go on bloody strike?!

Sometimes I think being a single mum would actually be easier as I'd be doing the same amount of work without the constant pissed off feeling that DH should take on more of the responsibility, and without the constant conflict and tension from me nagging. At least if I was a single mum DS could go and stay with DH for designated days where he would HAVE to look after him 100% giving me free time to do what I want or need.

Urgh. It's so bloody draining.

/rant

BBQueen Sun 01-Nov-15 18:52:05

I hear you, sister! My DH just doesn't think that things like clean clothes and healthy food are as important as I do, so it doesn't occur to him to sort them out. Plus, he thinks I'm ridiculous for getting stressed about having a clean house before people come to stay.

Thank you for that... Feel better after sharing your rant!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 01-Nov-15 18:56:38

Do you work?

Controversial on MN I know, but I dont and all that was my job, as far as I was concerned.

Although I would stamp on being complained at. That's not on.

Handywoman Sun 01-Nov-15 18:56:46

Correction : you'd be doing less work looking after one less child plus you would get free time Every. Other. Weekend.

I think you should seriously consider it!

PurpleTreeFrog Sun 01-Nov-15 19:01:42

I work 3 days a week but the two days I have off are not enough to get all the household jobs done when I have a 1 year old running round. We even have a cleaner once a fortnight to keep on top of the bathrooms and hoovering but I still feel like I'm only just coping.

DH went away for a few days recently for work and I still had the same amount of work to do but I actually felt MORE relaxed as I didn't have this grudge feeling all the time, I just got on with things at my own pace without feeling grumpy about having to do it. No bickering about stupid things. I could just chill. It was lovely.

I feel like I should just let the tension go but I also feel that would be unfair on me. DH does do a fair bit but I don't think it's equal and I feel like 95% of the 'mental' responsibility of knowing what needs doing and ensuring it gets done is all on me.

PurpleTreeFrog Sun 01-Nov-15 19:02:48

BBQueen Yes it's the same here. It's not just laziness, it's that they just don't think this stuff matters that much.

PUGaLUGS Sun 01-Nov-15 19:04:38

God I hear you too flowers.

DH and DS2 (DS1 away at uni now) would live in a hovel if I wasn't here. Honestly, DH wouldn't have a clue.

jellyfrizz Sun 01-Nov-15 19:06:09

YANBU

rainydaygrey Sun 01-Nov-15 19:06:13

Oh yes I hear you.

The sheets, the stinky sheets!

PUGaLUGS Sun 01-Nov-15 19:06:18

He even said earlier "oh my car needs booking in for a service"... Well fucking well book it in then angry.

Bullshitbingo Sun 01-Nov-15 19:06:32

YANBU! I could have written your post. It makes me sad

rainydaygrey Sun 01-Nov-15 19:08:50

About a month ago DP bought something with a coupon to send back for a £3 refund or similar.

Despite him doing SFA each and every day, the coupon is still sitting there waiting to be sent off.

He will NEVER do it.

CrohnicallyAspie Sun 01-Nov-15 19:09:54

I know exactly how you feel- DH is pretty good at doing stuff when I ask him to (and he wouldn't dare complain about things that I have done), but I have to do all the thinking and it's bloody exhausting.

Take this conversation today:
Me: what do you fancy doing this afternoon? The weather's nice, we could go to the park?
DH: I'm not really in the mood for the park.
Me: OK, what about <free local attraction>?
DH: that's a bit strenuous for a Sunday afternoon, isn't it?
Me: well how about <local historical house/garden>?
DH: hmmm, nah.
Me: so what do you want to do?
DH: oh, I don't mind, whatever you want to do is OK.

Argh!

dulcefarniente Sun 01-Nov-15 19:13:52

YY being a single parent now is so much easier. One less oversized child to deal with and one actual child who is learning to share the load without the need to nag. Wonderful - I can really recommend it. [Grin]

LittleFeileFooFoo Sun 01-Nov-15 19:14:58

OP, YANBU I feel your pain. I'm in the same situation, except I work full time, and I'm the one who takes ds to preschool, as is on the way to my office. I never get time to myself, even when I tell dh to play with ds so I can have some alone time they invariably end up where ever I am. It's maddening! And what's with a grown man not being able to keep track of his socks? He has about 17 pair and they are all the same color!

Secretprincess Sun 01-Nov-15 19:18:08

OP you're describing my life with xh, I worked ft but was still responsible for thinking about everything that needed doing. Once we separated, it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, I'm still responsible for every tiny decision but at least I don't feel the awful pressure of having to get it right first time every time.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Sun 01-Nov-15 19:26:27

Unless you actually want to LTB...

Tbh some people just don't think of domestic jobs as being all that important. And it's not just a male/female thing. I'm better than I used to be, and feel that as I live alone, it doesn't affect anyone else. But I will clean things that are dirty but not until they're visibly dirty and the less oftenI have to see them the less likely I am to clean them. I consider the 2nd sofa to be a perfectly reasonable place to dump bags and coats, and piles of stuff in corners.

So maybe you both need to meet in the middle. Things like healthy meals are non negotiable when DCare involved, other things won't hurt anyone, like tidying shoes away. Does he do them when you mention it? Or does he need nagging? The latter is unacceptable from a grown man tbh.

Can you go away for a weekend to give yourself a break? And to let him get on with having to do everything himself? DS won't actuallu come to harm snd you really sound like a break would do you good. Even staying with a friend or family?

Handywoman Sun 01-Nov-15 19:28:48

Single parenthood is hard, but living without the resentment, the responsibility for a man child and the feeling that nobody gives a shit about you is worth it!

......and it's several rungs above 'domestic servant' with less impact on yourself esteem.

TheSnowFairy Sun 01-Nov-15 19:49:33

Yep, I hear you too.

DH 'do you fancy going to see Spectre on Sunday?'
me 'sounds lovely, probably best if you book as DS1 went Friday and it was very busy'
DH 'ok'

aaaaaand...nothing. I booked them as I KNEW we wouldn't get in otherwise.

Good film though grin

maras2 Sun 01-Nov-15 19:53:08

Holy Christ! Does your DH have learning disabilities or MH issues? If not I've never heard such nonsense.Stop babying these silly men.

PennyHasNoSurname Sun 01-Nov-15 19:57:44

OP why have you ever decided to settle for this?

He doesnt do because he doesnt have to do.

Does he have the dc on the days you work? If not, I would seriously considering swappi g your days so he can have at least one day a week whereby he has to be you.

whirlybird42 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:02:35

I found it a lot easier as a single parent than I did when xh lived with us. The only thing I miss is the very limited practical skills he had but I save them up and pay for someone to do them.
The house is so much tidier.and I have way more time to myself grin

MrsSparkles Sun 01-Nov-15 20:02:44

God yes. I'm sure your DH like mine has many many other good qualities, but actually getting round to doing anything - hahaha. I asked him the other day what he was going to feed DD if I was in hospital a week again with baby #2 and he said pizza. I hope he was joking....

MadameJosephine Sun 01-Nov-15 20:02:49

*Single parenthood is hard, but living without the resentment, the responsibility for a man child and the feeling that nobody gives a shit about you is worth it!*

^^ this with bells on

I could have written your post 3 months ago before I got rid of the cause of my resentment. I was absolutely sick of being the only adult in my relationship, I don't mind cleaning my own mess and organising my own life but I'm fucked if I'll do it for anybody else ever again

evelynj Sun 01-Nov-15 20:04:11

I wrote a similar post a few months ago (& my dh doesn't drive yet). Some counselling sessions helped me release the fucking rage & I now make time for me-shopping days, spa treats etc.

My dh leaves clothes around the wash basket. They don't get washed. The planning days out is a pita. In winter we do less so it's less stressful in that way but still. I did say I was leaving all the Christmas gifts for his family to him this year. I've actually ended up getting most of them but he has done a bit.

It's been better recently but I once read on here about making a list of all the jobs over the year & how long they take & apportion them. My dh will be free every avo this week & he will pick the most useless & unhelpful things to do I'm sure of it, until I give him some direction, which he will then resent!

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