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AIBU?

My adoptive father is a twunt. AIBU to politely tell him why?

76 replies

Nancery · 29/12/2014 21:52

Sorry if this ends up long. I've written posts (not about this) before and tried to keep it short but managed to leave out important details in the process!

My mother remarried when I was 4 and her new husband adopted me. Then, they do divorced extremely acrimoniously - it became increasingly acrimonious, both were ridiculous about things to the expense of me and my sister, who was born when I was 6 - and we eventually lost contact with AD (adopted dad) when I was about 18. Can go into why if necessary but trying to keep things short!

Four yrs ago my sister makes contact with him and I subsequently, 18 months later, pop into their new house which is about 50 miles from where we live now. He has stopped drinking, and seems far mellower and me and DH start to see them semi regularly and enjoy our time together. He and his partner also helped us finish the renovations in our house as we had a very tight deadline due to the arrival of DS! He could be a brat - he once stomped off in a strop because my DH wasn't decorating the front room in the order he thought it should be done in, for example, but nothing too awful or hard to brush off.

However... We had travelled to their house the night before (they moved south about 18 months ago, so aren't semi local any more) as we were picking up a sofa they had going spare. My DS was 21months at the time and didn't get to bed that night till gone 9, so was shattered.

The next day my DH was working from their house - we had to go during the week as AD wanted the sofa picking up ASAP or it was 'going on EBay' - so my AD and his partner L decided we were having a trip out to a wildlife / duck place nearby. DS fell asleep in the car on the way there, and I said I wasn't going to wake him up because he was so tired, so AD and his partner went to the wildlife centre alone.
I thought they were going to go and have lunch or something but they clearly hadn't because then they came out 45 minutes later and insisted I woke up DS, and subsequently made a lot of noise so he did. In the cafe it took a while for DS to come round, and he was clingy and grumpy. AD was sat twitching and complaining that myself, and more so DS, were taking too long, in his opinion, to eat our lunch. As a consequence, he kept telling us to hurry up, grabbing food off the plates, waving stuff at DS going 'eat this, hurry up' but then eating it himself (so it had gone) and generally complaining that he didn't want to sit there a moment longer. He also kept winding DS up because he kept saying 'no' to everything (he was 2!) like 'do you want some sandwich?' 'Do you want some fruit?' Do you want some cake?' No! Haha, all he says is no! No, no, no!"It was like watching a hyperactive and spoilt child. So, eventually, I chucked a tiny bit of apple at him - I had just bitten it off - and and told him to 'give it a rest'. It hit AD in the eye, I'm guessing the socket not the ball as his eye didn't even water, the only injury, I suspect, was pride.
His partner then muttered that I needed to apologise for throwing it at him, which I didn't really do (I said 'sorry I hit you in the eye, I meant to hit you on the forehead instead') as, frankly, I wasn't the one behaving like a brat. I said they could go on ahead etc but I was not, or rather my DS was not, going to jump to his timetable - although I didn't say that, I just said the first part about going on ahead.

Thankfully, the rest of the day had no further 'incidents' although it was a bit like walking on eggshells, and we looked around the wildlife / duck place (they've been numerous times before) apart from at the end where they wanted to stay to watch the wildlife being fed but, as it was 4.30, I said I wanted to get DS home which was half an hour away. This was ignored so me and DS waited an hour in the gift shop so they could watch the birds being fed and listen to the keeper talk about them. This pissed me off but I said nothing.

We all left the subsequent day and it seemed relatively ok (although he did turn the hot water off so DH couldn't have a shower, and AD seemed to spend quite a lot of time at the bottom of the garden looking grumpy), and they waved us off quite jovially etc.

Week later, we sent a card saying thank you very much, and heard nothing. On DS's 2nd birthday, they sent a card but that was it. I suspect this was to provoke some kind of response, which I think is disgusting behaviour and I also didn't rise to the bait. I had had no contact at all for six months (I became reluctant to contact them as was pissed off re the lack of present, point making, re DS and I also don't think I've been that out of order.) I then got, surprisingly, £40 in a card for my 40th (Sept) which made me wonder if they had thawed out about everything (which any normal rational adult surely wouldn't create into such a big deal?) but then, at Christmas, I get an email from his partner saying that AD has sent some DVDs for DS.

Three cheap nursery rhymes DVDs turned up today. It's not the fact he hasn't spent much money, if he had spent the same amount of money on something very thoughtful, or relevant or something that DS would've wanted or needed I'd possibly be more be more touched than I would've been if it was something expensive, as expensive extravagant things are often easier to get right than smaller gifts. (BTW, they are not remotely short of cash) It's the fact that absolutely no thought or effort has gone in, and it was clearly ordered in response to them getting the box of chocolates we sent them at Christmas - sent as we thought we'd try and be the grown ups.

I absolutely refuse to have my DS used as a tool to 'make a point' and I also will NOT have him exposed to someone who is capable of using a child like this. I don't think you can want to play doting grandad whenever you feel like it and that's it. Also, I cannot fathom what else he decided to take such umbrage about, not that I think, considering, it's that terrible anyway, but surely it's about me not DS?

Am upset about this but, most of all, fucking angry.

There's a lot more I could add but this has probably gone on too long anyway - thanks for reading, it's been therapeutic to write!

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Quangle · 29/12/2014 22:01

I'm really not sure what the complaint is here. I might be reading it wrong but it sounds like you had a rubbish day out two years ago since when they've sent various cards and gifts.

Perhaps both parties are totally hacked off with the other side but trying to make an effort now and again. Hence your chocs and their DVD for your son. Not sure why your chocs at xmas were more thoughtful than their DVDs iyswim?

I'm sorry if I'm missing the point but on a quick read it sounds like some miscommunication and irritability but not much more.