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AIBU to spend more for xmas on my eldest

(52 Posts)
gingermopped Tue 02-Dec-14 11:22:21

I hav 4 dc's , dd almost 16 and 3 ds' s 12, 10 and 6.
my dd's father isnt involved really in her life, she sees him maybe once a year, he doesnt buy cards or presents and never sees her on occasions.
hes an alcoholic and currently in hospital with liver failure and other problems, hes been told he has 6 months to live.
this has hit my daughter so hard, loosing a dad shes never really known and realization that shes never been a priority in his life.
my exdh (the boys father) raised her as his own but after we split 4/5 yrs ago hes dropped her, wants nothing to do with her.
so to get to the point of this AIBU, xmas day this year is just me and dd, the 3 boys are with there dad, they will b with me boxing day and that will b my xmas day with them.
exdh asked me will dd be having her xmas pressies with me xmas dad or waiting till boys r home boxing day, I told him (and honestly thought he would get it) she would get her presents xmas day (always roughly same budget for all 4) but on boxing day she would get sum extra, sumthing special to open as boys open there presents.
iv brought her a locket with a photo of her dad holding her as a baby and im doing her an extra stocking.
the ex has gone balistic, favrortising her over the boys, im a bad parent, he phoned my parents to moan and they agree with him.
apparently they should all b equal and yes to sum extent I agree but the boys will get double presents, she doesnt hav her dad to spoil her and also with all thats going on I feel the need to spoil her.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid Tue 02-Dec-14 11:25:11

Yanbu it sounds like tough times for her and you are doing your best to make things nice.

The shitty behaviour award should go to your ex for leaving her out.

TTTatty Tue 02-Dec-14 11:26:08

I agree with you, my childrens dad passed away and I am now with someone new, his 'children' (they are adults) have us plus their mum buying for them and mine only have us, I have bought something special for them as if from their dad. Why should your dd miss out?

PurpleSwift Tue 02-Dec-14 11:28:57

I don't think Yabu. This means all children get open presents on Xmas day and Boxing Day. Surely that's fairier? I'd just give her stocking fillers though.

lemmein Tue 02-Dec-14 11:29:19

It has fuck all to do with your ex what you plan to do for your DD - I'd tell him to keep his nose out!

The locket sounds like a lovely idea, hope you both have a lovely day smile

lemmein Tue 02-Dec-14 11:36:59

Your ex is a massive arsehole btw, but you probably know that already! So, he expects your daughter to wait till he's finished having xmas with his 'real' family before she can enjoy hers? The only way to make the DC equal is if he builds a time machine, goes back 4 years and doesn't behave like a prick towards your daughter! Until then - he needs to hush. YANBU by the way wink

TicTicBOOM Tue 02-Dec-14 11:39:11

If he's so concerned about equality, I'm assuming he's not giving the boys anything on Christmas day? No extra presents for them, no? Of course not.

If he'd wanted a say about how your daughter gets treated at Christmas he shouldn't have cut her out of his family, but he did, so it has nothing to do with him at all.

theressomethingaboutmarie Tue 02-Dec-14 11:41:24

Considering your ex wants nothing to do with the poor girl (really, what a fucker, makes me so mad), it's none of his damn business. You sound like a wonderful parent and I think you are being totally reasonable.

MyIronLung Tue 02-Dec-14 11:46:50

Your ex is being ridiculous.
If you want to buy your Dd something extra it's up to you and in no way means that you're favoring her over your boys! In future I'd keep what I was planning to myself (if I was you).

It's not quite the same but I've spent completely different amounts on my dd and ds this year. Dd is 17 and stuff for her is much more expensive but come Xmas morning, her pile is going to be tiny and DSs is going to be huge, even though I've spent about £100 more on her!
For me it's not about spending the exact amount down to the last penny, it's about getting them the things they want/need.
I can guarantee that they will both be very happy Xmas day!

needaholidaynow Tue 02-Dec-14 11:47:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyIronLung Tue 02-Dec-14 11:49:19

Meant to put, DS is 3.

DixieNormas Tue 02-Dec-14 11:53:20

So he won't be buying the boys more presents then he buys your dd then?

It has absolutely fuck all to do with him, also what is he doing phoning your parents and why are they listening to him?

I don't always spend the same on mine, ds2 is getting much more this year. Ds1 doesn't mind at all

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 Tue 02-Dec-14 11:53:21

I think you are doing the right thing, trying to make up for the fact that both of her 'Dads' have treated her appallingly. If your ex does not like it then perhaps he should have done the decent thing and stayed in contact with the daughter he raised as his own. (wanker)

I would tell him to sod off, it is none of his business now. WTF about your parents ? Why did he go running to them? What did he expect them to do, send you to your bedroom for being naughty? They should keep out of it too. You are a grown woman, you buy presents for your children as you see fit. YANBU.

browneyedgirl86 Tue 02-Dec-14 11:53:38

Yanbu. You sound very caring. It's nothing to do with your ex or your parents what you get your DD. I would do the same in your shoes.

Lostriver Tue 02-Dec-14 11:55:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iloveweetos Tue 02-Dec-14 11:56:47

None of his business. You're doing the right thing. Hope you both have a lovely day smile x

Lostriver Tue 02-Dec-14 11:57:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas Tue 02-Dec-14 12:04:16

If I was you id explain to the boys that because dd doesnt have a dad who buys her presents you have bought her an extra stocking and a special little gift from all of you for her to open on boxing day with them. Before your ex gets in there with his poison and tells them.

BoysiesBack Tue 02-Dec-14 12:08:13

YANBU in the slightest. Your ex is being a twat.

Sounds like your poor DD has had a tough time recently and spoiling her a little at Christmas sounds lovely. Your boys will also be having two 'Christmas days' so are not missing out on anything.

Hope you and DD have a lovely Christmas Day, OP.

MyDogSnoopy Tue 02-Dec-14 12:09:12

The only bad parent here is your ex who dropped your DD. Arsehole. You should tell the wanker that.

EmilyGilmore Tue 02-Dec-14 12:14:36

Your poor DD (and you).

Ignore your exdh. He's made it clear she is nine of his concern. Ignore your parents too - none of third business either.
I can't believe he has excluded her from his Christmas with his "real" children. That's just heartless. How does he explain this to the boys?

Buy her what you want, as much as you want - she shouldn't have to wait till Boxing Day. Do as you please OP.

Icimoi Tue 02-Dec-14 12:14:51

Tell him he only gets to have a say if he is prepared to buy dd some presents. Why is it wrong for you to give your dd something extra but not wrong for him to give the boys extra whilst giving her nothing?

HerrenaHarridan Tue 02-Dec-14 12:15:55

You are being perfectly reasonable.

I have a friend with two dc with different dads. Both dads are absent but one set of ex-ils are very generous come Xmas the other gets literally nothing from any one else.
She buys A special present for one and A special present AND lots of bits and pieces for the other.

IMO this is perfectly fair. Much more fair than individually spending equal amounts on some misplaced principle

youarewinning Tue 02-Dec-14 12:24:34

So a locket with a picture that will probably mean so much to your DD, who has a dying father, is an extra gift she's being spoilt with? Jeez, some people have no compassion.
Your DS' will get presents from their dad and you right?
So how is your dd benefitting at all in any of this?

What your doing sounds lovely, your giving all your DCs the best Christmas you can. Each gets 2 Christmas days. It's just your dd gets both hers with you.

Sorry you and dd are going through all this thanks

wishmiplass Tue 02-Dec-14 12:28:36

I think you sound lovely and thoughtful. Bollocks to what any of them think. Enjoy your day with your girl and the next day with them all. xxx

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