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To think you're not a "step parent" when...

(104 Posts)
ThistleDoMeNicely Sun 27-Jul-14 12:39:23

You don't live with your partner?

Have never met the child you are apparently a step parent too?

You're never going to meet the child you are apparently a step parent too?

You've been with the childs father 5 minutes?

If all of the above are true and they still refer to the child as their step child is it just me that thinks they are delusional?

FlossyMoo Sun 27-Jul-14 12:40:46


Is this something you are experiencing at the moment OP?

CarrotBottom Sun 27-Jul-14 12:41:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spongebob5 Sun 27-Jul-14 12:43:23

YANBU, the word 'parent' suggests that the person will take part in some parenting of the child. Tell us more???

picnicbasketcase Sun 27-Jul-14 12:46:23

YANBU. That's just going out with someone who has a child. Not the same thing.

Flexibilityisquay Sun 27-Jul-14 12:47:15

YANBU, but I can see why someone would use step parent/child instead of my boyfriend/girlfriends child, because it is quicker and easier to say.

Teddybeau1988 Sun 27-Jul-14 12:47:53

Yanbu. Surely in those situations the most that can be said is - partner is a parent.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jul-14 12:49:41


Is this going to be about something posted on Facebook?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 27-Jul-14 12:49:59

Of course they are delusional!

My parents divorced and my father remarried. She was not my step-mother, she was my father's wife. I already had a mother and therefore had no need of another one. If I was a child at the time and mother had died, then maybe she could have been my step-mum. Maybe, but it would have been up to me to have given her that title, not anyone else.

A "step-parent" to kids you don't know, while not married to their father and don't live with them permanently is a complete and utter nonsense.

I suspect someone has an inflated opinion of their importance in other people's lives somehow. Not very healthy

DiaDuit Sun 27-Jul-14 12:50:26

Sounds like someone liking the novelty of the idea hmm

needaholidaynow Sun 27-Jul-14 12:52:00

YANBU. As someone who has been with a man with a child for nearly 5 years, I still don't class myself as his daugter's SM. We live together and have children together as well so we are a family unit, but the role as SM I feel I am nowhere near "there" yet. His daughter and I are friends and get on really well and I obviously look after her and care for her when required, but a mother figure? In my own personal circumstances, not by a long shot. I call her my dsd on here though just for simplicity.

CarrotBottom Sun 27-Jul-14 12:52:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jul-14 12:55:11

Carrot, I've got half a cold cup of tea and a used cotton bud I wouldn't mind waging on this grin

CarrotBottom Sun 27-Jul-14 12:56:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhaedraIsMyName Sun 27-Jul-14 12:58:00

My mother was married twice to men who were not my father. The first was not ever my step-father. The second, for the 3/4 years they were together made a big effort to be which I appreciated although circumstances were such that when they separated it was impossible to continue a relationship.

YANBU. Having a girlfriend or a wife who has children already does not make you a step-parent without a considerable degree of effort and commitment on your part and acceptance on the child's part.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Jul-14 12:58:56

I don't own a microwave so I'm going to have to summon DH to make me another cup grin brew

CarrotBottom Sun 27-Jul-14 12:59:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

riverboat1 Sun 27-Jul-14 13:01:04

It depends if it's for ease of reference (especially online) or part of a bigger problem of trying to take on a mothering role that is not appropriate.

Impossible to say YABU or YANBU without the context.

PhaedraIsMyName Sun 27-Jul-14 13:01:33

I've just microwaved the coffee left in the cafetiere from yesterday, it's fine. (That makes me sound as if I have very low domestic standards which I do, and that I'm very mean, which I'm not)

ThistleDoMeNicely Sun 27-Jul-14 13:03:21

No nothing to do with FB grin

Sorry just wanted to canvas a general opinion without any of the back story.

My friend (unknowingly at the beginning) happened to bump into my ExH's new girlfriend. They were out locally and the new girlfriend struck up what my friend thought was just general friendly conversation about weather etc. Quite quickly the girlfriend said "so how is thistle and littlethistle getting on?", my friend just assumed she was another friend of mine and said along the lines of "they are good, saw them last week and they are both just enjoying the summer."

Now this is where I'm not quite sure of the full details but the girlfriend started pressing my friend for answers to questions that my friend felt were quite personal and that if this woman knew me well would surely ask me and not a stranger in a pub. I know little bits and pieces of the conversation and I can definitely see why my friend felt uncomfortable. The conversation ended with my friend telling girlfriend she was being hugely inappropriate and that what she was asking was none of her business. The girlfriend started shouting at my friend saying it was her f'n business since littlethistle is her stepdaughter and she has ever f'n right to ask question and know what I'm like, what I'm doing etc.

My friend has left the place she was and has phoned me quite upset. Part of me is a little creeped out but mostly I think this woman has issues of some sort.

riverboat1 Sun 27-Jul-14 13:03:29

I never ever refer to myself as a stepmum in real life as it's rarely necessary (unless trying to explain my situation quickly to someone who doesnt know it) but frequently do online as it's just a much simpler shorthand.

DiaDuit Sun 27-Jul-14 13:04:33

YANBU, but I can see why someone would use step parent/child instead of my boyfriend/girlfriends child, because it is quicker and easier to say.

This is rubbish really though isnt it. I mean saying "my stepdaughter" is no shorter or quicker than saying "Jimmy's/Jenny's daughter" and it's nowhere near as accurate if you have neither met the child or are ever likely to.

ThistleDoMeNicely Sun 27-Jul-14 13:04:49

Oh I should add it was only when she started shouting that my friend twigged to who she has been talking too. Poor things thought I'd be annoyed with her and was slightly perplexed when I laughed at most of it.

grocklebox Sun 27-Jul-14 13:07:08

Op, yanbu of course.
But the posters saying "my fathers wife is not my stepmother"...well she is. It isn't a qualitative judgement, it isn't the extent of the feeling you have for them that makes it so, its a title. Your fathers mother is your grandmother, your fathers wife is your stepmother. Your feelings don't change that.

DiaDuit Sun 27-Jul-14 13:07:34

The girlfriend started shouting at my friend saying it was her f'n business since littlethistle is her stepdaughter and she has ever f'n right to ask question and know what I'm like, what I'm doing etc.

Well she's wrong. Even if she were married to your ex she has no right to that info and certainly no right to quiz your friends. If she really wants to know she can ask her boyfriend, cant she?

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