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For feeling like I "wasted" 9 hours driving ???

(70 Posts)
catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 20:38:11

Hi all, will bullet point for clairty.

4dcs : ds 16,dd 13, ds 11.5, ds 10.

STBXH and MIL live 3 hours away in northerntown.

Ds1 does not want to see STBXH but wanted to see Granny.

To spare STBXH feelings DS1 wanted visit to be secret.

(I would not even think about asking granny to travel to where we live, she is very elderly)

I contacted SIL in Northern town to try and arrange "secret" visit.

SIL told STBXH everything. DS1 was very upset taht STBXH now "knew".

Visit is arranged, Due to traffic, journey takes 9 hours round trip ( should have been 6) for a 1 hour visit.

Unknown to us ,2 days later STBXH and granny were in our town visiting a sick acquaintance.

If DS1 had just happened see STBXH it would have really, really upset him.

I know its STBXH and granny's choice to visit who they like, when they like but

AIBU to think STBXH could have

1) Spared his DCs 9 hours in the car.
2) At least warned DC1 that he was in our town.

overslept Tue 30-Dec-14 21:04:38

Ermm... I think you arranging a secret visit to your ex's town and then being angry when your ex arranges a secret visit to your town (not even to see a close relative of yours) is a little pot calling the kettle black surely?

MyAcheybreakyBones Tue 30-Dec-14 21:08:41

I dont understand why it had to be a secret, there is obviously a back story.

But your stbxh was not veing unreasonable in that he visited your town and didn't tell you especially as you had no intention of telling him of your visit to I presume his mums.

Would it not have been possible to have had an open visit to grans and asked him to stay away if its a problem?

MyAcheybreakyBones Tue 30-Dec-14 21:09:22

Overslept I though pot kettle black too.

teeththief Tue 30-Dec-14 21:09:53

Did your stbxh and granny not contact/visit while they were close by? If so, yanbu

MyAcheybreakyBones Tue 30-Dec-14 21:13:37

You were both being unreasonable this whole thing could have happened a lot easier I think and still spared dc feelings.

Whatever has went on its important that you both communicate with each other to make stbd and kids work.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter Tue 30-Dec-14 21:15:26

What's a stbxh?
So your son didn't actually see whoever and so isn't actually upset at all?

Sorry, but I'm really confused by your post although that's probably just me being an old twerp.

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:17:46

I do rather think STBXH did the visit as "come back" for the visit to granny.

The visit to granny was meant to be "secret" at the request of DS1, to spare STBXH feelings. DS1 ( as a young person is wont to do) didnt want to upset anyone but still wanted to see his granny.

MorrisZapp Tue 30-Dec-14 21:18:13

This doesn't make sense. You didn't tell your ex that you would be visiting his town, but you're annoyed with him for the driving delay you had getting there?

overslept Tue 30-Dec-14 21:18:58

sparklyTwinkleGlitter Soon to be ex-husband.

Yes the whole post is a bit bonkers to be fair.

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:19:23

We had no idea STBXH and granny were any where near at all.

STBXH had come to our town at least twice before and not told the DC's

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:20:46

Yes the whole post is a bit bonkers to be fair.

thanks for that hmm

bloodyteenagers Tue 30-Dec-14 21:20:48

So the others didn't get a chance to see their dad because the eldest
One didn't want to?

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:22:56

the other dc's see their dad ( when he can be bothered to see them ) DS1 not seeing their dad does not limit the other dcs.

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:23:36

ps as it was younger dcs did see their dad on the granny visit anyway.

SanityClause Tue 30-Dec-14 21:23:52

Well, STBXH sounds like an arse to visit your town, without making any effort to contact his DC.

Xmas2014Santa2014 Tue 30-Dec-14 21:24:38

You need a family conference

No more secrets

SavoyCabbage Tue 30-Dec-14 21:25:11

He couldn't have told them not do drive to see the granny six hours away as he wasn't supposed to know about the visit.

You can't leave a person out of plans and then complain because you don't have knowledge that they have.

BarbarianMum Tue 30-Dec-14 21:27:39

YABU I'm afraid. He does not have to run his movements by you, and vice versa. The 9 hours weren't "wasted" if everyone saw who they wanted to see.

LennyCrabsticks Tue 30-Dec-14 21:27:49

Is this the bonkers guy with the memory loss and the weird relationship with both his sister and your sister?

UmizoomiThis Tue 30-Dec-14 21:28:04

So the gran knew she'd be visiting your town but knew because her grandson didn't want to see his Dad (STBXH) so she couldn't suggest she visit you all - thereby sparing the kids the drive up - because she could only visit your grandson with her son (your STBXH) there.

So really if your son agreed to see his dad (STBXH) that could have saved you the long drive and gran could've said we'll see you next week when I'm down with your STBXH visiting x relative.

Your son's fault, not your STBXH

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:28:17

I have made many trips to northern town with the dc's and arranged visits in our town. DC1 does not wish to see his dad. that is his choice but it does not limit the other dc's. On this ONE occasion DC1 wanted to visit his granny and I tried to arrange it as DC1 asked me to. I have never "hidden" anything from STBXH before and only tried on thi occasion at the direct request of DC1.

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:30:13

Is this the bonkers guy with the memory loss and the weird relationship with both his sister and your sister?

one and the same Im afraid.

GetMe Tue 30-Dec-14 21:30:53

Flipping eck, is this a riddle like the fox, chicken, grain etc. needs to cross the river????

catfourfeet Tue 30-Dec-14 21:32:08

So the gran knew she'd be visiting your town but knew because her grandson didn't want to see his Dad (STBXH) so she couldn't suggest she visit you all - thereby sparing the kids the drive up - because she could only visit your grandson with her son (your STBXH) there.

Granny could have met the dc's in a cafe in town, she doesn't have/need to be with her son (stbxh)all the time.

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