To be really annoyed with my DM

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

I have a DD who is nearly 23 months old, she's been quite advanced so far, she was walking at 11 months, asking questions saying small sentences from 16-17 months, she's almost potty trained etc.

I'm not trying to sound "smug" as none of it has been down to me, she just seems to pick things up quickly. Anyway my DM begrudgingly has her maybe once a week or once a fortnight whilst I'm at work.
She dropped her off on Saturday and I asked if DD had behaved herself etc etc. DM said yes she's been very good but there was just one thing we noticed . . . Right mum, go on. "Well, she doesn't seem to like using cutlery to eat her dinner anymore which is funny because she was doing so well with it a couple of months ago, she was just digging into her dinner with her hands. Do you give her cutlery to use at dinner time?" Oh FFS mum!! She's not even two! She knows how to use a fork and a spoon together and kind of knows how to use a knife and fork but she gets impatient sometimes and just digs in with her hands.

I did baby led weaning when she first started solids as I was told that babies learn quicker by feeling the texture of their food but she soon progressed on to spoon feeding herself. Aside from this DD is a fantastic eater, she loves fruit and vegetables and I want her to continue like this for as long as possible. I snapped back at my mum that I'd rather ensure that she was eating a healthy diet than turn every meal into a battleground by trying to force her to use cutlery and in turn make her reluctant to eat healthy meals. I also showed her the knife, fork and millions of spoons I had drying on the draining board for her.

I just feel as though she's being really pushy with her, I've always let her develop at her own pace, let her do her own thing and she's a confident, happy child. I think that because she's been a little bit advanced my mum is trying to push her and push her instead of nurturing the skills and learning that she already has IYSWIM. I can only think that if she carries on pushing and pushing its going to lead to feelings of inadequacy for DD as she gets older. It's not the first time she's made criticisms and I just wish she'd keep them to herself!

[formerbabe]

she's been quite advanced so far, she was walking at 11 months

Is that quite advanced? sounds fairly normal to me! My DS walked at 9 months

Anyway...yabvu! Sounds like your mum brought it up because your dd was using cutlery before and now isn't. What a lot of fuss over nothing!

[BeeRayKay]

Yeah you're being U.

Your mum just noticed a change and queried it.

And this is good.

Because sometimes, we're too close to a situation to see something, and its only when someone else notices it, that we see it. Or alternatively you had noticed it and was concerned, but thought you were being a bit PFB, so someone else confirming it helps.

Just smile and say yes, but you'd also noticed it and aren't concerned.

[crumblybiscuits]

YABU. Maybe ease up on your mum a bit and she might want to have her more.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

Well maybe 11 months walking isn't advanced but she was certainly quicker than most of the tots at toddler and baby group etc. you can't say that most babies start walking at 9 months former

This is only one example, she is very accusatory in her manner, like its my fault. When she was a tiny baby oh I wasn't winding her properly, I should have carried on BF for linger than4 months, my house should be spotless or "she isn't losing her baby chub so you just be feeding her crap"

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

Maybe she should ease up on me a bit and I might let her have her more!!

[EponasWildDaughter]

It doesn't really sound like a criticism though OP. It sounds more like an observation.

''she doesn't seem to like using cutlery to eat her dinner anymore which is funny because she was doing so well with it a couple of months ago''

[EponasWildDaughter]

x posted. But it's difficult ... we cant hear her tone and can only go on what you've said here :)

[formerbabe]

Maybe she should ease up on me a bit and I might let her have her more!!

You said she looks after her begrudgingly so not sure how that would work?!

[SwearyInn]

Anyway my DM begrudgingly has her maybe once a week

That's very kind of your mum. GPs are not default childminders. Sounds like you are annoyed that she does not look after your child more and that you are almost spoiling for an argument with her.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your mother mentioning the fork thing. I think you need to appreciate your mum more maybe??

[EponasWildDaughter]

What did you say to her after the cutlery comment? I know you wrote here:

''Oh FFS mum!! She's not even two! She knows how to use a fork and a spoon together and kind of knows how to use a knife and fork but she gets impatient sometimes and just digs in with her hands.''

in your post - but maybe that needs actually saying?

I have a tricky relationship with my mum and find myself ranting at family but shying away from any actual confrontation with her. Do you keep stuff bottled up?

[Ragwort]

Just smile graciously and thank her for looking after your DD - really you are completely over thinking this.

If you don't like her comments then look for paid childcare.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

former I was responding to a comment. . . . .

sweary yes and evidently I don't use her as a childminder. I've always looked after my DD myself and will continue to do so, I'm not annoyed that she won't have her more as I've always managed just fine, I'm annoyed because she is so blatantly objects to having her. I'm a working mum and she knows that the help she gives me is appreciated but I don't need criticisms, I had a very critical upbringing which is down to her so I react badly when she starts bringin things up.

[crumblybiscuits]

Well you said she begrudgingly has her.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

eponas I think she knew I wasn't too happy, her tone was just so accusatory and ragwort she's at a childminders 4 days a week but she doesn't have any spaces on a Saturday so I've had to look in to alternative arrangements. I'm fully aware of the costs of childcare and how my wage barely covers them if that's what you're implying.

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

Yes crumbly your point is?

[crumblybiscuits]

For what it's worth I would rather my Mum was proactive and actually obviously taking an interest to realise something was different like your mum was than have my Mum who doesn't even acknowledge DD when she has her. I think it was good of your Mum to try and make such observations as if it was an issue you would probably be annoyed if she hasn't noticed.

[mimishimmi]

You said your mum begrudges looking after her once a week. I can see why she would feel tied down by that. It's not casual babysitting. Where does your daughter go the other days?

Re the cutlery thing. Many toddlers her age don't use cutlery of course but something about the tone of your post makes me think you are possibly being unreasonable. Perhaps your mum feels her weekly efforts are being undermined if you won't even put the cutlery out for your DD at home first before sitting her down in her chair with the meal (you said she digs in first indicating that).

[Ragwort]

I think you are being incredibly sensitive over this - you asked your mum 'if your DD had been good' and she said yes, she had been very good, but mentioned the cutlery thing.

It really is incredibly minor in the scheme of things - and now you go on to say that you had a very critical upbringing yourself, so perhaps your mother is not the right person to care for your DD?

I do understand it is hard when people (esp. relatives) criticise your beloved child - it's happened to me very recently when my father said my teenage son 'was being rude' (actually he was, but it still hurt me to hear it even though my Dad was right IYSWIM).

[Stinkerbellabumsmella]

She's pushy with it though, she was pushy with me growing up and I've never felt good enough, I don't want her doing the same to DD, she always has some little niggle or dig and its funding me down. It maybe doesn't sound like much but to me it's a big deal.

[msgrinch]

yabu. She was only pointing it out to you. 11 months for walking isn't advanced at all so maybe your mum was concerned she'd stopped doing something she was.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Yabu.

And sound rather defensive even on this thread.

[crumblybiscuits]

Source alternative childcare. Easier for everyone.

[msgrinch]

X post. Pay for childcare on the extra day! If you're mums that pushy that you're worried she'll "do the same to dd".

[Micah]

So you're not happy with her going to your mum, and your mum isn't happy having her?

Why continue with the arrangement then? Put her in nursery or with a childminder. I wouldn't send my child somewhere that didn't want her, relative or no.

Stop sending her there. You're happy, your mum's happy, and no doubt your child will be too.

[mimishimmi]

So why are you getting your mum to take care of your daughter if you don't really seem to like your mum and the way she brought you up? Why would you think it would be any different?