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to ask how you handle someone who is constantly pleading poverty...

(37 Posts)
ssd Tue 13-Oct-15 09:50:07

when you know they are far from skint? I mean you really know, not you just guessed or seen a new car in their drive or something. I know someone who constantly says she is skint, but I know shes not, please dont ask how I know I dont want to out myself.

how do you reply to their constant moaning?

VenusRising Tue 13-Oct-15 09:52:29

Ask her for a loan of 5K grin

ssd Tue 13-Oct-15 09:55:22

good idea!!

she knows our circumatsnces well and knows I know hers, yet she'll go on and on about how skint she is, I feel like telling her to shut up, but never do.

suzannecaravaggio Tue 13-Oct-15 09:55:57

offer to help her make a budget plan

or play poverty top trumps

JeffsanArsehole Tue 13-Oct-15 09:56:15

Skint means different things to different people. She might mean she's not spending on things that aren't her priority at the moment.

My friends just spent 600k on a second home and wouldn't come out for coffee last week. Her priorities have changed now and she's trying to be in more control of her day to day spendings

divere Tue 13-Oct-15 10:00:15

I have a friend who always says she can't join in with certain things because she's broke, but because she puts a lot of her earnings into a savings account straight away. So technically she isn't 'broke' because she has money, but she's ear-marked it as not to be spent on eating out etc. Could it be like that?

ssd Tue 13-Oct-15 10:02:52

I think shes just exceptionally mean, except with herself. She finds money to spend on herself whenever she wants, yet if her kids need anything she goes to her parents for it, or she totally grudges it. her parents have bailed her out all her life and now she doesnt see money as her responsibility.

ssd Tue 13-Oct-15 10:05:00

no, she doesnt save as she has a huge inheritance sitting in the bank, which she dips into when she feels like something for herself.

I wouldnt mind so much but she knows the money we are on and she knows theres no inheritance going on here yet she tells me I'm lucky to be able to afford lunch if we go out.

its beyond tiresome.

Seeyounearertime Tue 13-Oct-15 10:11:24

It depends on the type of poverty they're and what they class as 'essentials'
My SIL is a PT cleaner on Mon Wage for 18 hours a week. She loves to complain that she never has money. Strangely she spends £100ish on the full virgin package with phone, has an IPhone thingy on contract. I reckon she could save £100+ a month by just cheapening those. She also likes a drink and refuses anything but Smirmov, goes shopping and won't "lower" herself to own brands etc.

I try to explain that own brands are just as good, when she visits us that that is what she's had etc. Falls on deaf ears, so when she moans it falls on my deaf ears. Lol.

Then birthdays and xmas come and she spend lots on her grown up kids which is fair enough, our LO gets a poundland toy, we get nothing, so we get her nothing. grin

Fairiesarereal Tue 13-Oct-15 10:15:21

I'd tell her straight -
shut up you're not skint because.......

manicinsomniac Tue 13-Oct-15 10:17:44

Well, it's relative to the family, isn't it.

I know someone who's considering changing her 11 year old plan of sending her large family to one of the top public schools in the country as full boarders in favour of sending them to one of the top private day schools in the country ... 'because she's skint!' grin

I'd just nod and smile to be honest.

thelittleredhen Tue 13-Oct-15 10:20:21

Urg - my DM and me are forever playing poverty top trumps, it's a dire game.

We were both pretty skint once and she said she had no food in the house, nothing to eat, so I packed up a bag of all of the food that I had and took it round to her - pasta, rice etc

Turns out she had everything that I'd brought round already hmm

StillYummy Tue 13-Oct-15 10:21:09

I often say I am skint so I can't go out to dinner, get a new outfit etc. Basically for me it means being aware of what I have and spending it on what I want/need, not that I am off to the food bank. So if I don't want to go for dinner but I do want my nails done I may say I am to skint for the former.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Tue 13-Oct-15 10:21:54

ssd you know, I would say something, or distance yourself. Complaining about your own circumstances is one thing, but telling your friend who you know to be considerably worse off than you how lucky they are to be able to afford lunch out is taking the piss.

The next time she says it, just reply 'what do you mean by that', and wait. And watch her flounder.

Quornmakesmefart Tue 13-Oct-15 10:34:35

I would just do a huge fake yawn and start talking about something else.

ghostspirit Tue 13-Oct-15 10:35:06

i think it depends on how people mean it. i have money in my bank i make sure got food paid bills. then i buy xmas presents. then i will say just bought xmas presents skint now ffs! which wuld mean i have about a tenner in my bank but i dont care because i have done what i need to.

then i know a couple of people who moan they are skint and start with the can you leant me...erm no !

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Tue 13-Oct-15 10:35:20

I hate this.

I used to have a housemate who refused to pay the same share of council tax as the rest of us, so we ended up subsidising her. I was so broke at the time, never bought food out and if I did nothing more than a sandwich, often had to refuse offers of socialising until the next pay cheque came in, had to be bailed out by my lovely parents after an unexpected expense. Couldn't go out and let my hair down without spending the night lying awake totting up how much I'd spent and panicking that I'd overdone it. It was miserable.

She used to buy her lunch every day, go out drinking constantly, go to the theatre, buy posh makeup, and she ran a car. I wouldn't have grudged her her lifestyle, and would never have taken a backseat account of her spending habits, if she hadn't made this bloody deal about the council tax when we first moved in. It rankled with me the entire year we were living there; it was only £7 a month or something but it was the principle of the thing.

Thing was, to her she was broke, she just didn't have any self-awareness that in reality she had more disposable income, and spent more, than the rest of us with our packed lunches and evenings in. I know for a fact that £20 a month or whatever it was wouldn't have made a significant difference to her, and if she knew that all three of us still remember it and bring it up a few years later, I think she'd sincerely regret it.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 13-Oct-15 10:36:50

"Well you could buy lunch too if you wanted. But you don't. So please stop pretending you're skint as an excuse - just tell the truth! It's a bit embarrassing."

Ragwort Tue 13-Oct-15 10:41:05

I think the only response is to 'smile and nod' - nothing you can say will really make anyone listen - everyone chooses to spend their money differently (if you are lucky enough to have a choice of course). My DB & SIL are constantly moaning about how hard up they are - yet I know they earn more than DH and I (because they complained they had 'lost' child benefit) yet they spend on holidays abroad, new car every couple of years, latest phones, designer fashion, frequent meals out etc etc - they could easily choose to spend less yet the look on their faces when I commented that I buy all our clothes from charity shops was priceless. grin

bettyberry Tue 13-Oct-15 11:02:16

ragwort thats me too! I choose to buy cheaper/charity items rather than spend a fortune. I repair rather than throw out and replace. If I get bored of something I update it rather than go and buy something sparkly.

People think I am loaded because we have things to do here every weekend when the reality is I am signed up to several local events newsletters so I can find all the Free ones! grin local library and museums run lots of free kids events and it looks like I spend a lot when I spend nothing.

I am loaded but not in the monetary sense.

OP just say nothing. as frustrating as it is people like this sometimes just like to revel in the drama of it even though theyre not broke.

Although if it was me I'd be blunt and tell her where she can get good budgeting advice so she wasn't 'broke'

LoveAnchor Tue 13-Oct-15 11:31:00

I think different people mean different things when it comes to being skint, and that's kind of normal. I'm guessing the person in question is complaining that she doesn't have the discipline to cut down on luxuries / save, or that she doesn't earn enough to afford to have lunches out of her salary (as opposed to out of inheritance). I would explore what she means by saying something like 'Don't you feel like you too can afford lunches? Why not?'

colourdilemma Tue 13-Oct-15 11:45:12

All of what I'm about to say comes with a caveat of people make their own choices but...
Recently, we have been extremely cash poor because of building work being a lot more expensive than expected. I am unable to go out much and I have explained this to my lovely friends and tend to have coffee at each others houses for now. However, I explain this as being tediously cash poor rather than skint because we have largelt made choices that benefit us (extension) which admittedly hit us harder than expected. Truly skint? Not at all. And I in no way expect my friends to slow down their social lives or spending because I can't. They aren't benefitting from our extension.
I find it very difficult to hear people who are asset rich and having a fairly nice lifestyle describing temporary cash flow issues as "skint".
I do also find it hard when another friend describes herself as skint as she is a saver. Again, she's entitled to do as she pleases with her money but moaning about being skint while enjoying a cushion of financial security is a bit rich too.

noeffingidea Tue 13-Oct-15 12:25:13

It depends. If they were moaning at me because I could afford lunch then I'd probably set them straight. If they were just moaning about themselves I'd just change the subject.

Babyroobs Tue 13-Oct-15 13:54:24

Yesterday I listened to a colleauge moan about how her husband had no work, she has new baby on the way( already has 2 ), doesn't know how they are going to cope financially etc. Straight after this moan, she announces she has been looking for holidays for school holidays next summer and wants to book something but can't find anything under £4k and what on earth will they do !

Gottagetmoving Tue 13-Oct-15 13:58:40

She says she is skint - you know she is not - What is there to handle?

Just ignore it. Why does it bother you?

Some people feel insecure about money however much they have - or they worry about not having anything. Perhaps she is like that - but whatever it is, can't you just find it amusing instead of getting annoyed?

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