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To not want to share my son on my birthday!

(93 Posts)
TeresaGreene Fri 04-Apr-14 13:29:26

Basically, I do not get on with my ex partners wife. I initially made an effort with her as I wanted to get on with her for the sake of my son who sees his dad twice a week. She however has always had a problem with me, has tried to intimidate me by sending horrid text messages and has caused problems between myself and my ex partner. Anyway, the thing is that unfortunately we both share the same birthday and my ex has been in touch asking if ds can go out for a meal for her birthday in evening. I would really like to spend my whole birthday with my son and my family. AIBU to not want to share my son on my birthday? Please help as I don't want to be horrible or cause more problems but I do find it hard to stick up for myself against them.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 04-Apr-14 20:56:20

I would never expect my DP's DDs to spend my birthday with me if it was also their DM's birthday, how odd! Yes, they are lovely and we are a family when they are with us, but SHE'S THEIR MUM! Her birthday would trump mine every time. Yanbu.

My ex and I often share the DCs on their birthdays I.e. They will wake up at one house, go to school and come home to the other or if it's a weekend we may do something all together. It's important that they see us both on their special day.

If ex wanted to see them on his birthday I'd happily swap days and there's no way I'd make him compromise in order for my DCs to spend time with my DP, much as they love him.

For my own birthday, yes it would be ideal to spend time with them so that they can give me their present and celebrate with me, but if it happened that they were due to be at their dad's, I'd happily celebrate with them another day and take advantage of an adult night out

It's just a day, but the step mum needs to accept that too.

balia Fri 04-Apr-14 21:03:24

I think flexibility is great but basic politeness would require asking if it is OK to swap the days. The ex has offered to accommodate the birthday and is offering alternatives so that DS can take part in the family celebration of another member of his family's birthday. To refuse would be churlish.

VelmaD Fri 04-Apr-14 21:05:59

Just as a thought, any chance he's planning on doing something like proposing and wants ds there? Just with the dinner and then present thing.....

needaholidaynow Fri 04-Apr-14 21:12:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy Fri 04-Apr-14 21:18:06

does it have to be a competition?

Seems like the poor child is being used as some sort of bargaining tool between two adults who should be old enough to know better.

Both love him, both want to spend time with him. The initial plan allowed for that to happen and for the OPs son to probably have a lovely day. It shouldn't have been an issue if it wasn't for the OP (at her own admittance) using it as a way to get at his step mum because they don't get on.

lunar1 Fri 04-Apr-14 21:20:09

The world really has gone mad if a mother can't even spend her birthday with her school age children without having to compromise.

How many years do we get before they grow up leave home and get married? I don't think you should feel guilty op, it's your birthday and he is your son.

Swoosg Fri 04-Apr-14 21:20:53

Definitely say no, you have plans, if you want your son with you. Speaking as a stepmum!

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 04-Apr-14 23:45:53

"the OP has already said that htey always make changes to contact arrangements for each others birthdays, so she would still expect to have the day with her son even it was a day scheduled for her ex."

But the ex has changed days and he is still wrong, he has even suggested a further compromise in that the OP can have the full day (DS won't go to the SMum's meal) but could watch her open presents.

Yet he is still wrong.

WorraLiberty Fri 04-Apr-14 23:50:25

Let's not forget the OP said I wouldn't mind him seeing her on her birthday if she wasn't so horrible to me.

So it's nothing to do with the fact the OP wants her son for the whole day and night...and more to do with simply not allowing him to see his step mum on that particular day.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sat 05-Apr-14 00:22:39

We're all more cooperative and amenable for people who are inherently nice.

Compromising sucks sometimes, but as adults (& especially separated co parents) many of us are accustomed to putting our own wishes aside, but this comes much more naturally and feels much more satisfying when we do it for someone we like and for someone who would do the same for us.

I think it's only natural that the OP doesn't want to bend over backwards and compromise for someone who has historically been a pain in the arse.

Yes, it should be about the DCs, not the adults, but most DCs snot want to rock the boat, say what they think they should say, so as not to upset anyone. It's a lot of pressure to put on a child to ask them if they'd rather spend the day with their mum or step mum. I think SM and dad need to accept that OP has plans with her son for her birthday and SM can celebrate with him another day.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sat 05-Apr-14 00:23:23

Don't, not 'snot'!

Aeroflotgirl Sat 05-Apr-14 00:31:26

Op you said your ex and you are flexible fir birthdays, you have ds for the day, ex and partner in tge evening. Helping her open her presents wtf! You are his mum you get first say not ex partner.

TeresaGreene Sat 05-Apr-14 00:52:21

Really grateful for all the replies and advice. A previous poster suggested I ask Ds what he would like to do on the day and we do usually ask him how he would like to spend special days like his own birthday and christmas. But I don't want to put him in the position of having to choose on this occasion as he might feel pressured into saying what he thinks I want to hear. So I will get in touch with my ex to discuss how we can make sure Ds is part of both birthday celebrations. I lost sight of the fact that my Ds is the important one in all this regardless of how I feel - thanks for helping me realise that I was being a bit of a dick!

Hissy Sat 05-Apr-14 08:41:11

Looks like the compromising is all one way tbh.

No decent stepmum, regardless of how much she loves/likes her DSD is ever going to suggest the boy spends his mother's birthday with anyone else, regardless.

Ffs, i'd not expect even Mother's Day if I were the SM. Not because i'd not have a loving relationship with a step-child, but i'd expect the child to naturally spend that time with the woman who is his mother.

And what on earth is this wanting him to 'watch her open her presents'? Is she 5?

Sirzy Sat 05-Apr-14 08:45:22

very sensible approch teresagreen. Hope you have a great birthday

MusicalEndorphins Sat 05-Apr-14 09:05:34

I read this to DH, he all celebrate together!
Anyways, back to a real world
I would let him sleep there the night before, but I like to sleep in late, so it would suit me to have a lay in on my birthday. grin Then go pick him up when you are ready to celebrate your day.
Your DS probably helped choose out a present for the sm and is excited to see her open it. As he will be to see you open yours from him at a lovely Birthday Lunch! He can even decorate with a few balloons and streamers ahead of time, and he will have fun with both his families.

TeresaGreene Sat 05-Apr-14 11:04:53

To be honest hissy that's how it feels although I haven't expressed it well. And musical I would really like it if we could both celebrate together one day - I genuinely want to get on with her - there has only ever been animosity on her side and usually I rise above it. I will continue to put ds needs first. And actually the thought of a lie in on my birthday sounds like a fantastic idea!

MusicalEndorphins Mon 07-Apr-14 03:18:35

You have a good attitude, and I hope your birthday will be as nice as you are! flowers

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