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AIBU?

Are good dads always the best husbands?

70 replies

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 20:40

Feeling a bit pants and could do with some words of wisdom.

My husband is a phenomenal daddy to my two boys 3.5 and 18 mo. Is around a lot and plays with them loads, they totally adore him and I love him for being such an awesome daddy. He also helps around the house and is a genuine stand out dad when compared to anyone else I know.

However, I'm coming to the conclusion that he's not really a very good husband to me. I am constantly made to feel inferior to him in terms of parenting and he's always making me generally not feel good enough.

I'm feeling particularly emotional at the moment due to problems with my own dad coming to a head. But he's just being a bit crap about it all.

I've just returned from a four day work trip (which was admittedly a lot of fun!). I'd been looking forward to coming back and had sort of hoped for a little bit of "we've missed you" but instead he just said the house was tidier and the boys were happier without me. Half joking, of course, but when I said that it made me feel shit and maybe I shouldn't have bothered coming home he just said "as long as I get custody if the boys I don't care. We'd be fine without you".

He just makes me feel not good enough and an inferior parent. Couple that with us never doing anything together, him training for rugby 2x a week then playing on sat pm and I'm starting to feel a little bit shitty.

Is this just 'how it is'?

OP posts:

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sanityisamyth · 07/02/2015 20:43

He sounds like an absolute prick OP but I may not be thinking straight as I've just left my husband as he's definitely a prick!!!

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 07/02/2015 20:43

Part of being a good dad is treating your children to respect their spouse and provide a positive relationship role model. This he is a sht dad and a shit husband.

whothehellknows · 07/02/2015 20:46

OP, that is awful! No, that's not how it is! Not in any healthy relationship I know of, anyway.

YeahDamon · 07/02/2015 20:47

Good dads don't make their children's mothers miserable on purpose. He's a shit dad.

Littleturkish · 07/02/2015 20:48

Part of being a good dad is being a good husband. I don't think the two things can be separated- do you have as much time to pursue your own interests as he does? He seems deeply insecure to have to put you down all the time. I think that's a really nasty way to treat the mother of his children.

squoosh · 07/02/2015 20:49

He's nowhere near being a good dad if this is how he treats his children's mother.

LittleBairn · 07/02/2015 20:50

He sounds dreadful. A good father is someone who respects and is kind to their children's mother not someone who sets out to delibritly hurt her to make himself feel superior.

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/02/2015 20:50

No.

squoosh · 07/02/2015 20:51

"as long as I get custody if the boys I don't care. We'd be fine without you".

He sounds like a very angry and very bitter man. Is he jealous of your career?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 07/02/2015 20:52

A good father treats the mother of his children with love and respect. He is not a good dad.

TwitterWooooo · 07/02/2015 20:54

What an twatty thing to say about custody. He does indeed sound bitter and jealous.
My guess is he is not the perfect daddy you tho k his when you are not around, he does this ott fabulous daddy to project inferiority your way. He sounds horrible.

TwitterWooooo · 07/02/2015 20:55

* you think he his*

Charlotte3333 · 07/02/2015 20:57

Nope, it's not just how it is. Nobody is perfect and nobody will meet your every hope and expectation. But putting you down or saying spiteful things to you ever, let alone in front of your children, is teaching them that Mummy isn't deserving of respect or kindness. And that's dreadful parenting as well as dreadful husbanding.

Can you have a talk to him once the children are in bed over a glass of wine? Tell him in no uncertain terms that you won't allow him to speak to you in that way? My DH used to 'joke' about stuff that niggled him; I knew it was his passive-aggressive way of saying what he really meant without having to confront anything head-on. I'm very upfront in relationships, so we struggled to find a balance. But he doesn't do it any more, so he obviously listened when I said I wasn't going to have it. Has your DH always been like this?

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:01

I was doing a class on Thursdays before he decided that he wanted to do rugby again. I was then in charge of sorting childcare if I wanted to go, which was obviously a pain in the arse. So now I don't. He went ape last week when I got delayed with work in London and he was going to miss training - so I ended up paying a babysitter £20 for an hour so he could go. So ridiculous.

I work quite hard, which I know he resents. It means he picks up a lot of slack with the kids and I guess I just feel guilty asking for any more 'me time'. He has said before that he thinks I've got my priorities wrong because I don't choose to spend more time with the kids. I don't work out of financial necessity, it just makes me feel good. Always has. And I was actually quite depressed when not working.

Added variable which has made me start questioning things is a work 'flirtation'. Nothing has happened, and I know it won't. But I've just stated to think about why I'm enjoying the attention and it's because I feel so shitty. I don't want to have an affair, and I won't. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of what is making me feel so rubbish. I also need to find a therapist to get through the issues with my dad...which is why I think I put so much importance on how DH is with the children...

OP posts:

anothernamechangerhere · 07/02/2015 21:02

I have a twat of a husband too, he's horrid to me and badmouths me in front of the kids. You have my sympathy. I keep telling mine to fuck off but he takes no notice.

ahbollocks · 07/02/2015 21:04

Do you think dh knows about the 'flirtation'?

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:06

ah no. I'd mentioned some chats I'd had with said individual to him after Xmas party and DH said "oh wow, he clearly wants to shag you" which I hadn't even considered. But nothing mentioned since and I have purposefully not mentioned it.

OP posts:

Gen35 · 07/02/2015 21:07

Actually the start and end of this seems to be he doesn't respect you, what he said about getting custody would signify real problem with your relationship. The work flirtation is probably just an attempt to stick your head in the sand. You need to have a proper chat with DH about the lack of respect and appreciation.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/02/2015 21:09

Oh poor thing.
My personal view (not the consensus probably) is that the first (possibly the most important) factor in being a good father is to be a good husband (or partner obviously)
I wonder if he feels insecure/ resents your work success/ freedom. Maybe he fears a break up. When you said that you needn't have bothered coming home, could it be have been understandably misinterpreted as not wanting to?
Im not trying to excuse his behaviour. Honestly. Im really not.
But sometimes we lash out of we feel undervalued or i secure.
Of course he might just not be very nice.

ahbollocks · 07/02/2015 21:10

I just wonder if he is being contemptuous because he's jealous?
He shouldn't be being rude to you, especially in front of the children but perhaps he is steeling himself for something?

squoosh · 07/02/2015 21:11

Does he work himself?

LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:12

He has always been quite passive aggressive though and I'm wondering if like charlottes DH, it's just his way. He was asking me earlier why I felt so sad and I just said that I hadn't sorted out the counselling yet about my dad and it was still upsetting me. I'd been welling up after he and ds1 had a "guess how much I love you" moment that I was excluded from. After going off in tears, DH sent ds1 up to say how much he loved me. So he's not all bad, honest.

But he doesn't then DO or SAY anything to try and cheer me up. Nothing.

OP posts:

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LittleMilla · 07/02/2015 21:15

Yes he does work but isn't happy. He struggles to be happy for me when things are good. So when this person had been saying really kind things about me, I'd told him hoping he'd be happy. But instead it was met with "wow, he clearly wants to shag you". Which I suspect might be the case now anyway, so feeling equally shitty about the he fact I'm not actually any good at work either! Meh.

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/02/2015 21:16

He doesnt feel valued.

When my dh came home from 2 weeks away on work (a few meetings and some very interesting adventires/ plenty of dinners and lunches) he was tired and wanting a bit of a hero's welcome.
I really struggled with it tbh. I had managed at home, working and looking after 2 small children alone and I know I had worked harder than him. I did feel resentful.
Also, i think you might be minimising the "flirty" stuff.

But i think you need to talk. To,him. and to someone you find supportive.

PatriciaHolm · 07/02/2015 21:18

You're enjoying the flirtation because, deep down, I think you have realised that not only is your DH not very nice to you, he doesn't actually like you very much either. He does nothing to demonstrate to you anything else, does he? In fact the opposite. In fact he resents you.

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