I'm on the autistic spectrum and I'm sick of pretending I'm not

[GreenPhone]

I'm 34. Diagnosed as high functioning aspergers years ago but try not to tell people. I hold down a responsible career. I have no debts. I'm doing ok.

But I am sick and tired, exhausted even, of pretending to be normal.

I don't like going on nights outs as I much prefer to spend saturday night on the sofa, either by myself or with ONE other person - warm, cosy, safe ... no pressure to dance, no pressure to stay looking nice ... just being me.

I don't like being in crowded areas. It stresses me out. I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to go and watch the comedian and be pushed and shoved around by other people!!

I don't like socialising in groups. I have nothing to say and am not interested in anything THEY have to say so what's the point in me being there?? leave me out of it!

But it's getting so difficult, I'm becomming less tolerant. I have many failed relationships as I have no interest in compromise of "seeing his point of view" etc etc ... I try but I don't get it!

How can anyone LIKE ready salted crisps?? I don't understand - because I don't like them. I wind myself into a state of annoyance over stuff like this because I just don't understand. Trying to understand makes me annoyed!

Recently DP was concerned that my reclusive behavior might come across as stand-offish to our friends so he told them my 'issues'. Now they don't talk to me - they talk through DP and treat me like I'm severely mentally disabled.

As it stands, I'm currently considering leaving DP because I can't be arsed pretending any longer. AIBU to just, for once, do what I want to do and be who I really am even though it would upset so many people? How can I continue pretending??

[timeforacheckup]

I know exactly what you mean and could write almost exactly the same as you have. I also try not to let anyone know but the few people I have have all said "don't be silly, of course you're not" which then makes me feel crap because I think they think I'm only saying it for attention.
I'm also fed up of pretending and making excuses for people because "that's just how they are" - why can't people except me for just how I am!
So no YANBU and I feel exactly the same!

[velourvoyageur]

Sounds like you want to isolate yourself. Would that be healthy for you or do you still see some value in getting closer to people?

sympathetic vibes from me :) I'm very lonerish but am happy with what I've got- once I accepted it wasn't something unforgivably weird it was just relaxing. When I meet people who I like being with I'm invested in the relationship, when it's people I don't care about I don't feel like making the effort (though I'll always be friendly and polite obvs)

The way your DP dealt with it doesn't sound that nice - what did he say to them to make them react like that? How rude, they talk through your DP!

[Mintyy]

Yanbu. Do what you like, behave how you like, but perhaps its not realistic to expect someone to share their life with you? Unless you find someone who is totally happy for you to do everything your way.

[Dawndonnaagain]

I'm an Aspie too. Fortunately I worked in academia, a safe place in which one can generally be oneself.
I hope things improve for you, GreenPhone, life is not terribly easy, is it.

[GreenPhone]

I kind of do want to isolate myself, I find the thought comforting. Being able to decorate exactly how I want, save money in the way that I want, obsess over little details whenever I want. My dream life would be to live alone, with a dog (which DP won't let me have). But I know I'll get lonely but the only way I want a partner is if they do everything 100% my way ... I know it sounds selfish but I can't cope with it any other way. DP has a radio on the kitchen window for example. It's the only thing he insists on having in the kitchen and I hate it, I obsess over it, when I walk into the kitchen it's all I see. Because I don't want it there and it annoys me that he won't remove it. Anyone else would just say "why should he" and I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept

[MrsLeighHalfpenny]

I'm not on the spectrum, but I don't like going out, don't like crowds, and have many other of the personality traits you described above. You don't HAVE to do stuff you don't want to, Aspetgers or not.

[jimijack]

So, my question is why bother?
Does pretending secure relationships ...that you are not keen on having anyway, make you more socially acceptable.....which doesn't interest you in the least or reduce your social anxiety?

I don't get why you would put so much effort into something that you gain nothing from.

[Suefla62]

Do what you want. If it doesn't make you happy why continue. If you want to live alone with a nice dog and you're happy what could be better. You're not hurting anyone else or doing any harm. Go for it.

[pinkstrawberries]

I think it is important you tell people. I had a set few of what people with Autism were like. There is a bias towards males, and it is such a large spectrum everyone on it is different.

I have learnt so much since my dd has been going through diagnosis, but that is through hours and hours of books and the internet. I think people don't understand or do not understand autism.

[velourvoyageur]

Is your irritation towards your DP in other areas (e.g. won't let you have a dog ) perhaps manifesting in finding seemingly innocuous things like the radio in the kitchen really annoying. That way it's easier to let the frustration out without having the deeper issues to confront.


There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you want btw, the main consideration should be whether it's good for you rather than what's more normal. I'm sure you know this but just in case not :)
If how you're most comfortable and thriving is when you have minimal contact with the outside, that's fine.

[JimmyCorkhill]

I can relate to everything you say and I'm not on the autistic spectrum. I think the world is set up for extroverts.

[Teabagbeforemilk]

I could have wrote that except the about not being bothered about your dp.

Dh and the kids are the only people I like being around. Even then it's difficult. I even find the school run hard and try to time it so the kids can go straight in and then I don't feel I have to talk to anyone. There is only one mum and can pass the time of day with. I honestly feel like I die inside when the kids are invited to parties that we need to stay for or PT meetings etc.

However I have managed to overcome these things but only if benefits the kids. I still hate it, but can get through it. Diagnosis was actually great for me. I always thought I was wrong inside. I never became very attached to anyone, didn't want to socialise, hated crowds. Now i don't feel there is something 'wrong' . I know most people aren't relieved by diagnosis but I was .

You need to live a life that makes you happy. No one else

[lottiegarbanzo]

Lots of people don't like going out to crowded, noisy places. So don't.

Do you like seeing people a few at a time, for dinner, a film, just to chat?

Are they your friends, jointly, or his friends? They don't sound like great friends of yours but perhaps if you could spend time with some of them one to one, you'd get on better?

Are you saying you do all this - the going out to places you don't like - to please your DP? Have you told him you hate it? Suggested he go by himself?

I wouldn't put up with being coerced into frequent activities I didn't enjoy and would consider a partner who valued having me present as some kind of side-kick, above my feelings, a poor partner and, very quickly, a lost cause.

I can't help finding the crisps comment quite funny, sorry. People have different taste buds, sensitivities, food experiences. You don't need to understand those at all. Just to accept the fact that people have different tastes and preferences.

[LashesandLipstick]

I have ASD too and I understand. I'm not into the drinking, celeb culture, small talk and other crap that so many people's lives seem structured around.

Be who you want. You don't have to pretend. I gave up pretending to be NT before I knew I had ASD, I just decided that I thought those things were stupid and why should I have to change to fit in with things I don't even like?

Your partner sounds as if he's undermined you and it doesn't have to be like that. My partner also has ASD and it's great, we understand each other

[ElkTheory]

I'm not on the autism spectrum but I often feel as you do about spending evenings at home, disliking crowds, etc.

The rigidity in terms of wanting everything 100% your way would probably make a good relationship impossible though. Unless you are lucky enough to find someone who agrees with you 100% of the time which I would imagine is rather unlikely. But if you really would be happy living alone with a dog for company, why not do that?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I do think the world is outwardly designed for extroverts so that is tricky for plenty of people. I can understand that with that sort of chaos around you every time you step out of the door you want your home to be a place 100% under your control and predictable. However, you can't have that if you are sharing with another person. They also need to shape their living space to be a reflection of their needs and personality - they are not a lodger in your home. I strongly suspect DH is on the milder end of the spectrum and it has required compromises all round.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Concerning your DP, would a pros and cons list help? Then a description of how you'd like your life to be in five years' time, in ten years, when you're old?

It strikes me that you're expressing frustration more than anything - and that sort of emotional basis for decision-making doesn't always work out well.

I really can't emphasise enough that lots of NT people don't like the social situations you dislike. Or celeb gossip, small talk and other trivial nonsense. Pretending to like these things as a way of passing as NT is a bit like transvestites getting dolled up in lots of make-up and heels as a way of presenting themselves as women (yeah, not perfectly analogous I realise). Most women don't present themselves that way. Plenty of NT women like comfy clothes and quiet nights in.

[Timetodrive]

I do think the problems tend to arise when a caring partner/friend/family believe that they can fix you or simply help you by exposure. There is nothing wrong in having a life that suits you and this could be with some one. I know my brother spent far too much time trying to be this imaginable person he believed he should be instead of being the wonderful person he was.

[Balaboosta]

"Everyone is on the autistic spectrum". Er, no.

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

I am exactly the same.
Never been formally diagnosed as no particular benefit to me (other than when my DS2 was dx with autism..and not high functioning) our family history was very impressive for ASD traits.

I no longer care. I like my own space, being alone, and I don't do social events or shopping, or chit chat about soaps on tv.. it has no interest to me.

I often feel I would be happiest alone with my pets however I do have a family..who accept me as I am , and just do the best I can when I really have to.

The older I get (I'm 47) the less I care about how I appear to others. As long as I do my job well, interact now and again..that's as good as it gets!

[ASorcererIsAWizardSquared]

'm on the spectrum.. and you know? I really am a kind of 'take me as you find me' kind of person.

I found this today.. bingo!

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

Asorcerer.. I like that..and so true!

[Icelandicsuperyoghurt]

I'm not on the AS (though do have some traits and my older bro has Aspergers. I've never liked a lot of the things you are finding difficult. Clubs, large groups, lots of nights out etc. The thing is I've just never forced myself to do any of these things unless I really have to (ie family gatherings). I am just not prepared to do things I loathe and find miserable.

I have a bf but don't (and won't) live with him because I love my own space. I had a long (miserable) marriage and now treasure time and space to myself. I am not willing to change that (certainly for the time being) and don't mind if I live on my own indefinitely. If you want to live on your own, then you can. Life really is too short to spend it not living a life that is at least acceptable to you. Don't go to events you hate (unless totally necessary), don't pretend to be like other people. You shouldn't have to. I think it's helpful for other people to know you have Aspergers on the basis that they will then know you are NOT stand-offish. But you don't have to meet other peoples expectations or act like someone else.

[BlackeyedSusan]

also, suppposedly, NT though I have a child with asd and am an introvert. oh and your dp's radio on the kitchen windowsil is now pissingme off too, it is just wrong...

you do not have to follow the stereotypical activities for people your age. you are you, unique and liking your own stuff. go for it.

I think worrying about not fitting in diminishes with age.

[ProudAS]

Another Aspie here.

Don't isolate yourself but you may find big groups and constant socialising don't work for you.